


Infected Dreams

by mg_puff



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Adora has nightmares, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Disk Drunk | Infected Adora (She-Ra), Drunk Adora (She-Ra), Episode: s02e05 White Out, F/F, First fanfiction in awhile, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Past Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Repressed Memories, Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra)'s A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:14:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 59,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25325974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mg_puff/pseuds/mg_puff
Summary: Adora clamps her hands to the sides of her head as a few more tears make their way down her face.“It hurts!!”“Adora, what hurts? What’s going on?” WHY. DOES. SHE. CARE?! She’s been standing here listening to this girl confess that she watched her best friend get beaten by their caregiver for years and did nothing! Yet, the look of pain on Adora’s face looks so real it actually scares Catra.“I told,” Adora gasped, “I tell her she will never hurt you again. That you’re my friend and I won’t let her touch you! She just laughs at me...and grabs my head and suddenly everything goes red and zappy! Like..like her powers! And it hurts sooo bad, but then...I wake up. It’s like nothing ever happened, but I always wake up with a headache. Every time.”-------------or-------------After managing to infect She-Ra at the Northen Reach, Catra is the one forced to look after her ex-best friend at the base. During this time, she learns that maybe Adora didn't have it as lucky as she thought. Now she has to decide whether to keep this information to herself or doing something about it and if risking everything to save the only person that mattered to her will be worth it in the end.
Relationships: Adora & Catra & Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra), Adora & Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 167
Kudos: 867





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first fanfiction piece that I've written in probably ten years? I finished the series and immediately started rewatching it a few days ago. After I finished season 2 I got this idea in my idea about this story and I could not sleep so I decided I needed to get it typed out.

Catra looked down at the sword in her hand eyeing the large gem that, usually as blue as the eyes of the girl it belonged to, now shone a bright red. She couldn’t believe she had done it. She had actually succeeded in getting what she wanted. Sure, the tech didn’t actually belong to her, but Entrapta was just letting it sit around going to waste. Without her idea to use it, Adora would still be walking around in her stupid She-Ra get up acting like she owned the place.  
The feline could have stayed there soaking in the success of her own plan, but it was too damn cold out here for her to do that. And besides, she needed to keep an eye on the young blonde girl that Scorpia had picked up and was now carrying back to their base. Not only had Adora attacked her own friends, but she had managed to get rid of them and make her own capture even easier on Catra. Why hadn’t she thought of this before?  
“Where do you want her,” Scorpia asked, pulling Catra from her own thoughts. They had access to the whole base if they wanted, but it all gave Catra the creeps so they stayed put in the main entrance chamber.  
“Huh?”  
“Adora….where do you want me to..uh...put her down at?” Catra could tell that Scorpia seemed uncomfortable with their current situation, but Catra didn’t have time to even begin unpacking what all of that meant. In fact, she’d rather Scorpia kept it to herself and minded her own business but there wasn’t much of a chance of that happening either.  
“Anywhere in here is fine,” Catra mumbled, “there’s no chance of her friends popping up anytime soon and I don’t think she’s going to be able to save herself.” Catra quietly set She-Ra’s sword down on the desk that Entrapta was currently using as a makeshift lab and looked up at the monitors in front of her. She turned her head slightly to watch Scorpia lay Adora on a pile of boxes by the back wall. Catra couldn’t help but feel slightly relieved at not having to explain why she didn’t just have her ex-best friend thrown into one of the cells in the lower level of the base.  
She would have started asking what the moving dots on the screen were, but before she got a chance she felt herself and Entrapta (where did she come from?!) being scooped up into one of Scorpia’s group hugs.  
“Wow I just….wow you guys! Can you believe it? We did it!,” Scorpia said, as she continued to ignore Catra’s attempts to push away from the Super Pal Trio embrace. “We need to celebrate you guys! I’m sure I can find something around here to help spruce up the place and...oh hey! Maybe we could all take a picture together? You know just to celebrate the moment. I’m telling you ladies now we are going to want to remember-”  
“SCORPIA,” Catra yelled, finally hopping out of the embrace. “We have more important things to worry about right now. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but we just took down the only real obstacle standing in the Horde’s way. We need Entrapta to get a message straight to Lord Hordak and then-”  
The alarms that started blaring and the red alerts on the screen cut off Catra’s planning and sent a familiar sinking feeling deep into Catra’s stomach. The feline watched as Entrapa’s hands and hair went to work typing and clicking away. It didn’t take any of Entrapta’s weird explanations to tell Catra that something was wrong. In fact, Catra had just been wondering how long her good luck could last.  
“I don’t want to know,” Catra said as Entrapa whipped her head around to explain what was causing the noises. “Just go fix it and make it quick so we can get back to the Fright Zone. Understand?”  
“But Catra what about….”  
“WOULD YOU JUST GO ALREADY?”  
It wasn’t until Catra heard the doors locking behind the two that she realized that she was now completely alone with Adora. She couldn’t get herself to turn around and look at her laying over there. Why did she even care if the blonde was hurt? Or cold? For fuck’s sake she was their PRISONER.  
It was the first giggle that made Catra’s ears perk up. She knew that laugh, but she hadn’t heard it in so long that for a second the feline thought she was imagining things. There it was agan! Catra’s chest seemed to tighten as she tried to keep her eyes on the camera monitors, her claws coming out and slowly gripping on to the edge of the table.  
“Adora,” she said, “I’m going to give you three seconds to stop whatever stupid thing it is that you’re doing before I make sure you regret-”  
“I GOT YOUUU!”  
Catra began to fall immediately after Adora jumped onto her back. Her nails clawed against the table, but it wasn’t enough to stop her from falling backwards onto the floor. Lucky enough, Adora was behind her so the blonde ended up breaking Catra’s fall. It wasn’t until Catra sat up that she felt Adora’s grip around her neck break and her legs fall back from where they had wrapped themselves around Catra’s waist. Wait a minute….was she laughing?  
“Adora,” Catra hissed, trying to look for the sword and keep her eyes on the laughing idiot laying on the floor behind her. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? You’re a prisoner don’t you get it? This isn’t a game!”  
“Woooow,” Adora said, sitting up but still gently swaying side to side as she looked at Catra. “You! I know you…..you’re so fluffy,” Adora, staring at Catra’s face, slowly attempted to scoot closer to Catra. She gently raised a hand up to Catra’s head as if to pet her, but Catra quickly smacked her hand away.  
“Don’t touch me!” Catra quickly stood up, trying to put as much distance between her and Adora as possible but Adora laughed and continued to try and crawl closer to her. Her annoyance with Adora grew and she quickly reached down, picking Adora up off the floor by the collar of her red jacket. Why did she even wear it anyways? It’s not like anyone from the Horde mattered to her. If they had mattered….if she had truly mattered…..then Adora wouldn’t have left like she did.  
“And so mean,” Adora murmured, reaching out a little slower this time to pet the top of Catra’s head. Satisfied that Catra wouldn’t attempt to rip her arm off, Adora smiled, closed her eyes, and gently ran her fingers through Catra’s soft fur above her head piece.  
“I miss you,” she says, as she slowly leans her body into Catra’s and that’s what makes the feline’s eyes shoot open. Something must have happened with that disk right? Entrapta and the purple haired one. What was it….Glitter? They had both said something about having to destroy the disk in order to fix She-Ra, but Catra didn’t realize that Adora would get this messed up too. Otherwise, Adora would never say these things especially not to someone like her. Right?  
“You...what?”  
“I miss you silly!’  
“Liar.”  
Catra hissed and pushed Adora away. Adora quickly lost her footing and fell back to the floor and the force captain turned away to try and avoid the guilt that was building up. Fortunately, Adora didn’t seem too upset though because that stupid smile crept back onto her face in no time and she started looking around the large room mumbling to herself.  
“None of that matters anyway. I captured the sword and I captured you. Just wait until we get back to the Fright Zone and I can show Lord Hordak everything I managed to accomplish. Things are really going to change for me. So just stay there okay? Scorpia and Entrapta should be back any minute, but until then it’s just us.”  
“Yay sleepover time!” Adora squealed and clapped as she looked around the room. “We have a lot of sleepovers in Bright Moon. I don’t think you’d like them though. Me and Bow and Glitter and oh Swift Winds wants to join too once we can make a sleeping bag designed for horses. It’s so much fun!”  
Did she always talk this much? Catra knew the answer was yes, but after so many months away from it the rambling was going to take some getting used to. However, watching Adora go on (something about ice cream? She wasn’t sure what that even was) it hit Catra that this might be the only time she’d get to listen to these rambles. Who knew what Hordak would do when Catra brought him her prize. Was Catra really willing to go that far? Would she even be able to rub it in Adora’s face if Adora was gone?  
“Sometimes though I have to sleep by myself and I really hate it,” Adora wrinkled her nose in disgust and Catra had to keep herself from laughing. “I can’t sleep or sometimes I have weird dreams…..like yesterday! I had a dream about you yesterday.”  
“....you did?”  
“Yeah...I woke up all sweaty and-”  
“Holy fuck Adora keep it in your pants please.”  
“I don’t have any plants!” Adora huffed and glared at Catra. Normally that look would have sent Catra looking for the stun baton, but this time it made her laugh. She no longer looked like the feline’s enemy. Adora looked like the same little girl that Catra would run down the halls with or hide under blankets with at night. She looked completely defenseless.  
“I woke up all sweaty and….and scared. Like it was real.” Gods that voice. Catra would have done anything to protect that voice at one time. And now? The most she could convince herself to do was to quietly sit next to Adora. They both sat like that in silence for a moment.  
“What was the dream Adora? What happened?” She could hear the blonde take in a shaky breath. Of course, Catra should have known better than to just ask so blatantly. If whatever this dream was, really did scare Adora then she wouldn’t open up about it to just anyone. Being scared was a weakness and Adora had none, at least none that most people could see. Shadow Weaver had made sure of that. Catra quietly adjusted her position, sitting on the floor so that she was sitting facing Adora, who had her head lowered down as she pinched the pads of her fingers one by one. Not too hard, but just hard enough to make the skin on her fingers turn a light shade of pink for a few seconds each time.  
“It’s okay,” Catra said, barely above a whisper, “you can tell me.” She watches Adora bite her lip and nod her head slowly before looking up slightly. She still refuses to meet Catra’s eyes and Catra would never admit that it hurts.  
“I’m little...I mean we’re little. I’m going into Shadow Weaver’s battle room because she called me for dinner, but when I get there….you’re there too. She doesn’t notice me come in so...I hide under the table by the door. Shadow Weaver sh-she’s yelling at you and she has a hold of your wrist and...and you’re trying really hard not to cry. I know that because you’re doing that thing where you bite your lip with just one of your fangs-”  
“Get to the point Adora.”  
“Right um she’s being so mean...something about Octavia again. There’s just so much yelling, but you can’t move and I can tell she’s using her powers to make sure you can’t talk. Then she picks you up with her magic and….and th-throws you into the wall next to the door! She hurt you and she just stands there and laughs about it. Like...like it was nothing. You get up, still not crying, and then you just look over at me and leave.”  
Catra can only glare at the girl in front of her. No amount of sniffling or tears that this so-called friend sheds can fix the rage that’s been building up. She always thought that Adora was just too stupid to realize what was really going on, but now it seems that she knew the truth. Adora knew about it the whole time and sat there doing nothing. How many other times had Adora walked in on those kinds of meetings? How many times had Catra just not seen her hiding and waiting it out?  
“How old were you,” Catra says as she stands up, wanting to get as far away from her as possible. “In this...dream how old were we?”  
“I’m 9,” Adora says. It all sounds about right from what Catra can remember and she does remember. Octavia had tried to throw her into a sparring match with two older cadets and Catra had panicked. The two cadets had it coming when they tried to grab Catra and throw her in the ring, but she made sure that neither of them would touch her again. After all of it, Shadow Weaver managed to grab a hold of Catra and lead her to their office for a stern ‘talking to’.  
“There’ve been a couple other times where I think we’ve been younger….or older.”  
“Of course there were more,” Catra says grabbing a stun baton and staring down at Adora. “Of course you’d hide away and wait like a good little girl to come out. That is so like you. No matter what else is happening-”  
“But then,” Adora continues, like Catra’s rant doesn’t even register with her, and Catra realizes that her face is pinched up like she’s already in pain. “Shadow Weaver knows I’m there and she pulls me out from under the table and yells at me. I keep asking her why she hurt you and...and I keep trying to run away to go help you. You’re hurt! But she tells me that she’s only doing it to make you better and that I just need to ignore it.”  
She was always the one with so much going for her, the favorite. And if Shadow Weaver told her to ignore something then she would have right? As Catra tries to decide if letting Adora talk it out anymore is really worth it, Adora clamps her hands to the sides of her head as a few more tears make their way down her face.  
“It hurts!!”  
“Adora, what hurts? What’s going on?” WHY. DOES. SHE. CARE?! She’s been standing here listening to this girl confess that she watched her best friend get beaten by their caregiver for years and did nothing! Yet, the look of pain on Adora’s face looks so real it actually scares Catra.  
“I told,” Adora gasped, “I tell her she will never hurt you again. That you’re my friend and I won’t let her touch you! She just laughs at me...and grabs my head and suddenly everything goes red and zappy! Like..like her powers! And it hurts sooo bad, but then...I wake up. It’s like nothing ever happened, but I always wake up with a headache. Every time.”  
Before she realized it, Catra slipped back down to sit in front of Adora and the stun baton was tossed across the floor. The ‘red and zappy’ part, Catra knows exactly what Adora is trying to describe. The anger that had started to blind her vision is now replaced with emptiness. It’s eating away at her brain because Catra is certain she knows what happened, but to accept it would mean a whole different issue.  
“Adora,” Catra says quickly, getting the girl’s attention and she points to the left back wall, “Look over there.”  
“What?”  
Luckily it seems Adora is still easy to reason with right now and she immediately turns her head in the directions of Catra’s finger. Before Adora can do anything, Catra quickly pushes back a couple stray hairs that fell out of Adora’s ponytail and finds what she was praying wouldn't be there. A dark reddish splotch under Adora’s earlobe, it would pass for a regular birthmark or scar any day. Catra knows better though and begins to wonder just how many of these ‘dreams’ that Adora’s been having are only there because Shadow Weaver managed to slip those memories back into a part of Adora’s mind that she wouldn’t normally have access to. Adora had tried to protect her and got hurt in the process. Now it seemed that Catra was the one who was too clueless and stupid to not know what had really been happening. It all made sense now. How many times had there been an incident or a meeting with Shadow Weaver that Adora had to go to and then hours later Catra found Adora sleeping in her bed? She always thought that Adora was just forgetful when she’d ask her about what happened, but maybe Adora really wasn’t sure how she got back to her bed or even what might have happened before she woke up.  
As much as she hates to admit it, Catra’s realized that she can’t take Adora back with her. She watched their parental figure threaten to erase her memories once and now it turned out that that wouldn’t have been the first time. That fear on Adora’s face when she had realized what Shadow Weaver was willing to do just to have it her way….she couldn’t throw her back into that. Besides, what would happen next? Adora would come out of it like none of this had ever happened and then take Catra’s place? Not a chance.  
Catra quietly tilted Adora’s face to look her in the eyes. She had stopped crying but a few tears were still trailing down towards her chin. Adora quickly wiped them away and smiled at her friend, as if the past conversation hadn’t happened. Catra reached down into her pocket and pulled out the First Ones disc that had gotten them into this whole mess in the first place. What was it that Entrapta and Sparkles had said? That the only way to fix her would be to destroy the disc and something about her not remembering any of it afterwards. Catra could only hope that the last part was right.  
“Goodbye Adora.”

\----------

Bow and Sea Hawk had to hold Glimmer back when the base doors opened and Catra stood there holding a passed out Adora in her arms with the sword laying at the Horde soldier’s feet. After the Rebellion members saw that Catra and Scorpia made no moves towards them or to attack, Bow and Glimmer walked up quickly to gather up their friend and her sword. For a split second they just stared at each other, but then when Adora shivered from the cold the Rebellions turned to head back to their ship.  
“She needs a sorcerer,” Catra called out, watching as they turned back to look at her in confusion.  
“Excuse me?” Glimmer scowled at her enemy. Under different circumstances, Catra would have quickly charged forward to wipe that annoying smirk off her face.  
“You need to find a sorcerer. Someone who can help with memories,” Catra said. “Tell them to check the marks on the sides of Adora’s head. They’ll understand.” Maybe she should have told them more, but Catra didn’t feel like that was her place. She could only hope that whoever they got would understand what kind of damage had been done and wouldn’t overwhelm Adora with who knows how many twisted memories she thought were only terrifying nightmares.


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay first off I just want to say thank you to all the comments, kudos, and even just the people who read this thing like what????? I legit posted that first chapter and then the next two nights while trying to sleep my brain was like okay....BUT HERE'S WHAT COULD HAPPEN NEXT. I won't lie to you though I've got maybe 70% of an idea of where this will go so we'll see what happens.
> 
> I do want to warn though in this chapter there is mention of PTSD, nightmares, past trauma, and mentions of weapons.

“Adora my dear there’s nothing to be afraid of, please come out.” A slender hand reaches under the blanket, fingers bending upward as if to ask, as if she has a choice whether or not to follow those orders. Quietly, she grabs the hand and slowly pushes the blanket back to reveal herself to her caretaker. A few tears still manage to fall before she can wipe them away and she can feel the coarse fabric of her blanket twisting between her hands. Back and forth….back and forth. 

“I’m sorry Shadow Weaver,” she says, still refusing to look up. “I was a coward. It was stupid of me and….and I won’t do it again.”

“Oh my dear sweet child,” a whimper slips out as a hand reaches down to brush blonde hair out of her face. “I’m glad that you understand and I know you’ll do better next time. After all, one day they’ll need someone else up there to take charge.”

“NO,” this time she looks up to see Shadow Weaver standing over her bed. “I can’t do th-that. Please there must be some mistake. I...I’m going to be a force captain not….not that.” 

“Oh Adora that’s what only the best force captains do. They take charge of their soldiers, lead them to victory, and help them take responsibilities for their actions.” 

"Not like that,” she grabs Shadow Weaver’s hand between hers. “Please I can’t….I’m not ready. I won’t do it!.” She feels a hand brush up the side of her face and leans into it. Shadow Weaver understands….she’s trying to help. Suddenly everything starts to feel warm, it’s nice, and she can feel her muscles relaxing. It’s getting warmer…..it’s too warm. She feels a prickling sensation by her ears. Suddenly the prickling feels like a stab to the head, her vision goes red, and that comforting warmth has turned into a heat that seems to choke out any air in the room.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get you there.”  
\------------------------------------------------------------  
Adora gasped as her body jerked her up to a sitting position in her bed. The heat quickly faded away as she looked around the room and she could start to feel the cool air of Bright Moon that slipped in through an open window by her bed. As Adora pulled her blanket close to her chest, the rebel soldier’s eyes darted around the room. She wasn’t quite sure what was real except for the near blinding headache that seemed to wake up with her. How many times had this happened? Maybe it was time to go to Bright Moon’s infirmary.

“Blanket, bed, crystals, desk, floor,” she mumbled, “Hair, sleep shirt, sheets, pillow.” Someone in their group (she was betting on Bow) had let it slip to Perfuma that they had so many sleepovers because Adora struggled with nightmares and sleeping alone. Ever since then Perfuma had been sharing tips with Adora on ways to relax before bedtime, creating a harmonious space for sleeping, and grounding techniques for after care when she did have nightmares. So far the only thing that was working was the grounding. As her heart finally slowed down to a resting heartbeat and it was decided that she really was awake, Adora went about somewhat shakily getting ready for her day. 

It had been only a couple of days since they had returned from the Northern Reach, but they hadn’t really discussed much of what happened. Between Adora’s embarrassment of nearly being a Horde prisoner and Glimmer and Bow whispering to one another and keeping an annoyingly close eye on their blonde friend from afar, not much had actually been discussed about what happened or what their next steps would be.

As Adora pulled back her hair into her routine ponytail, a faint knocking sound came from her bedroom door. The blonde quickly walked over, straightened her jacket, and opened the door. 

“Your Majesty um...Queen...Highness,” Adora mutters, surprised to see Angella standing there in front of her. She attempted to do a quick salute before finally giving up and closing her bedroom door as Angella nodded for Adora to follow her. 

“I think you got all of the titles this time Adora,” Angella chuckled and continued to walk with her down the hall. “They tell me that you’re feeling better and that there were no severe injuries after the incident at the Northern Reach?” Adora grimaced at that word. Was that what everyone was going to call it now? An incident?

“Yes Your Majesty,” Adora said, “and if I may? I just want to apologize for what happened. We really thought that the infected disk had been destroyed. I shouldn’t have put myself into a position where Catra could overpower me so quickly. It was irresponsible and I promise I won’t let it happen again.”

“Adora,” Angella sighed and stopped to face the girl. “I appreciate your words and I know that you will put everything you have into your next mission, but right now I want to focus on you. We’re all a little worried right now if I’m being honest.” 

“Worried? I’m afraid I don’t understand. I sustained no serious injuries and the infection disappeared as soon as the disk was destroyed.”

“I’m aware of this and I’m also aware of the awkward silence that seems to be lingering between you, Bow, and my daughter. What is it he calls you all? The Best Friend Squad?”

“Yes ma’am,” Adora said, trying to hide a small laugh. “It’s just that um….Perfuma has been helping me with some sleeping….problems and I’ve been focusing on that.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Well, I just have some weird dreams is all.” 

“Anything you feel comfortable enough to share?” Adora looked down at the floor embarrassed at the idea of trying to explain. Not only that, but the kindness that Queen Angella continued to show her was overwhelming. According to everyone around her, Angella was a supportive adult in her life now. One who simply wanted to show her support and help the young rebellion in any way she could while also balancing being a mother and a queen. If you asked Adora though, Queen Angella was far too lenient with her and now the blonde spent a lot of her time just waiting for the other shoe to fall. But the look in Angella’s eyes right now told Adora that just maybe she truly cared.

“Um, well I guess I could? I mean, this morning I woke up and I just felt really...scared like I didn’t know where I was and I just….I remember being in my old-”

A sharp stabbing pain made its way through Adora’s head like lightning as she fell backwards. Her vision went a familiar bright red as she tried to find her footing and catch herself by the wall. She could feel an arm slip behind her and try to pull her back up to standing, but her legs seemed to stop moving. It all seemed to go on forever and at the same time it felt like as soon as she couldn’t try to think back to her dream, the pain seemed to subside. Blinking a few times, Adora looked around and realized that she was laying on the floor with Angella sitting next to her watching with a look of concern that nearly made Adora sick. 

“Adora can you hear me?” The blonde gave a grunt in response as she sat up, clutching her forehead as if it would split open at any second. 

“I’m sorry Your Majesty,” Adora said, “I don’t know what happened. I was trying to remember that dream and…..i-it just happened.” The young rebel pulled her knees up to her chest as she continued to hold onto her head. This wasn’t the first time she’d felt this lightning strike of a headache, but it was the first time that it had happened while she was awake and usually when she did wake up it disappeared. Was there something wrong with her? If there was something wrong with her….what would that do to She-Ra?

“Adora,” Angella said, snapping Adora’s attention back to the world around her. “This is exactly what I was talking about. If something is wrong then I wish you would tell us. None of us can be at our best at all times and that includes you as much as you want to disagree with me.”

“I’m sorry.” 

Adora pulled away from her best friend’s mother and stood up. She tried straightening out her jacket once more with trembling hands. When she was being critiqued, told what to fix, or told what she was lacking Adora could handle it. But this was….different. Angella didn’t seem to want her to get better because they had a battle in the near future. No, she simply wanted Adora to get better so she could feel better. Was that how it was supposed to be? 

“Something’s wrong,” Angella nodded, coaxing her to explain more. “Every time I try to sleep alone in my room I keep having these terrible nightmares, but I can’t remember them when I wake up. I have these terrible headaches and it feels like my brain is breaking. What if it’s She-Ra? What if I’m not strong enough for all of that magic? I still think the sword picked the wrong person.” The tears had started falling quickly and she couldn’t hide them anymore. The fear of not being enough for her new found powers had always been in the back of Adora’s thoughts, but it was a whole new thing saying them out loud and to someone else.

The silence between them seemed to go on forever before Adora felt a gentle hand on her shoulder. 

“It’s hard to admit when you’re not at your strongest or when you need help,” Angella said and gently gave Adora a push to continue their walk. “I can’t imagine growing up...the way that you did gave you many opportunities to take time to heal. But Adora, you’re not in the Horde anymore. She-Ra is important, but she is nothing without you. You are She-Ra Adora and not the other way around. Therefore, your health and safety come first and in case it wasn’t clear that’s an order.” 

She could work with orders. It was easier to understand what exactly was expected of her and what she needed to do correctly if more people would just put it in an order like the Queen. But somehow, even that didn’t feel quite right in her head. Adora gave a quick nod and they continued to walk for a while in silence until she realized that they now stood outside of the War Room. 

“Your Majesty I wasn’t aware we had any meetings today. I thought we were waiting to make new plans during the next Princess Alliance meeting and that’s not for a couple days.” 

“I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily a meeting really. Think of it as a….get together of the Best Friend Squad….and others.” Adora sighed as Angella nodded for the guards to open the doors. 

The War Room was always where Adora felt most in her element. She had trained her entire life to be in a room like that although it had taken some time to get used to the Rebellion’s ways of planning. If she could call it that. The presence of her best friends, Bow and Glimmer, sitting there and smiling as she came into the room should have made her feel better. And it would have if they had been the only ones in the room. 

“I believe you’ve met my daughter’s aunt Adora? Head Sorceress Castaspella has come from Mystacor to help us with something.” 

“Ummm yes Casta, aunt of Glimmer…..her dad’s...sister! I remember that one yeah,” Adora said quickly. She stood a little taller when she caught sight of Bow’s thumbs up. Thank goodness he had explained family relations after that trip. 

“Adora,” Glimmer started and stood up, “I think Bow and I owe you an -”

“ExCUSE me?!”

“Okay okay!” Glimmer glared down at Bow for a second before turning back to face her other best friend. “I owe you an apology. After the mission to the Northern Reach, there was something that I should have told you and...and I was scared. I wasn’t sure what it all meant and you just seemed so exhausted. I was just afraid of how you would react and I really did want you to get some rest. If I’m being completely honest here I think we did the right-”

“What Glimmer is trying to say,” Bow cut the princess off and quickly stepped in front of the purple haired princess. “Is that we don’t want you to feel like we kept you in the dark. We wanted to wait until you got some rest and then handle this all together.”

“I don’t understand. What happened?” Adora sat down and tried to push away the nagging nauseous feeling in her stomach. What was it that she missed? What had she gotten wrong? 

“Adora, we didn’t have to sneak in and help you escape. Catra...she just sort of gave you up. We finally made it back to the base and Bow was trying to use his trackerpad to figure out how to break the codes on the doors, but as we walked up the doors were already opening. She just stood there holding you like some kind of peace offering or something. Scorpia was there too, it was so weird. Neither one of them made a move while we grabbed you and She-Ra’s sword. It was almost like Catra wanted you to go with us.” 

Catra let her go. Catra LET her go….to her friends too. Adora stayed silent as the information sank in. If only she could remember anything from when she had been infected. Without her memory, nobody would be able to figure out why Catra did what she did. Adora remembered the last time Catra had let her go and her ex-best friend had said it was because she didn’t want her around the Fright Zone anymore. She didn’t need her anymore. But why would Catra give up such a big advantage like that so easily?

“Not to mention what she said to us was really weird too.” Adora quickly looked back up at the people around her after she realized the conversation was still moving without her. “Which is why we asked my Aunt Casta to come visit us and maybe help us figure this out.”

“She said something? What did she say? Was it to me…..about me? I don’t get this, it doesn’t make any sense. This is Catra we’re talking about. Remember, she was the one who infected me in the first place. She had the sword….she had me. Why would she just let that go?” 

“Adora,” Glimmer said, waving a hand in front of Adora’s eyes. “She said something about getting a sorcerer for help with memories. I don’t know what she meant and I don’t know why she said it. All I know is that Catra said you have marks on both sides of your head and we needed to check them out. She sounded worried.” 

“Wait, she told you to get a sorcerer for these?” Adora turned to the side and pointed to a small reddish spot by her ear. “I don’t think we need a Head Sorceress to look at my birthmarks. I’ve had these for forever. Shadow Weaver said I was born with them, just something else that made me ‘special’.” 

“When did you first see them?” Adora had almost forgotten that Castaspella was there until she finally spoke up. Normally, Adora would have been a bit nervous to speak to her so directly, but her annoyance with the situation was winning out.

“Um I’m not sure maybe when I was five or six? I had to start putting my hair up for training and Catra freaked out because she thought I was bleeding. Wait yeah….that’s right! She knows these are birthmarks. She was just trying to freak you all out, make you think there’s something wrong with my brain, and it worked!” Adora stared down her friends as she spoke almost like she was challenging them to somehow prove her wrong. She knew Catra best and she wasn’t about to let that feline fool the Rebellion too.

“Adora,” Glimmer whined, “I know I don’t know Catra as well as you, but I’m telling you she seemed really concerned.”

“And if that’s true then there’s nothing-”

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” 

Adora quickly smacked away Casta’s hand as it came down to graze over the mark and quickly jumped out of her chair. When had she gotten so close? Before she knew it, Adora had backed herself up against the wall and pulled a small knife out of the side pocket on her pants and held it out in front of her. 

“Adora!”

“Have you had that with you this whole time?!”

“I….I didn’t see. I wasn’t….how was I supposed to know?” Adora stuttered as she looked around at the shocked faces in front of her. Was she in trouble now? Was she going to get kicked out of Bright Moon? That was twice now in one day that she had panicked, maybe that was one time too many. “I’m so sorry. Please please you can’t kick me out.” 

Angella quietly moved forward, holding a hand up in the air just above where Adora’s held onto her knife. 

“No one will touch you without your permission,” the queen said, “we will ask first, tell you every time we are going to touch you, and you are in charge.” Adora nodded, that sounded like something she could do. “I am going to ask that you give me the knife though. I believe the weapons room is a better place for this.” Adora nodded again and silently watched as the queen’s hand came down over hers and loosened the knife from her grip. Very quickly, Angella turned away from the situation to find a guard who could take it to the proper location.

Adora separated herself from the wall and walked only a few steps before realizing her friends were now right in front of her. 

“Best friend squad hug?” 

“Yeah...best friend squad hug.” Adora smiled as her friends threw their arms around her and she immediately relaxed into the feeling of the two of them on either side of her. 

“Adora, we just want to make sure that everything’s okay and that you’re safe.” Glimmer pulled away from the hug and walked over to where her aunt stood by. “I asked Aunt Casta to come because I knew you’d already met her and seen her use magic before. It’s my fault that all this happened. I should have spoken to you as soon as we got home I’m so sorry.”

“No,” Adora said, “I don’t know why that happened. I just got this feeling like…...I can’t even explain it. If you all think that Catra was really trying to warn us about something then I’ll do it. But I’m telling you she’s trying to fool you. Checking memories...that doesn’t even make sense.”

A few minutes later, Bow, Glimmer, and Adora had managed to move the war table over just slightly to create a clear space for a single chair. Bow went around making sure there were no objects, basically anything the ex horde soldier could turn into a weapon, within 5 feet of the chair before Adora sat down. 

“So I just sit here?” Adora looked around silently begging someone to tell her even how to sit. Would it help if she sat cross legged? Did she need her sword?

“Adora relax,” Casta said, looking down at the blonde as she moved to stand at her side. “I’m going to create a spell that will do….sort of a sweep of your mind. The spell will reach in, see if there’s anything that we need to be worried about, and try to pull it out a bit. It might be that something happened during your training or it could also be that you just hit your head too hard on something. I promise I won’t try to look into any particular memories or anything up there you’d rather keep private. You’re safe.”

The blonde quickly nodded her head and looked down at where she had been subconsciously wringing her hands together and pinching the pads of her fingers. Seeing Glimmer reach a hand down to pull her own apart, she smiled up at her friend. 

“We’re here too,” the purple haired princess said, nodding to Bow as well. “And we’ll be here with you for all of this and whatever comes after.” 

“Okay. I’m ready.” Adora watched in silence as Casta began her spell cast. Something about the shining blue light that came off the spell made Adora feel a little calmer and she sat back in her chair. 

“Okay Adora, I’m going to bring the spell to sit right over you and we’ll begin...now.” Adora watched as the spell circle moved upwards to rest a few feet above where she sat and slowly started to work it’s way down towards the top of her hair poof. The air around her seemed to tingle now against her skin and she could feel a light breeze coming out of nowhere that made the back of her ponytail brush against the back of her neck. She knew everything would be fine.

Until very suddenly it wasn’t.

That now familiar stabbing sensation in her mind came back with a vengeance and Adora could feel herself let out a gasp at the pain. She could feel that her hands were gripping tighter onto something, but even with her eyes open Adora wouldn’t have been able to tell anyone what it was. Her vision seemed to go in and out. Flashing between nothing but darkness and a strange red filter on the room around her. She had to get away.

“Don’t,” Adora gasped out. She could feel her body moving forwards and suddenly slamming forward into something, but her legs kept pushing her to move. “It hurts...I can’t.”

“Stop it,” someone shouted, “Make it stop. Break the spell now!” 

The pain wouldn’t go away. It never lasted this long. Her vision was blurry, but she could see just enough to notice a moving shadow out of the corner of her eye and again she seemed to move without having to force her body to do anything. It only lasted so long though until she felt a barrier slamming into the top of her head. 

A hand came out of nowhere and she could feel it trying to hold her arms down. She swore it wouldn’t happen, she promised. 

“Please don’t do this,” Adora could feel tears sliding down her cheek. 

“Adora! It’s okay we’re here.” 

The blonde felt the last of her struggle give out and suddenly her body went numb. The headache started to subside once more as someone reached down and gently cradled Adora’s head in their lap. 

“We’re here Adora….we’ve got you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ta Da? I hope you guys like it I was feeling really iffy about this chapter, but I think that's more of just a worry of is this what everyone else wants to read. But it's my story soooooo I'm gonna do it. 
> 
> Also I do need to apologize because I probably won't get another chapter posted for a couple weeks. I'm going on vacation with my family and the goal is just to sit back and relax for several days in a row. I want to say that I might get something posted, but it would be rude of me to make that promise. As always any constructive criticism or questions are welcome and my tumblr asks and messages at mag-uh-lin are always open to new ideas or just anyone who wants to connect! Have a great day :)


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra goes to the only person in the Fright Zone that might know what's going on with Adora and it obviously doesn't go well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends thank you for being so patient with me and waiting for this chapter to come out. It turns out that getting inspiration while on vacation was more difficult than I thought it would be. Who knew? But after it was all said and done I think I've realized that I really enjoy writing from Catra's pov. Anyways I hope you enjoy this one. 
> 
> I do want to put a warning here for some light self harm, anger issues, and coping with past trauma.

The high pitched screech that came from one of Catra’s claws scratching along the wall outside of the prison cell brought her an eerie sense of satisfaction. Although, not as much as watching the prisoner inside the cell cringe just a bit from the sound. It made her feel powerful when she saw the woman on the other side of the prison shield shudder, even if it was just for a second, at something that Catra could do. After spending all that time scaring Catra into obedience...it wasn’t nearly what Shadow Weaver deserved, but it would have to do for now. 

“Oh I’m sorry,” Catra smirked, “I hope I didn’t scare you.” 

“I could never be scared by such an insolent cry for attention.” Why couldn’t she just say no like a normal person and be done with it? Even now from her pathetic position, Shadow Weaver still tried to get a dig in as if Catra needed to be taken down a peg or two.

The new second in command stared down her caretaker as she paced back and forth along the force field door to the cell. Even though she had heard rumors about how difficult it was for prisoners to survive in these cells, much less escape, she had a feeling that if anyone could do it then it would be Shadow Weaver. Seeing the cuffs around her slender bony wrists only made Catra feel slightly more confident. 

“The rumor is that you’ve failed once again child. Although I can’t say that I’m surprised. I do believe I tried to warn Hordak when he promoted you, but I suppose it takes witnessing true failure for him to really understand.”

“That’s enough,” Catra snapped, placing her hand on the cell door lock and watching as the force field disappeared. She quickly walked inside and grabbed Shadow Weaver by the collar of her red tunic, pulling her up so that Catra’s face was just inches away from hers. “You don’t get to speak to me like that ever again. I’ve accomplished more than Hordak could ever have imagined with you by his side. You’re old….and you’re weak and before Hordak decides to end your life you’re going to give me some answers. If you give me what I want maybe I’ll convince him to kill you quickly. Maybe.” Catra thrust her arm out and let loose her grip on her caretaker as if she was throwing out a piece of trash, watching as Shadow Weaver struggled to stop herself from falling back down to the hard concrete floor. Did she hurt her? Then again, did Catra care?

“So angry,” Shadow Weaver chuckled and looked back up at Catra, “have you ever considered that your anger might be a distraction? Adora was always so much better at not letting her emotions get in the way you know, you really could have learned something from her.”

“That’s because her emotions would have gotten in the way of her stupid calling!” Catra could feel her own voice crack as she began to talk about Adora and she silently cursed herself for it. She couldn’t let Shadow Weaver do this to her already, she hadn’t even mentioned what she knew yet. The brunette quickly avoided the glaring eyes of the prisoner and ran her claws lightly through her hair and along her scalp. It was never enough to seriously hurt, but that little twinge running along the top of her head brought her back and helped her find her words again. The Horde soldier looked down the line of cells and was relieved to see that no other soldiers were walking down towards her end. She still had time. 

“I wasn’t distracted. She...got away, but we got the tech that we needed. But none of that matters now. I’m just here to tell you that I know what you did and it’s going to be fixed. After that...you’ll have no one to believe your lies anymore.”

“Oh my dear I’ve done so much it’s almost hard to remember it all sometimes.” Her laughter made the fur on Catra’s arms stand up and she felt almost embarrassed at the involuntary step that she took backwards to get away from that familiar sound. “Then again I guess for some of us remembering can be quite difficult. I’d be careful if I were you. Sometimes we try to think back too hard and there can be….consequences.”

Catra stopped pacing as her brain put together the real meaning behind those words. She knew exactly what Catra was talking about. It was almost as if she had been waiting for one of her two little prodigies to come along one day and call her out on it. 

“You bitch,” Catra growled, scratching her claws down the side of the wall again. She wished she could do more to make this experience as painful as possible, but she knew that Hordak would look for marks on the prisoner. Not that she would be blamed, but it would look bad in front of the rest of his army.

“I’m curious,” Shadow Weaver said, now standing up in front of Catra. She was practically feeding off the shift in power, off knowing something that her replacement did not. “How did you find out? I must admit I was waiting to see if it would ever happen….but the magic worked so well and I must admit it needed to be used several times. Just something that gets better with practice.” 

Several times...there were several times. Catra could feel the bile rise up in her throat as her teeth began to grind and her jaw tensed up. How many other memories was Adora missing? How many times had Catra failed to keep up her own end of the promise that they had made? They were supposed to look out for each other. Sure, Catra had known for awhile now that Adora had failed, but it was different now that she knew that her friend wasn’t the only one. 

“She’s going to remember,” Catra said, but it felt more like she was trying to convince herself rather than surprise the woman in front of her. “She’s already having dreams about them and I told her little friends. They’ll have it all fixed in no time and once that’s done so are you.” 

Catra walked up closer to Shadow Weaver trying to ignore the familiar scent that was burning through her nostrils now. She tried not to wonder if Adora could relate to that kind of fear when Shadow Weaver got too close.

“She’ll kill you...I know she will. How could she possibly go on knowing that you could do that to someone else? There’s a whole world of people for her to save from you and all of your twisted lies. And who would I be to stand in her way?”

“Twisting Adora’s views to get what you want? Catra wherever could you have learned this from….” 

The anger that had been slowly burning up in Catra’s chest found its release through a loud hiss and the grabbing of Shadow Weaver’s mask. Catra didn’t intend to rip it off. The last thing she wanted to have to see again was the real face that sat under that thing, but maybe it would shut her up for a minute before she said anything else that she would regret

“I am nothing like you,” Catra snarled and threw all the force she could muster into pushing back on Shadow Weaver’s mask. Watching the old woman stagger backwards again made her feel better as she stepped further into the cell. She was powerless now, if anyone was going to walk away from this hurt it wasn’t going to be Catra.

“All you’ve ever done your entire miserable existence in this hell hole is terrorize the people around you,” Catra said. “Nothing I did was good enough for you! Even when I tried you always found something wrong with it. And now…..I guess Adora wasn’t truly good enough for you either. But once she knows it’ll be over for you. She’ll know the truth and she-”

“She’ll do what?” 

Catra stopped for a second and suddenly she knew what she wanted to say. She wanted to say that Adora would come back and realize how foolish she had been for leaning on those people...those princesses that she had barely known. Adora would choose her over all of it. If Adora knew the truth then….then she’d still be Adora and nothing would truly change. Catra knew what she wanted, but she refused to allow herself to be stupid enough to really believe that Adora would want the same. Her ex-best friend had found something more important than Catra to protect. And Catra would make sure she’d regret it by leaving nothing here for her to save. At least, not too much left. The feline shook her head for a second to try to focus back on the world around her and stared back over at her prisoner.

“Why do you care? You’ll never see her again anyways. I don’t think the Rebellion is smart enough to fix whatever you’ve done quick enough for her to try and deal with you. It doesn’t matter. She’ll never see you again and I’ll never have to look at you again.” 

“So you think that Adora needs to be fixed? Interesting.”

After all this back and forth, Catra suddenly couldn’t remember the point of coming here...of seeing her. There were no answers she could get and then again Catra wasn’t even sure what she would begin to ask her in the first place. She’d never admit to anyone that she’d come to this cell just to see if there was any way to give Adora back her memories. There was nothing there that needed to be fixed.

Catra reminded herself not to look back as she walked out of the cell and slid her hand against the side wall to reactivate the cell door. She told herself to look down at her Force Captain badge and uniform, now drowning in the eerie green glow of a Horde force field. Then she told herself again to keep her eyes on the floor as she turned away from the cell. 

“I hope it was worth it.”

“Oh Catra. It’s such a shame that neither of you will truly remember all of the hard work I put into making you what you are.”

\--------------------------------------------------

The force captain couldn’t remember the walk back to her private quarters. However, she had never been more grateful to be left alone for once. Although, she hadn’t felt truly alone. Those words kept playing back in her mind with every hall she walked down, corner she turned, or soldier that stopped to let her pass. What did that mean? That neither of them would truly remember. 

No, she had to shake it off. 

Catra knew better than everyone that there was always something more to Shadow Weaver’s words than she was letting on, but she also knew just how desperate a person could get when they felt like they had no other options. At this point, Shadow Weaver would have been willing to say anything to get out of that cell. That’s just the kind of person she was and Catra wouldn’t be stupid enough to fall for it.

Her force captain badge now sat on the top of the one set of drawers in her room, right below the mirror. When she forced herself to look in the mirror, Catra could honestly say she didn’t recognize the feline that looked back at her. The more the stranger in the mirror stared back at her the more Catra could feel that dangerous rage building up inside of her and she had to let it out. 

The items on the shelf were the first ones to go. A quick swipe of her arm across the top and she found that she could finally breathe for just a second when she heard things crashing to the floor. But it wasn’t enough. In her blind fury, Catra ripped the red headpiece off, threw it, and turned quickly to start ripping at her bed. 

It didn’t matter. That’s what she told herself as her claws ripped through the top sheet on the mattress. The feeling of her claws tearing through the rough fabric began to pull her back down. 

It didn’t matter. Again, the only thought that seemed to come through as she brought her claws down onto her pillow. When it clicked that her claws could only do so much damage she began to frantically throw the shreds of her pillow in any and every direction. Catra didn’t care where it all went, or how far from the bed. She would keep wildly pitching pieces until her arm muscles gave out if she had to. 

None of it mattered and now she didn’t think it ever would.

“Catra?” 

The girl turned quickly to face her open bedroom door only to see Scorpia standing there holding her headpiece and looking around the room in silent shock. 

“You’re not supposed to be here,” Catra spit out, quickly getting off the bed. Scorpia needed to leave. The force captain could feel the last lingering bits of her anger starting to build up again, her whole body suddenly feeling like it was on fire. 

“I know….boundaries. I swear I’m working on it! But I just…I heard you screaming and then this,” Scorpia held up the mask, “came flying out into the hallway and I just wanted...to see-”

“I’M BUSY.” Catra turned away to face her mirror. She had to get out of this stupd uniform. The fabric was beginning to itch and it only got worse as she pulled on it. The more she tried to pull on it the hotter the room felt, like every movement was generating more heat. Her hands struggled to grasp under her hair for the small hook and snaps that would set her free. The more she tried, the worse it seemed to get. 

“Yeah I can see that but ummm this doesn’t seem okay? I guess what I mean is you seem upset and more than usual. Did you...did you rip up your pillow? No worries! I’m sure we can get you a replacement. Heck we can get this cleaned up in no time.”

Catra looked up into her mirror, absolutely dumbfounded at the sight of the other force captain picking up the pieces of shredded pillow and filling that laid strewn around her piss poor excuse for a bed. What the hell did she think she was doing?! 

“Scorpia,” Catra said, slamming her hands down onto the shelf in front of her. Sure it would get the girl’s attention, but the extra noise and the stinging sensation now running through her palms also brought Catra a moment of relief. Those two seconds of distraction were better than any battle she would ever win. 

“If you won’t leave then help me get out of this thing.” Catra was still grasping at the hook and eye, but her claws were getting tangled up in her hair and that was something she didn’t feel like ripping at. At least, not right now. She stopped though when she felt two large pincers grabbing at the back parts of her top. Catra looked down at the floor so Scorpia couldn’t see her face growing redder as she tried to wait for her help. This was supposed to be a private moment. Catra just needed a few minutes to let everything go to hell and then she’d be fine. Wouldn’t she? As much as she wanted to criticize Scorpia for being nosy, Catra had to admit it was incredibly stupid of her to not close the door beforehand. But then again, stupid seemed to be all she was capable of lately. 

Her ears twitched at the sound of a snap and Catra immediately slid over to the wall ripping at the sleeves to pull the top off. Her wrappings underneath were drenched with sweat, but immediately she began to feel it cooling off. The relief that it brought seemed to finally wash out any residual anger that Catra had still built up. That fury would come on so quick and hot and now the familiar crash was creeping up on her. 

“Thank you,” Catra whispered, knowing that Scorpia wasn’t going anywhere without some kind of explanation or at least two minutes of kindness. 

“Oh don’t worry about it! You know I’ve always thought they need to switch up the material for the uniforms. It’s just so uncomfortable and it doesn’t help that we really don’t get decent ventilation in the barracks. Then again, it might help if you trimmed back some of your hair? Maybe it would just be a little bit easier to get it.” 

Catra tensed up and quickly pulled her hair up into one hand, trying to protect it from some invisible pair of scissors. 

“Why the hell would I do that?” 

“I don’t know,” Scorpia shrugged and took a few steps back. “I mean...it’s just a suggestion. It does hide that little mark though if that’s what you’re stressed about. But to be honest no one would be able to tell if they weren’t right up next to you.”

“What are you talking about?” That sinking feeling in her stomach was back. The last time she could recall that sensation was right when a certain blonde had been telling her about a terrible dream she had. 

“Oh your um birthmark I guess. It’s just a little brownish dot. Did you not know it was there?”


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra has to make a decision on what to do with what she's learned and Shadow Weaver doesn't make it easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise an update! Honestly yall I didn't think I was ever going to finish this one because holy shit it felt so long. Also I apologize if these last couple chapters seemed to really speed up the story, but I've got plans I swear. I want to say thank you for all the wonderful comments I've seen and all the bookmarks and kudos like....what is this nonsense? Seriously you've all been really kind and this has ended up doing more for me than orginally anticipated.
> 
> Anyways definitely going to need some warnings for this one. There are a lot more mentions of past child abuse and one significant scene of manipulation and emotional abuse. There's also one specific moment dealing with violence and several mentions of threats of violence.

Catra had laid there in silence for so long her eyes had begun to lose focus and the ceiling above her bed was going fuzzy. It only came back into focus after she would blink a couple times, but slowly the odd swirls in the concrete ceiling and the lines of the metal pipes would blur out once more. She couldn’t remember how many times she had gone through this small routine already. Maybe there was more she could have been doing, but her body felt too heavy and too numb to try anything else. She felt buried under the exhaustion of her previous destructive episode and the weight of a realization that she had been quietly putting together in her mind. 

Shadow Weaver had taken both of their memories. There was something that she thought was best to take away from Catra. 

She wanted to scream now more than ever. The feline could envision herself burning the entire Fright Zone to the ground with the anger she felt. Those were her moments, her memories, and in mere seconds that bitch decided that they needed to go away and so she did just that. What was it that she was so desperate to hide from her? Then again, what was Catra going to do even if she had those memories back? And just how many were there that had been taken? It was too much to think about and it made her nauseous. 

Instead, she thought back to the minutes after Scorpia had helped her find the truth. Catra had pretty much stood frozen in place after she realized what Scorpia’s words meant. In fact, it lasted for so long that a terrified Scorpia scooped up her best friend and immediately ran with her down to Entrapta’s lab. Looking back, Catra wasn’t sure how Scorpia thought that the tech geek could help her but it was better than any idea the feline could have come up with. After finally mumbling an explanation of what she had learned about Adora and what the ‘birthmark’ on her neck might mean, the Super Pal Trio immediately set out to try and prove it all wrong. Using two communicator pads, Scorpa and Catra could angle their lens so that Catra could look at her video communication and see the mark on her neck that Scorpia had noticed earlier. It looked nearly identical to the one she had found on Adora. The same small splotch that looked like someone had dropped a single drop of brown paint onto her skin. Although the one thing that Catra did notice was that it wasn’t as dark as the one on her ex-best friend, but Catra’s mind was too busy with other thoughts to begin to wonder what that would possibly mean. Afterwards, Catra had found herself having another almost out of body experience as she stood up and walked away, ignoring the calls and questions of her fellow soldiers. She needed to be alone. 

And now? Now, the more she thought about it the angrier she got. It wasn’t fair. How many times had Shadow Weaver hurt her, used magic against her, and then turned around to claim it was for her own good? And she had left Catra to remember all of it. The feline had spent years finding new hiding spots to cry in, flinching when lightning would strike across the sky during a storm, and desperately searching for Adora’s hand to hold when a random shadow would move in just the right way. 

It wasn’t as if Catra had fallen apart. No, she stood and dealt with everything that came her way. She had pushed buttons, there was no denying that, but she was coming out on top. And now? Shadow Weaver just had to pull out her last card to play to try and put Catra back in her place. 

“Hey look Adora,” Catra mumbled to the ceiling, “I guess neither one of us had ever been good enough for her. Well as far as we know anyways..” It didn’t make her feel any better. In fact, it only made her panic. Did it have something to do with Adora? Had they done something that was truly that bad that even Catra wasn’t allowed to remember their punishment? Or more than likely it was just her own punishment. 

“You know that’s not true anymore.” 

There were several of Adora’s memories that had been messed with, Shadow Weaver said so. And if that one dream Adora had shared had been any indication of it, then Catra had to accept that maybe there was more to being their caretaker’s favorite than what she actually saw. 

“She still left you.” 

Normally that was all it took to pull Catra back to reality, but this time it didn’t quite do the trick. The knowledge that there was something that happened to her….maybe to them that she couldn’t remember kept coming back up. If she wanted to go back to hating and destroying that stupid blonde in peace then there was only one thing she could think of that needed to be done. 

She wanted her memory back and she’d be damned if Shadow Weaver tried to get in her way.  
\-------------------------------

“I believe the words you said were ‘I’ll never have to look at you again’ and yet here you are.” 

Catra stood outside that familiar prison once again, except this time she came with a stun baton. She had only had to wait another hour for last guard change of the evening and when Kyle had seen her coming in he had deserted the hall without Catra even having to say a word. At first, she had wanted to laugh about how easy it was to get something done when the people around her feared her, but then she wondered if that’s what Shadow Weaver thought whenever she watched Catra run off looking for her friend. She was nothing like her...right?

“I won’t be here long if you cooperate,” Catra said, “but I did bring this along in case things get difficult.” Catra waved to Shadow Weaver, using the hand that had a firm grip on the weapon. She quietly sat down on the ground right in front of the force field.

“Threatening pain if something isn’t done your way?” Shadow Weaver chuckled and slowly sat up, “It would appear that I did teach you something after all.” 

Nothing like her right? 

“Cut the shit. I figured it out. Your little play on words, your tricks, and I found the mark. She wasn’t the only one, but she’s not here to do anything about it. I am though. You’re going to fix this….give it back to me and if you don’t then-”

“Then what?”

Catra’s grip on the baton tightened. She tried to speak up, tried to explain the next steps in her plan, but all that came out was a tiny gasp as the truth finally hit her and the woman sitting across from her.

“You don’t have a plan,” Shadow Weaver said before letting out another laugh. “Oh you little idiot. You thought you could come in here and wave some crude, little, insignificant weapon in front of me and what would happen? Was I just supposed to fix all of your problems like that? No, it’d take a miracle to do that.”

“THAT’S ENOUGH.”

The feline was taking the force field down and barging into the room before she even realized what she was doing. All she knew was that she was tired of Shadow Weaver telling her who she was. The first time she swung the baton around, she didn’t see it make contact with her caretaker’s mask, but she felt it. She felt the impact of it shake up into her arm and make her shoulder seize up. Quickly, she tried to stabilize herself and grabbed onto her weapon with both hands as she came back around for one more hit. This time the woman had finally made some attempt to move back and protect herself. 

“Are you afraid of me now,” Catra hissed as she swung once more. “I will do whatever it takes! I don’t care anymore, do you get that? I put you in here and I will make it your own personal hell until they drag you out to ship you off to Beast Island. I. Will. Win.” 

Catra kept taking small steps backwards to one side of the cell until she felt the cold metal walls meet her shoulders. Then that cold feeling seemed to run through her entire body as she gasped for air that would help the empty chamber in her chest. She could feel herself crashing already, her energy spent on trying to get some kind of revenge. Watching the person across from her trying to gather themselves, Catra hoped that it would just make her angry again. This person, this….guardian of hers still managed to move around and act as if none of this bothered her. Why was the universe still letting Shadow Weaver come out on top? What was Catra doing wrong?

“Why,” Catra looked down at the floor as she felt hot tears brimming. She didn’t want to give Shadow Weaver the satisfaction of seeing her like this. They didn’t do that in the Horde. “Why did you do it? I don’t get it! You did everything else and it still wasn’t enough? The insults, the threats, and your magic….why this? I want to know! I want it back and I want to know what was so bad that you felt like you had to take it away.”

The only answer she got was silence. She even looked up to see if Shadow Weaver was whispering something that she couldn’t hear over her own panic. There was no sound of shuffling feet or a brush of cloth that might happen when one was standing up. The only sound that could be heard was Catra trying to get her breathing under control. 

She wasn’t even good enough for an answer. 

“After everything you’ve done…..don’t I deserve one thing?”

“Oh Catra, you already have everything you have now because of me. Because of the opportunities I gave you. I think that should be enough don’t you?”

So that’s how she was going to play it. Catra should have seen this coming. She was pathetic for thinking that Shadow Weaver could have been threatened into doing what she wanted, but Catra had thought that maybe they were past all of that. If she had been smart, the feline would have stood up, turned around, and walked straight out of that cell and waited her out. But Catra was desperate. She couldn’t help thinking about the possibility that she would come back in a couple days and find the cell empty with Shadow Weaver being on the schedule to be shipped out along with Catra’s last hope of having some piece of her mind back where it belonged. It was now or never.

Catra slowly slid the baton down to the ground beside her as she took a few steps closer to Shadow Weaver. The closer she got, the smaller she seemed to get as well. Her ears laid down flat against the top of her head, her eyes looked back down to the floor, her hands clenched up into fists, and slowly she sat down on the floor in front of her guardian. 

“Please,” Catra whispered. Her body felt like it was choking on the words she was trying to get out. “Please I need this.” 

They sat there for a moment just facing each other with Catra’s head slightly tilted forward so that she wouldn’t have to look directly at her. The silence was excruciating and Catra’s knees were beginning to ache from the pressure of the rough concrete floor below them. Before too long, the feline felt that familiar hand come up to brush along her chin. She tried to stop the shiver running up her back that made her try to pull away from that touch. If she was going to do this it had to be done the right way….Shadow Weaver’s way.

“And what do I get out of this? Out of helping you?”

“Anything,” Catra said, her eyes closing tight, “I’ll do anything.” She didn’t have to look up or remove the mask to know that Shadow Weaver was smiling.

“I suppose I do have one request.” 

After a couple minutes of explanation, Catra quickly got up, grabbed the stun baton, and swiftly made her way out of the cell. With the force field back in place, Catra pressed down on the small button that sat on the top of her force field badge. Usually Catra saw Entrapta as a constant pain in the ass that simply had to be dealt with, but maybe tampering with her and Scorpia’s badges to make a specific two way radio (Scorpia’s idea not hers) wasn’t such a terrible idea. 

“Scorpia wake up. I need your help.” She knew that last part would get her a quick response and she wasn’t disappointed.

“Hey wildcat! It’s a little late don’t you think? Nevermind though it’s fine! What did you have in mind?”

“Do we still have the prisoner’s personal belongings from when we cleaned out my private quarters?”

“Uh well yeah….they’re packed up in the Black Garnet chamber.”

“Perfect. We’ve got something we need to find.”

\----------------------------------------------

“Hey listen are you sure about this? It’s not that I’m doubting you, I would never doubt your ideas, but you seemed really um..tense after your last conversation with her and now suddenly this?” 

“Scorpia,” Catra threw up an arm in front of the Horde princess to stop her from walking any further. The force captain didn’t bother to turn towards the girl standing next to her. She just kept staring down the hall at the first set of doors that opened into the prison. “If I wanted someone to question my every move again I’d go looking for an eight foot tall idiot that lives in Bright Moon. Get it?”

“...got it”

Catra would have felt maybe the smallest pang of guilt if it weren’t for her constantly replaying her groveling in her mind. She had let herself get weak again, let Shadow Weaver break her down once more, and now Catra was running around trying to pick up the pieces and put herself back together. Literally, she was trying to put the pieces of her mind back together. The pattern of it all infuriated her to no end. 

“Just hold it out for her to see and then wait for further instructions. I only get one shot at this and I can’t afford for anyone to screw it up for me.” Catra took the silence that followed as a sign that Scorpia knew what to do.

It had only been a couple of times now, but Catra had the passage to that cell memorized. In fact, she could almost drift off into her mind and let her body go on autopilot. Luckily, the early morning shift had been persuaded to wait on the top level of the cells. It was amazing what could be done with the threat of exposing missing ration bars. Before too long, Catra and Scorpia stood in front of a familiar cell and this time the prisoner seemed to have been waiting for them. She sat quietly off to one side of the cell, resting her head on the wall behind her as if the two soldiers that had arrived had purposely taken their dear sweet time getting there and it was the worst possible inconvenience for her. 

“We got it,” Catra said. Nodding over to Scorpia, she watched the girl carefully hold the sorcerer’s guild badge up in one claw before tucking it back into her pocket. 

“Now, she’s going to hold on to that until this is over. You give me back my memories-”

“Memory,” Shadow Weaver interrupted. “I only had to take one from you.” 

“Do you want a thank you?” Catra scoffed as she folded her arms and pulled them close to her chest. Maybe this would be easier than she thought? “Anyways, as I was saying, you give me back my memory and I’ll hand over the badge. However, anything funny and it would only take a second for Scorpia to shatter that badge to bits and let you watch. We can even make sure to put the pieces in a nice little pile right out here for you to look at.”

This was it. Catra finally had a plan and for the most part it seemed foolproof. If only Adora was here to see this. To watch her finally succeed at getting something out of Shadow Weaver. Adora had never been able to do that, not really. The feline had finally come out on top for once and all it took was….giving up nearly everything else. It didn’t matter though, this was worth it.

“Very well then. You’ll have to come in here for me to do anything. It doesn’t require very much magic on my end to give it back. Just a lot of patience from you.” 

Catra huffed at the remarks. Of course, this was the one thing that Shadow Weaver would still be able to do as weak as she already was. Ignoring that uneasy feeling in her stomach, Catra nudged her head over to the side wall for Scorpia to stand over there as she reached over to turn off this force field once more. 

“If something goes wrong….just close it and break the badge do you understand me? I mean it, no rescues...none of that nonsense just close the field and destroy the damn thing.” Catra stared down the white blonde force captain and refused to look away until Scorpia gave a sheepish nod and then stepped into the cell. 

She could feel Scorpia staring them both down as she walked in and sat in front of Shadow Weaver. Usually she would have been annoyed, but something about it this time helped to relax her shaking hands. Without any warning, Shadow Weaver’s own hands shot up to reach for Catra’s temple and the back of her neck but Catra’s claws quickly swatted them away with a hiss. 

“What the hell are you doing?”

“I’m sorry did you not want my help? It was required to perform the block and it’s required to undo it.” 

Catra muttered something about a warning before quickly giving a nod and shuffling back into her seated position. Those hands were cold resting against her fur and Catra’s body tensed up as if she was waiting for that familiar shock of magic to come through once more. One hand found its way into that familiar resting spot alongside her chin while the other rested on the back of the neck where Catra knew those spiny fingers were probably sitting right on top of the mark they had left behind.

“This might hurt a little bit.” Did she...did she sound amused by this? 

“Wait what do you mean-” 

The pain was unlike anything Catra had ever felt before. It was worse than the shock of electric magic used against her, worse than any pain in her chest from seeing someone turn their back on a promise, this made Catra want to knock herself out with her own stun baton. She would have tried to pull away from the hands that she could feel pushing that pain into her, but her body went rigid and locked up on her. It was like some kind of force was trying to shove its way through her brain. A small whimper slipped out as her body finally seemed to give up and her head tipped back far enough for the rest of her to follow down to the floor. The hand that had once cradled the back of her neck was gone. Something in her had shattered, Catra could feel it and then suddenly her mind was pulled back to a scene of a familiar locker room as her hand reached out to slam the locker door shut.

“CATRA?!” 

The scream finally brought her back to the real world. Gasping out for air, Catra struggled to turn over onto her stomach and crawl out of the cell. She could hear someone laughing, but then there must have been more than one person close by because she saw familiar red pincers reach out and drag her out of the cell by her shirt. It took another minute or so for her vision to fully come back and she could finally muster enough energy to sit up. Her head was pounding, like everything in it was trying to shove outward to make room for something new. 

Looking back into the cell didn’t help either. Shadow Weaver was seated back in the position she had been in when they first came to her only this time she was slowly shaking her head and chuckling to herself.

“What the hell,” Catra said between more gasps for air, “what the hell did you do to me?”

“What you asked,” Shadow Weaver said, “You wanted the memory back so I took down the barrier around it. I gave you exactly what you wanted.” 

Her words barely registered in Catra’s mind. There was so much to piece together now. She finally knew what happened and...it finally made sense. 

“Th-that was my choice,” Catra said to no one in particular. Scorpia tried to offer her arm as Catra stood up, but the feline swatted it away. “I told her…..and she finally listened to me. That’s why it had to go away isn’t it? This wasn’t what I wanted, this was never what I wanted, and you stole that from me.” 

If it had been a few minutes ago, maybe Catra would have run back in and tried to beat her caretaker again. She would have put all of her energy into making sure that woman would regret giving her back that memory. But now? Catra’s body simply didn’t have the energy for it and she was beginning to realize there was something more important.

“I can’t wait for her to get that one back. She’s going to go crazy when she realizes what happened.”

“That’s the point my dear.” That right there made the fur along Catra’s arms stand up. 

“I don’t understand, what do you mean?”

Gods she hated that laugh. She’d heard that laugh so many times while she was trying to stutter out an apology or beg for another chance to do something right.

“Oh Catra, that was just one memory. Can you imagine having to do that over and over and over again? And once those barriers start coming down well….you tried your best to deal with it. Adora’s strong, but all the pain and all those truths coming back and she’ll go mad. She won't even know who you really are or what to do with that pretty little sword of hers. Can you imagine the guilt of being unable to stop herself from killing her friends because she doesn’t know who she’s really fighting for anymore? She can have the memories back, but she’ll be useless afterwards.” 

That’s when it clicked.

“That was your plan all along. Take it all away and get her to do whatever you wanted. It didn’t matter if she realized what was going on because you could always erase it again or if it got too bad you’d just toss her in the trash with the rest of us….ship her off to a battle and just let her run off to the middle of the fighting until something happened. You could even turn around afterward and get sympathy for losing her…discuss what a waste it was for her to go like that.”

Catra told them to get it checked out, told them that any sorcerer would know what to do, and now she’d be responsible for whatever happened next. Or what if it had already happened? Catra quickly tried to work through in her mind how many days had truly passed. It had been a little over a week since they had finally gotten back to the Fright Zone. Catra didn’t even want to think about how quickly Adora’s friends would be racing around to get her whatever she needed to get her up and back into battle again. And when it all came crashing down, Catra knew it was her fault. She should have kept her mouth shut. 

“I don’t know what you’re so upset about,” Shadow Weaver muttered, her attention now turning to Scorpia’s pocket. “You got what you wanted, Adora won’t be a problem for much longer, and that means well…..who’s next Catra?”

The feline turned to her fellow force captain and held out her hand. She knew what needed to happen now. Listening to Shadow Weaver, it all became very clear. After all, a deal’s a deal. Shadow Weaver wanted to see her guild badge again. Trying to catch her mismatched eyes, Scorpia slowly handed the badge over and stepped back to the railing behind her friend.

“So I guess you’ll be needing this then?” Catra held up the badge, watching for Shadow Weaver’s mask for any reaction. She wanted this, no, she needed this. Whatever this stupid badge was to her, it seemed more important than Adora or the Horde would ever be. 

“That was the bargain wasn’t it?” Shadow Weaver stood up and slowly walked over towards the edge of the prison cell. The green chains connecting her shackles to the wall stopped her from just toeing the line of the force field. 

“Well then,” Catra said. Quickly her hand slipped back to the side wall and Catra took a step back as she watched the force field come back on and immediately shock the prisoner until she fell to the floor. 

The cackling laugh that Catra let out made everything feel better, but not as good as when she squatted down to where Shadow Weaver now laid behind the gate and gently set the badge down. Just a few inches away from Shadow Weaver’s hand, but still too far out of reach. 

“Go ahead,” Catra whispered, “take it. What’s wrong with you? Take it!” Catra’s eyes widened and her smile only grew as she watched Shadow Weaver groan and try to push herself up off the ground. “Come on now I’m sure if it really meant something to you...if it mattered at all you’d try harder right?” It took a couple minutes, but watching it dawn on Shadow Weaver as to what was really being said made Catra realize that she was doing the right thing. 

“I’ll tell you what. I’m going to trust this little thing with a friend of mine and if you’re nice and do as you’re told then maybe they’ll let you look at it again.” Catra plucked the badge up off the ground and handed it back to Scorpia before looking back at Shadow Weaver as she stood up.

“I truly hope you learn something from this. I know it seems impossible right now but….I really think this will make you better in the end.” And with that, Catra turned away from the cell with a new plan forming in her mind. 

The walk from the prison to Entrapta’s laboratory was silent. Scorpia had tried to walk next to her and every couple of minutes she would take a breath to say something, but when Catra wouldn’t look over or acknowledge her Scorpia took that as a sign and walked the rest of the way just a few steps behind her. When they arrived, Entrapta quickly swung over from her position on the floor next to Emily using her hair. She had landed directly in front of the two soldiers, but apparently one look at Catra told her to step back. 

“Entrapta,” Catra said, handing over her force captain badge. “I need you to tamper with this.” She knew just what to say to get the princess to do at least one thing she wanted. 

“Ohhhhh I see what did you have in mind?”

“Shut off its Horde tracking access, open it up to the Rebellion tracking instead, but keep the communication open for Scorpia...and you.” Catra could tell from the swish of the girl’s pigtails as they seemed to fall down to Entrapta’s side that this wasn’t exactly what she was hoping to hear. 

“That’ll take maybe five minutes.” 

“Okay….well challenge yourself to see if you can get it done in two.” That seemed to do the trick. Catra turned around and sat down on the couch behind them. She hadn’t noticed it until her body laid back into the cushions, but Catra was exhausted. Knowing that the feeling wouldn’t change for a while though, Catra tried to ignore the desire to close her eyes as she made a quick list in her mind. 

“What are you doing?” When had Scorpia sat down? Catra finally looked over to her and it was clear that she already knew what Catra was going to say. 

“Keep the sorcerer’s badge close, only trust it with the other guards in my group, but don’t tell them why you have it. I’ll let you know when I get there and we’ll figure out what you and Entrapta can start working on here. If you hear anything….tell me immediately, but don’t expect a reply.” 

“Catra,” Scorpia whispered, shaking her head. She didn’t seem like she was trying to refuse the orders, but it was more like she couldn’t handle any more information. 

“I have to go. After that, after what I remembered I can’t just sit here and let her brain cave in on itself. There’s got to be something else they can do. I’ll figure out how to get them to listen, figure out how to get her those memories back and then I’ll just...I’m not sure.”

“Wildcat...are you sure you have to do this? This is the Rebellion we’re talking about. We can just go ahead and leave if that’s what you want.” 

“No,” Catra hated pulling away from Scorpia, especially when she knew what the girl really wanted but she couldn’t spend her time playing pretend. “This is what I want to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I get any questions about this the next chapter will be the memory from Catra's pov! Eventually you'll get Adora's as well.


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE MAKE SURE THAT YOU'VE READ CHAPTER 4 BEFORE YOU READ THIS 
> 
> After Shadow Weaver breaks the mental barrier in Catra's mind, she revists a hidden memory. 
> 
> Memory is in Catra's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As mentioned before I would just highly suggest reading chapter 4 before you deep dive into this but eh what do I know. Thanks again for all the wonderful comments and kudos! I recently got back to work and the kind words and kudos have been a huge encouragement to take the time to continue this story and do something that I enjoy outside of the stress of my job.
> 
> Warnings for emotional and physical abuse from about the middle of this chapter onward because Shadow Weaver is just....well she exists.

The rest of their squad had managed to sneak away from the locker room before most of the bickering had even begun. 

“What was even the point of throwing yourself in there?”

“We shaved two minutes off our previous time because I went in to help you! Kyle even lasted five minutes longer than usual because we were all there to keep him alive.”

“Yeah and I wonder if he would have lasted longer if you had thrown yourself in front of his bot like you did mine.” 

“...you don’t mean that.”

Catra didn’t know it, but a year from now she’d be staring down her best friend just like this from across a battlefield in Thaymor. She could feel her claws retract as she tried to bite back her next smart remark. It wasn’t that she was really angry with what Adora did, but Catra just wished her friend would give her the chance to show off what she could do. Then again, Adora had been assigned the leader position for their run through. At this point, Catra was surprised she hadn’t tried to argue her way into extra points for getting herself ‘killed’ to save one of their squad members. It’s what a good leader would do.

“Catra,” Adora said. She tried to keep eye contact with Catra as if checking to see when the feline might explode. “You chased it into the middle of a grove of trees and even without the virtual reality goggles on I couldn’t see where you were. As leader, it would have been stupid for me not to go in and help. Besides we needed to cut down that time and-” 

She was trying to protect Catra right?

“No you needed to cut down that time,” Catra interrupted and tried to push down her own thoughts. “Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on here. I heard about the meeting coming up today. Cadets aren’t even supposed to be there.” 

Adora’s cheeks immediately turned pink and she looked around the empty locker room wildly as if someone was going to pop out of a locker and demand to know what Catra was talking about. 

“How did you hear about that?” Catra’s chest tightened as she felt Adora reach out and pull her closer. “Shadow Weaver only told me about it the other day during one of my meetings with her in her chamber.”

“Yeah and her chambers have vents,” Catra muttered, pulling her hand away and taking a couple steps back. “You’d probably know more about what’s going on around here if you went up there with me but noooooo Catra it’s too risky.” 

“I told you to stop doing that because you’re going to get caught!” 

Catra let out a yelp as the blonde pushed her back into the locker, but quickly went to shove back. Adora must have known it was coming though because she quickly sidestepped and the last thing Catra saw before she lost her footing was that stupid smirk on her face. Landing on all fours, Catra would have normally wanted to crawl into a corner and sulk but the fact that it was just the two of them and Adora was already reaching out a hand to pull her back up made her decide to hold off on the sulking. Her ears even perked up just slightly at the light sound of her friend laughing. She’d find a better way to get her revenge later. 

Catra could remember sitting there trying to hear Shadow Weaver’s mumblings over the sound of her heart pounding in her chest. It was right after the Horde had received some bad intel about a few of their ships off the coast of Salineas. Everyone around the barracks was on edge and terrified of even being seen by Lord Hordak or his second in command. So a couple days later when Shadow Weaver had stormed into the barracks demanding that Adora come to her chambers at once, it was the first time that Catra felt that panic tighten up in her chest for someone else. Normally, if it wasn’t her name being called out like that then she’d mind her own damn business, but not this time. Catra sat squished up in that vent listening in as Shadow Weaver went over all of Adora’s progress and numbers, made suggestions for improvements that were ridiculous, and then told the blonde that she’d be attending a force captain meeting with Lord Hordak himself. Something about it being time for Adora to start making her mark in the real world and giving her a taste of what true leadership meant. If Adora had been any more excited her eyes would have popped out of her head, but all Catra could feel was that fear that she would never admit to. 

“Catra?” The concern in that voice brought her back and she immediately reached out to squeeze Adora’s hand. 

“Th-this is important, Catra. She said I’m going to be the only cadet in the hall with all of the force captains. It’s an honor and I only have one chance.” Catra highly doubted that these were Adora’s own words, but she bit down on her tongue to stop herself from saying something stupid. “Think about it! Going to the meeting and us getting that new score together, they’re bound to make us force captains in no time!” 

“You mean bound to make you a force captain.” And suddenly they were right back to where they started. Catra pulled away from that physical contact once more and sat down on the bench to create even more space between them. Why couldn’t she just be happy for her? She was staring at the ground to avoid having to meet those blue eyes trying to call her out on her shit, but she watched a pair of feet walk over and sit next to her. Adora was never going to understand was she? No matter how Catra would try to explain it, her best friend always had an excuse or a positive outlook to throw back.

“Catra, you know I’ll demand that you’re on my team. I’m not going into any battle with any dumb princesses without you by my side. Force captain or not…...we look after each other.” So now even Adora didn’t think she would be good enough for force captain. Catra didn’t even know why she felt surprised by that. She’d spent so much time following Adora and preparing for the Horde’s missions, but maybe that was as good as it could possibly get. And for now...wasn’t that enough? 

“Just go,” Catra muttered, “have fun at your dumb meeting. They’ll probably just hand over your force captain badge as soon as you get in the room.”

It hurt watching Adora reach over and hold her hand, but Catra knew that it was coming. It was their own little way of checking in with each other and occasionally also used to tell one another that they were there. This little signal was supposed to solve everything.Yet, as Catra squeezed Adora’s hand in return and then watched the girl get up and walk away she felt anything but better. 

\-----------------------------

A few hours later, Catra had managed to back up into the vent system again, but this time she stayed in the barracks where she and her teammates had their beds. Soon everyone would be getting ready for lights out, Adora would be coming back, and when she didn’t see Catra in her bed then she’d understand that the feline needed to be alone. It was another signal between them although she was sure Adora hated it, but Catra didn’t know what else to do right now. She knew that if Adora found her sitting in her bunk then the blonde would probably want to spend all night telling her about how awesome being a force captain was. Catra just wasn’t ready for it. 

The vents weren’t exactly a luxurious space for her to stretch out in, but the breeze that would occasionally blast through and the random conversations that she could listen in on made it comfortable. For just a few minutes she could be invisible and there wasn’t any way she could screw up just sitting around. Unless, of course, she got caught wasting away her precious training time. 

Where was Adora anyway? Catra peered out of the slots in the opening of the vent, but so far the barracks were empty. She’d ended up having to suffer through brown ration bars with Lonnie, Rogelio, and Kyle, but this was just getting ridiculous. Was Adora trying to hide from her too?

Catra was trying to find a decent angle to lay in so she’d be able to watch out for people when she heard the patter of boots racing towards the barracks. Her ears flicked up trying to figure out what hall the person was coming from, but she ended up focusing on the whimpers and gasps that grew closer as the stranger threw open the doors and ran in. It only took a few more shaky steps for Catra to recognize the blonde poof and ponytail that came into view. Adora was back and something was wrong. The feline watched as Adora stopped in the middle of the room, her chest rising and falling rapidly as she looked down at something in front of her and immediately spun around to run back to the doors. The look of panic on her face made the fur on the back of Catra’s neck stand up. She almost considered jumping out of the vent to find out what was happening, but she stopped when she heard the barrack doors close. It was clear that Adora was trying to be alone. 

Adora scrambled back into view and went immediately to hide under the thin blanket sitting on her bed. It was only after the last stray pieces of her ponytail were tucked away out of sight that Catra could hear a few broken sobs coming from her bed. Even from the angle of the vent, Catra could see the blanket bob up and down a bit as another whimper and gasp for air shook through the room. She could make out the shape of legs curling in as Adora seemed to try and make herself as small as possible. Something had gone wrong and it was bad enough to make her best friend cry. Just as Catra was turning her legs to kick out the opening of the vent, she heard the door opening and watched as familiar shadow tendrils slowly made their way across the floor with their owner coming into view soon after. 

She wanted to jump out and protect Adora, but her body seemed to have frozen up. The guilty feeling in her chest was losing a battle to the fear in her head telling her to stay there. That anything Shadow Weaver was about to say to Adora would be nothing compared to what would happen if Shadow Weaver found out what her other young ward was up to. 

“Adora my dear there’s nothing to be afraid of, please come out.” Catra wanted to yell down that the woman was a liar and for Adora to hide, but her lips pressed so tightly together that they seemed to disappear altogether. She watched as, slowly but surely, Shadow Weaver managed to coax Adora out from her hiding place. Adora is still looking down at the blanket and doing that pinching routine with her fingers she always does when Catra knows there’s something wrong.

“I’m sorry Shadow Weaver,” Adora says, still refusing to look up. “I was a coward. It was stupid of me and….and I won’t do it again.” Catra wants to scream out that it isn’t true. That whatever happened it’s not Adora fault.

“Oh my dear sweet child,” a whimper slips out as a hand reaches down to brush blonde hair out of the cadet’s face. “I’m glad that you understand and I know you’ll do better next time. After all, one day they’ll need someone else up there to take charge.” Is this about that meeting? What the hell was going on in there?

“NO,” this time Catra watches her look up to meet Shadow Weaver’s mask. “I can’t do th-that. Please there must be some mistake. I...I’m going to be a force captain not….not that.” 

“Oh Adora that’s what only the best force captains do. They take charge of their soldiers, lead them to victory, and help them take responsibilities for their actions.” 

“Not like that,” she grabs Shadow Weaver’s hand between hers. “Please I can’t….I’m not ready. I won’t do it!.” 

And that’s when it happens. 

It would be almost too quick for anyone to see, but she was always Adora’s lookout for a reason. She watches as Shadow Weaver reaches up to hold Adora’s cheek in her hand. The look of calm that seems to wash over Adora makes Catra feel sick. Has it always been this way? As she’s considering whether or not to look away, she sees just the tiniest thread of shadow work its way from Shadow Weaver’s wrist up to the side of Adora’s head. The closer it gets the bigger it gets and even though she’s pretty sure Adora can’t see it, Catra can tell something is making her uncomfortable. The blonde is trying to reach up and pull Shadow Weaver’s hand away when another whine slips out and her caregiver grips on to her face even tighter. The shadow has disappeared, slipping in Adora’s ear. As soon as the shadow disappears inside, Adora’s eyes open, roll back into her head, and her body goes limp. She falls back onto the bed as Shadow Weaver pulls the blanket back up to tuck her in.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get you there,” and with that Shadow Weaver gets up and walks out of the barracks. 

Catra lost track of time as she sat there trying to figure out what she just saw. It’s taken all of her will power and the feeling of her claws gently scratching along her arms and thighs to keep her from screaming. There was no electricity, no threats of violence, but something was really really wrong. She did something to Adora...to Adora’s head and the girl was still passed out. After all this time of sitting with this anger that everything bad always happened to her, now she had evidence to the contrary and she wasn’t sure what to do. It’s not like she could have ever done anything when Shadow Weaver went after her, but this was different. This was ADORA.

It wasn’t easy to slip out of that vent, let alone do it when her hands wouldn’t stop shaking, but Catra managed. Somehow the room was still empty except for the two of them and if Catra was going to figure out anything it had to be fast. 

She looked so small laying there on her bed. Tiny pieces of blonde hair had started to slip out of her ridiculous poof and her mouth was open just the tiniest bit to allow her slow breathing. It was the most at peace Catra had seen her in a few weeks and it was a lie. That thought solidified the plan forming in Catra’s mind and she pulled out Adora’s knapsack and stuffed it with an extra pair of boots and a few extra sets of training clothes before turning to gently shake Adora’s shoulder.

“Hey idiot,” she murmured, “it’s time to wake up.” The blonde slowly shifted around, letting out a groan of frustration as she turned over to avoid waking up. 

“Just give me a second….headache. I’ll be fine.”

“No.” Catra tossed Adora’s now full bag back back to her bed and went to start filling hers. “You need to wake up now and we need to go.” 

The order got Adora’s attention. Catra could feel the mattress move under her weight as Adora sat up and started looking through her bag. 

“Go,” Adora sounded confused, “we’re not going anywhere today are we? I could have sworn all we had today was that third timing round. I’m not forgetting anything am I?”

Catra’s bag dropped to the ground and she took a few steps back as she stared down her clueless friend. They had already had their third timing round, earlier today in fact. Why didn’t Adora remember that? 

“Adora….we already did the training round. We did that and then you left for a force captain meeting.” As soon as she said it, Adora’s face went pale. 

“How did you hear about that?” 

Catra was dumbfounded. Now would have been the point where she would have pounced the blonde and demanded that the joke was over, but the look on Adora’s face told her that this was no joke. Shadow Weaver had done this. She didn’t know what it was exactly, but she knew the bitch had something to do with it. 

“Adora,” Catra sat down and took Adora’s hand in hers, “you already went to the force captain meeting. You were gone for hours and then…” Catra hesitated as she tried to look for any kind of recognition in her best friend, but those blue eyes were still as clueless and confused. “You ran back in here and Shadow Weaver came in after you. She did something, I don’t know what it was, but you fell right to sleep. Please Adora...how about we just go walk around for a bit?” If she could just get her outside, then maybe it would be easier to go the rest of the way. 

“Catra no,” Adora set her bag on the floor, “I don’t get it. I don’t remember any of this. Th-the round with the bots, the meeting, and you said I ran away from Shadow Weaver? No this doesn’t make sense.” Catra squeezed her friend’s hand gently, trying to bring her back to the present. 

“I don’t know Adora. But please let’s just go and get some air and we’ll figure it out. I promise.” 

“No no no.” Adora wasn’t listening anymore. Catra could only watch as the girl’s eyes darted around the room and she pulled away from her friend’s touch to pinch and wring her fingers. “There has to be a better explanation. I was probably just nervous or something and she wanted to make sure I didn’t ruin my chances...she knows I can get-”

“ADORA.” Catra hated making her friend flinch like that, but it seemed like the only choice she had now. “She. Did. This. To. You. I don’t know what it was, but it was bad. Would you please just this once listen to me? Just let me help.” The silence that followed seemed to suffocate them both for a moment.

“....okay,” Adora said quietly. “Just...just for a few minutes and then we’ll figure out what to do from there okay?”

“Adora I tried to tell you this would happen one day.” Shadow Weaver made her presence known rather quickly. Catra tried to reach out and pull Adora back onto the bed, but their guardian’s shadow minions were too quick for the both of them. Those familiar terrors grabbed at Catra and pulled her down to the floor, pressing down on her to stop her from interrupting Shadow Weaver as the woman reached over and pulled Adora closer to her. 

“I had really hoped that letting you play around in those vents would be enough to keep you entertained and out of the way.” Shadow Weaver reaches out her hand to gently nudge Adora’s chin to turn to face her mask. “It’s such a shame Adora had to pick a companion that would be willing to undo all of her hard work. All the time and energy I put into helping her.” Shadow Weaver’s grip on Adora’s face only got tighter until Catra could see that even Adora was trying to pull away. 

“So you did do something,” Catra gasped. It was getting harder to talk, let alone breathe, under the weight of the thick shadows that now hung onto her body and seemed intent on pulling her into the floor. But for once Catra was right and she tried her best to focus on just that part. “I’ll fix it. She’ll be fine. We’ll be okay.”

“Oh Catra. We both know you can’t really do anything here.” Shadow Weaver let go of Adora and walked over to stand in front of Catra, but not before enclosing the blonde in a red force field. Catra struggled against the shadows out of panic. She had been inside that force field before and she knew what came next. 

“But since this is the first time I’ve truly seen you apply yourself to anything I’ll make a deal with you.” Catra’s head jerked up involuntarily as Shadow Weaver pulled back on a fistful of the girl’s hair. “If you can get to her, then you can have her. I’ll give you thirty seconds, but then I’m going to fix this mess. Starting….now.” 

Catra knew from the moment she felt Shadow Weaver let her hair loose that the whole thing was doomed, but she tried anyway. Even trying to pull herself up to stand felt impossible, like her body was buried under some form of sludge that constantly pulled her back down. 

“Go ahead, save her.” 

The words seemed to echo in Catra’s head as she kept trying to stand up, avoiding looking at Adora’s horrified expression. The shadows continued to wrap themselves around Catra’s limbs, hang off her shoulders, and wrap themselves around her neck as they weighed her down. 

“What’s wrong with you? Save her!” Shadow Weaver’s laugh could probably be heard down the hall. 

She knew her time was up, but Catra kept trying to creep forward anyways until a wave of her caretaker’s hand made the shadows too heavy for Catra’s body to keep trying and she fell down into a heap on the floor. All she could do was look up at where Adora stood watching her just a few feet away and see the tears that she was trying to hold back as Shadow Weaver walked back up to her. 

“Come on now I’m sure if this all really meant something to you...if she mattered at all you would have tried harder right?” Shadow Weaver caressed the side of Adora’s face as Catra had seen her do earlier, but this time Adora didn’t acknowledge her. Instead, she stared straight ahead.

“Catra,” Adora’s own voice was muffled by the magic holding her back, “ I’m so sorry. I should have just listened to you from the beginning. I swear I’m going to fi-” She never got to finish her plea before another shadow slipped inside her head and her body went slack as she fell asleep. Catra felt something in her chest crack as the red magic disappeared and Adora’s unconscious body fell to the floor. This was supposed to be her chance to help Adora and she had failed. She really was bad for her.

She wasn’t sure how long she had spent just sitting there looking over at the sleeping girl in front her, but it was long enough for the shadows suffocating her own body to disappear. Just as she looked down to see if she really could move her hands, she felt that tight grip on the scruff of her neck jerking her head back up to face her guardian. 

“I truly hope you learn something from this,” Shadow Weaver hissed into Catra’s ear. “You won’t remember this so it might seem impossible, but I really do think this will make you better in the end.” As she spoke, a warm sensation seemed to spread over Catra’s entire body. It started out comforting, but quickly became too hot and made her skin feel prickly. The shock of electricity that darted through Catra’s mind should have hurt, but Catra was so used to that feeling of pain that she barely flinched before her eyes closed and she fell to the floor.


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora tries to keep moving forward with the Rebellion by her side and Castaspella pays a visit to hopefully answer some of her questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! I want to say thank you for all of the kudos and comments. I've been readjusting to life these last couple of weeks with work and seeing that I had gotten a comment or kudos on this story really kept me going and inspired me to get back to writing this story. Updates may take awhile but I hope that doesn't deter you from reading! Pinky promise I fully intend to see this through, I've got too many ideas floating around in my head not to.
> 
> Notes: Warnings for anxiety and depression and also hints at past child abuse.

“Again!” 

The blonde shouted this as she tried getting up, maneuvering around the small vines and large spikes of ice that were now half buried into the grass of the training yard behind the castle of Bright Moon. Adora quickly slipped her arms out of her jacket, tossed it to the side, and began preparing her fighting stance as she waited for the other two princesses. She knew that she had probably pushed Perfuma and Frosta too hard, but something in the back of her mind was itching for just a bit more. They didn’t understand that the point of training was to push each other until you found that breaking point. After that, you bandage yourself up, sleep it off, and find a new breaking point the next day. Adora knew there was just a bit more until her body was too tired to do anything else. How much more could she stand on her own before she finally cracked? 

“Adora,” Perfuma said, taking in a deep breath which Adora knew was a silent signal for her to clue in on. “I think it’s great that you want to keep practicing. It shows real diligence and courage.” Adora could practically hear the wheels in Perfuma’s head spinning around trying to think of a positive way to say all of this. “But I just think that maybe-” 

A faint sparkle of familiar pink glitter out of the corner of Adora’s eye cut off Perfuma’s speech and soon Glimmer was throwing her arms around Adora.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for y- WHAT HAPPENED TO THE YARD?” 

Something about the immediate volume change made Adora flinch and attempt a small step away from the source of the commotion. She wouldn’t be able to say what it was that made her do that, but for just a moment something in her head seemed to scream at her to run. The only thing that stopped her from doing that was the fear of having to explain herself later. She was tired of her mind being the major source of conversation these days.

“She’s insane!” Adora almost forgot Frosta was still there. “Adora has been running us ragged trying to train. I know I’m good but this is ridiculous.” 

Adora flashed a quick smile, mostly because she didn’t know what else to do. For a group that swore they were ready to defeat the Horde and bring peace to Etheria, it was difficult convincing them to really focus on what needed to be done. They needed to train harder, go over battle strategies, locate possible attacks, and if that took up all of Adora’s time then so be it. It was a better use of her time than anything else right now.

“Actually now’s the perfect time for you all to take a break because I was just about to interrupt whatever this...was to get Adora into another meeting.” The groan that slipped out at Glimmer’s words was a lot louder than Adora meant it to be, but when she looked over at her best friend she tried to slip on a happy face. 

“Aunt Casta found something!” Glimmer was a lot more excited about this than Adora ever would be. “She’s here with a couple other council members to go over all of it and then...who knows!” Adora never had a chance to ask what all would be involved in ‘going over all of it’ before she felt her stomach sink and the field around her disappear and she found herself staring at the closed doors of the War Room. It happened so often now that she really should have been used to it, but Adora desperately wished that Glimmer would warn her before teleporting her. As usual though, Adora took a step back to breathe and kept her thoughts to herself. It was better this way. 

“-the sword?” 

“Hmm?” Adora broke away from her thoughts to catch just the tail end of Glimmer’s question.

“She-Ra’s sword, your sword. I didn’t see it outside with you, where is it?”

“Oh um I left it in my room. I just thought maybe it was time for me to train some without her you know? I need to be prepared in case anything happens.”

It seemed like a good enough excuse for now. Truth was though, Adora hadn’t transformed into her eight foot tall counterpart since the incident at the Northern Reach. After what she had done, what she had been told that she had done, there was something that held her back from picking up the one item that used to make her feel truly powerful. She thought she had been chosen by that sword to do some real good, but now she wasn’t so sure. 

“I can go get it though if I need to.” Glimmer turned back to face her instead of opening the doors and gave Adora a hug. 

“It’s going to be okay,” she whispered, “we’re going to fix this together. I promise.” 

Adora did indeed feel like something that needed to be fixed. 

The War Room was just as bright and open as ever. Even without huge windows to let in the light of the daymoon the brightness of the space was quite obnoxious. The warmth of the light was usually a comfort to Adora, it was a lot different from the chambers and offices of the Fright Zone, but today that warmth was stifling and Adora could feel the skin of her arms tingle with discomfort. The sympathetic stares that met her as she sat down at the table didn’t help. She immediately recognized Glimmer’s aunt, but the three other sorcerers she didn’t know.

“Adora it’s so nice to see you again,” Castaspella smiled and reached out to clasp the hand of the Rebellion soldier. “I’m sorry it took us so long, but I think we finally found some answers.” 

It had been two weeks now since that first time Adora had thrown herself into one of the walls of this room trying to get away from Castaspella’s magic as it tried to search her mind. Unfortunately, it was not the last time that Castaspella used her magic on Adora. That first time ended so quickly that Casta really couldn’t get an idea of what the magic had caused so they had to look again. After that, Adora found herself too embarrassed to disagree or try to explain the pain to the sorcerer or her friends. Why waste the time explaining what was going on when she didn’t even know what they were up against? There were too many loose variables and it wasn’t like she had much knowledge of the inner workings of magic. So after that, Adora allowed herself to be laid down on a gurney in the infirmary and her limbs strapped down for her safety and the safety of her friends as Glimmer’s aunt attempted to quickly search and determine just what Catra had tried to warn them about. Every time she could picture herself back in the Black Garnet chamber waiting for Shadow Weaver to wipe out everything that made Adora who she was, but she’d close her eyes against those thoughts and try to focus on the sounds of her friends standing by her side instead. These mind searches only happened two more times, but they had certainly left an impact. Although, Adora found a part of her that wanted to thank Castaspella because her nightmares were less of a mystery now. All she had dreamt of for several days were ugly red sparks of lightning chasing her into a corner. The pain always woke her up, but she no longer sat in bed afterward trying to force her mind to remember something that wasn’t there. She knew where those red sparks came from.

“Adora?” Once again, she was getting called out for her lapse in attention. This time Glimmer’s hand gently rested on Adora’s shoulder and a gentle squeeze pulled her back into the meeting. 

“I’m fine,” Adora smiled, “guess Frosta and Perfuma got me a little harder than I thought. I’m sorry Head Sorcerer please continue.” 

Castaspella nodded to one of her fellow sorcerers and soon a large book was brought out to sit on the desk. It wasn’t long before the book was enveloped in a glowing ring of Casta’s blue magic and it was floating upright just above the table, opening itself, and flipping through its pages until it landed on a page yellowed with age and spot where someone had obviously ripped out the next page. 

“This is all we could find,” Casta said. “This book is no longer used by the council. The magic in these pages is ancient. Some of it might still work, but at great cost to those who use it. Any of these spells could drain a significant amount of any energy from any great sorcerer. That’s why we stopped using them, that and some of these spells are....not worth the consequences that would follow.” 

“And you believe it was used on me,” Adora murmured, staring at the swirls of ink and the words in front of her. She knew immediately that there was only one person that would have possessed the power or the need to use this book, but she tried to ignore that thought and focus on the voices around her.

“We can’t say for sure, but this page here gives us some information on a memory spell and if we add in what we were able to discover in your mind then it’s easy to put together the idea that this was used on you. This spell….it doesn’t erase memories but rather encases them in an impenetrable magical shield. You wouldn’t be able to access these memories unless the shield was broken and, from what we know from trying to look into your mind, attempts to reach these memories or focus on them cause the shield to try and force the conscious attempt out. Otherwise, the brain never even knows that it’s there. It just skips over the encased memory and moves directly to the next available one.” 

The way Casta spoke it seemed like it was all just common knowledge. Adora looked at the other sorcerers and even they looked like they were in the middle of a regular council meeting, whatever that was. Glimmer was the only one that she could notice shift with what she believed to be uneasiness. 

“So she hid them from me.” It was the first time Adora put the blame on her caretaker. 

“In a manner of speaking, yes.” Now everyone looked uncomfortable, like they finally remembered that this ancient curse was used on someone they knew. The silence that followed lasted long enough to hear a couple Bright moon guards walk through the hallway on the other side of the doors. 

“How many?” 

“I’m sorry?”

“How many are there?” Adora continued to stare at the book, afraid that she’d break down if she looked away. “How many of my memories are hidden? You were just in my head a couple weeks ago.” 

“As of right now I’d have to say at least 10 or so and the shields appeared to be spread throughout your memory.” 

Ten or more. Ten or more times in her life where Shadow Weaver decided that something had to go away. Was it something she did wrong? Was it something she just wasn’t meant to see? How did Catra know about this? Adora couldn’t stop the questions that kept popping up and she was biting down on her bottom lip to stop them from coming out in an endless string of ramblings.

The edges of her vision seemed to blur out as Adora reached out to grip the edge of the table. She could feel her chest tremble as she tried to breathe out steadily. There was no gasping for air or panicked shouts this time, she had to make sure of that. These people were trying to help her. They were taking precious time away from planning for the Rebellion to try and figure out what was wrong with her. Trying to fix their precious, stupid, broken Adora and she couldn’t be ungrateful. 

“So what do we do now?” Glimmer’s voice broke through the ringing sound in Adora’s ears and she went to grab her best friend’s hand. She couldn’t find it in herself to give that gentle squeeze that seemed like second nature. Glimmer wouldn’t understand what it meant, but Catra would have if she were here.

“That’s the part that we’re unsure about.” Castaspella sat down and the book closed itself before laying down on the table. “Sorcerers who used this type of spell….I can’t imagine how desperate they had to be. This is not what our magic was meant for and I have a feeling that Sha-the person who did this wasn’t just using their own power. She had to have some back up source especially if she did it so many times.”

“The Black Garnet,” Adora said quietly. 

“That would do it.” Castaspella looks over at the other sorcerers for confirmation before continuing. “If she was able to use that then whatever power rests inside the garnet could also be present in the memory shields that she made-”

“Aunt Casta,” Glimmer interrupted, Adora could hear the impatience in her voice. “Can those shield things be broken? Can Adora get those memories back?” Leave it to the princess to get right to the point.

“Yes.”

“What are you not telling me?” Adora immediately regretted the words as soon as they came out, they sounded a lot harsher than she had meant but she was too tired to stop it. She could feel herself getting more frustrated as Castaspella seemed to silently stutter, searching for a way to say whatever it was she needed to tell them.

“It will be painful, extremely painful. Going in and breaking a mental shield isn’t difficult work, but when it falls apart and those memories would be free...it might be too much to handle. We haven’t been able to find a record of what happens afterwards.” 

“So there’s really nothing that we can do then.” Adora nodded and sat back in her seat. Somehow that made her feel a little better as weird as it seemed. It was less complicated this way.

“Now I didn’t say that,” Casta said.

“It’s a difficult process and you don’t know what would happen to me afterwards, that’s what all of that means. That’s not a lot of room left for a quick judgement call.” 

“...Adora.” 

The blonde knew that she was being cruel, but she couldn’t help it. Was she the only one who realized just how bad this could get? If they didn’t know what would happen to her, then that meant they wouldn’t have a clue as to what would happen to She-Ra. Adora knew that the Princess Alliance would never admit it, but they desperately needed She-Ra right now. Etheria needed She-Ra now. They were all sitting here at this table doing nothing but playing pretend and it was wasting their time. It was simple when the blonde thought about the long term plan. She-Ra was more important than a few painful blank spaces in her memory.

“ -were to start immediately there is a chance that we could spread the procedure out over several days or even weeks if needed. Start with the oldest blockage and slowly work our way towards the more current ones. We believe that the longer the shield has tried to stay in place the easier it might be to take down.”

“We can take as much time as we need,” Glimmer continued the conversation without her friend. “I’ll call an emergency meeting of the Alliance and see if we can get others to monitor the villages closest to the Whispering Woods and we’ll have guards on call if there’s ever a serious threat. Adora, Bow and I can be here to stay with you as much as you’d like and aside from my mom nobody else needs to know about this.”

They were making a mistake and they didn’t even know it. Adora looked down to see her hands shaking and she tried to press them down onto her lap to get them to stop. Glimmer was talking about reworking weeks of plans in a matter of minutes like the Rebellion could afford to do any of that. Etheria was going to fall apart because She-Ra was having nightmares. She had to stop this, it was her duty.

“Thank you,” Adora quickly stood up and the noise of her chair moving backwards to accommodate her was what finally got everyone’s attention. “I appreciate everything you’ve done and I wish I could make up for all of the time you’ve spent doing this. I’d like to wait though um….it’s a lot to consider and I’m not sure if now is the time.” 

The silence that followed was too much. Adora tried to look down at her hands that were now balled up into fists, her nails pressing down into her palms.

“I’m sorry,” Adora said. She could see Glimmer open her mouth to say something, but she quickly turned away to head towards the doors. This meeting had to end. She had to get out of there NOW.

“Oh hey Adora.” Bow’s smile at seeing his best friend quickly turned into a face of concern when Adora looked up to see who she nearly ran into in her attempt to run out the door. “Is everything alright? Frosta said you left this outside, but she headed off to go wash up after your training session so I wanted to bring it to you. Anyways, I was taking a look at my communicator pad and I think you might-”

“Thanks so much Bow. What would I do without you?” Adora muttered and grabbed the red Horde jacket before running down the hall. 

“Adora?!”

She heard the other members of the Best Friend Squad try to call her back to where they stood, but she didn’t stand a chance at stopping herself once her legs found their rhythm running down the hall. Adora wasn’t sure exactly where she was going to go, she just knew that she had to get away. In her right mind, the blonde would have been able to tell anyone that she knew wasn’t in any real danger, but the moment that she turned down the offer made by Castaspella and her council Adora knew that she had to hide away. Even if it was just until the sorcerers left, she needed to get out of there. 

It was embarrassing when she finally had to stop to catch her breathe and ease the burning in her calves. Maybe the Rebellion was making her soft. She tried to ignore that thought as she made an attempt to slow down her breathing and figure out where she was. The hallway looked familiar, like maybe she had walked down this way on one of her random walking trips around with her friends or maybe ended up down this way while Queen Angella tried to get her to open up. Adora slid down the wall until she felt herself land on the floor and brought her knees up to her chest. 

“It’s for the best,” Adora said and wrapped her arms around her legs. “They don’t know what could happen....if you can’t be She-Ra anymore people are going to get hurt.” But people were already hurt. 

She had tried desperately not to think about Catra during the meeting. It was hard enough trying to wrap her head around the idea that Catra had not only given her back to her friends, but then had given them some kind of warning about all of this. What would she say now? Probably that Adora deserved it, that she was being weak for hiding away. Then again, the old Catra probably would have run alongside her and sat with her in silence until Adora was ready to get back up and keep moving on. Her fellow Horde soldier had always known when she was in pain, whether it was physical injuries or just the anxiety from all of the expectations sitting on her shoulders. Either way though, they both knew that you took a few seconds to get it all out through a few punches or maybe a couple tears if there was a free hiding spot, but then you turned right back around, got back to work, and kept quiet. Besides in a way that she knew would probably cause Perfuma to schedule another ‘positive growth’ session, Adora had really gotten off pretty much pain free in the Horde so maybe this was her penance for all of that. It was just a few headaches and some blank spaces in her mind. The only way it could get worse was somehow waking back up in the Fright Zone. 

“I won’t let you win,” Adora stood up and looked down the hall to where it got too dark for her to see. “My friends need me and Etheria….I can’t let them down. Isn’t that what you taught me? I thought that was what I was supposed to do….protect my friends and keep them all safe. To do good. And now you...this magic could have messed all that up for them. I don’t need to know what’s….missing. Maybe I’ll never know. That’s fine though, as long as they’re safe. It’ll be okay.” 

As she slipped back into the comfort of her red jacket, Adora pulled the sides of it tight in her hands. With no one around and people waiting on her in another wing of the castle, Adora let out a quick gasping sob, wiped away the tear that managed to slide down her cheek, and turned around to walk back to the War Room.


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra gets closer to the edge of the Whispering Woods as she makes her way to Bright Moon. Along the way she has one unplanned run in with a stranger and eventually finds the people who she really has to convince of her true alliances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CAN YOU BELIEVE IT ONLY TOOK ME ABOUT A WEEK TO GET THIS OUT?????? Because I can't! I'm going to apologize now if there are any serious errors and I will probably find them tomorrow and edit them out if they exist. I'm back in the classroom with my students and let me tell you I forgot how much easier it was to grade a small child's writing over checking my own. 
> 
> Also, all of you beautiful people who have been leaving kudos and comments have truly been keeping me alive. The comments you guys.....thank you so much. I don't want to be that person, but honestly it's all of the kudos and comments that really keep pushing me to keep writing this. You all are just so kind and I love seeing the reactions. It could be about any part of this story please let me know your thoughts and feelings I need all of it!
> 
> That being said let's get to some warnings: It's Catra's POV so there are a few curse words and small threats of violence. Shadow Weaver is mentioned and her actions are hinted at but no serious details. There is one small section where a fight almost starts, but no serious violence or gore. I hope you enjoy it!

Most people by now would have given up or turned around and headed back to where they came from, but Catra had somehow managed to not completely hate the trip. Sure the Whispering Woods seemed to change every time she wasn’t really focusing, but being in the woods on her own and away from the chaos had done wonders for her so far.

It had been all too easy for Catra to slip out of the Fright Zone only a few hours after Entrapta finished tinkering with her Force Captain badge. She also had to make time for explaining the plan to Scorpia, calming her fellow force captain down after her explanation, and one last Super Pal Trio hug that Catra swore she heard a rib snap during. There was also the issue of stealing a few ration bars to get through the journey, but a quick flash of her badge scored her four of the grey and two of the brown. The plan was to make the grey ones last through the trip and toss the brown ones when she made it to Bright Moon.

A couple of days had gone by and so far she hadn’t heard any attempts to find her. As she walked, in what she prayed was a straight path, her ears were always at attention and ready to warn her of any robots or soldiers in the area. Catra tried to tell herself that it would only be a matter of time before Lord Hordak was demanding her return, but a small part of her mind told her that no one was looking for her. No one was going to miss her. 

“This is stupid,” Catra muttered to absolutely no one. As soon as she said it though she knew it wasn’t true. This wasn’t stupid. This was for Adora. 

Even now the only thing that kept her going was the thought in the back of her head that if she slowed down then she would be too late. It infuriated the girl to no end that she was so worried about her ex best friend. Adora had made a choice to leave, she could go on with her life without Catra by her side it had been made pretty clear. But now, here she was after throwing away everything she had worked for with the Horde just because something might happen to Adora. 

Then again, wasn’t it her fault in the first place if something did happen? 

That was the thought that kept pushing her forward. It kept her walking through the woods while eating her ration bars even though her leg muscles were screaming for a break. She would replay Shadow Weaver’s words in her head when she would finally rest high up on some tree branch and hear them again in the morning when she stopped herself from getting a few more minutes of rest before climbing back down. 

Catra even had dreams about not being able to reach her in time. She’d see Adora curled up in a corner of some room crying and rocking herself side to side. Trying to get to Adora in those visions was like walking through sludge. When she’d finally kneel down in front of the blonde, Catra would feel her own lungs struggling for air. She’d reach out to comfort her former friend or gently push back some of the blonde hair, but that’s when the screaming would start. Adora would throw herself back into the wall and try to push Catra away. The eyes that would stare back at the feline weren’t Adora’s, at least not the way she knew them. They were cold, lifeless, and a light grey color as if the life had been sucked right out of them. Adora would start shouting out and demanding to know why Catra had done this to her, why she had said anything, and the brunette always woke up right after Adora begged for her to take the memories back. It was all too much. 

It was hard to not think back on that dream now as Catra walked through the woods. The quietness of the area, and the fact that she was alone, gave her a dangerous amount of time to spend trapped in her own head. 

If she was being completely honest, she wasn’t quite sure where she was either. She had left the Fright Zone confident that she could depend on her memory of driving a large force team to overtake Bright Moon, but now she wasn’t so sure. The trees had all started to look the same before too long and Catra could have sworn that she heard whispers coming from behind, in front of, and to the side of her but there were no shadows or movement to be seen. Maybe she’d have to find another place to live after all this was over. 

That was another problem she’d have to start thinking about. It’s not like she would be welcome in Bright Moon and Catra couldn’t exactly blame them for not wanting her there. She was hoping that having some kind of information would be enough for them to at least listen, but then Catra knew she would have to leave right after. There would be no waiting around to see how Adora turned out, no pledging to any Alliance, and it would be easier for all parties involved if Catra got in and out as quickly as possible. She didn’t want to stick around to be stared at or constantly reminded of how wrong she had been. 

“Shit,” Catra mumbled under her breath as her eyes focused back on the world around her. She’d come to a familiar grassy patch surrounded by overgrown, twisted up trees. The last time she’d been here she hadn’t felt nearly as empty as she did now. It was difficult for Catra to try and think about how much had changed, how much more she knew now, when it all looked the same.

“Oh Catra I was wondering when you would show up! Although I must say I don’t recall Mara telling me to meet you two here.” The sound of an old woman came from behind her and Catra immediately spun around with claws out ready to protect herself. She only considered retracting them when she caught sight of a tiny elderly woman walking slowly towards her. 

“Excuse me,” Catra said and took a few steps back. “I don’t know you. You must have me confused with someone else.” Yeah, because just how many Catras were there in Etheria? And she always said Adora was the idiot. 

“But of course you do! Where is Adora? Is she bringing Swift Wind?” 

“I..” Catra hesitated. Instinct told her to get in the woman’s face and make some sort of threat. The way this stranger mentioned Adora though made her stop.

“I don’t know where she is, but I’m telling you...you’re wrong. I don’t know you.” 

The white haired woman tried to take another step towards Catra and the girl immediately took several steps back and that convinced the stranger to stop. There was silence while Catra tried to find a quick exit and the woman across from her continued to stare at her intensely before her expression turned to one of immense sadness. 

“No you’re not her, at least not yet,” the woman said and shook her head. “But which are you then? Madame Razz has been told so many stories of your past by the both of you. It is hard to separate the visits.”

She’d lost it. This was all some very elaborate, magical hallucination. There was no other explanation for it. Catra looked down at her body for the tell tale red lightning or even the shadow minions that would confirm her idea. Nothing. It was just her, the grass, and this...whatever this person was.

“This can’t be real. I-I’ve never seen you before. You’re wasting my time!” 

Something about what the feline said must have finally clicked because soon this ‘Madame Razz’ person was smiling and taking a few steps back towards the trees that she had just come through. 

“I know who you are,” Madame Razz laughed, turning towards the trees and waving at Catra to follow her. “You are almost late! If we want to make sure Adora is ready then we must go now!” 

“Ready?” 

Catra quickly checked to make sure her Force Captain badge tracker was still working and decided to follow after the old woman. It would be easy to take her down if she needed to and she doubted that anyone like her would be living too far away from some sort of town or kingdom.

“You are going to help her aren’t you? Someone needs to help them fix it. Magic can do much, but it makes things complicated dearie. Sometimes part of the solution is too easy for those in power to think of.”

“In power? You mean people with magic,” Catra scowled. She was well aware of the effect magic had had on her and Adora by now. The way this woman spoke about Adora though, she had to have met her. 

This made Razz stop and turn towards the feline following a few steps behind her. The stern look on her face and the awkwardness between them only made Catra glare back in response. She wouldn’t be above fighting if that’s what was going to happen. Her claws were slow to protract, but slipped back when Razz sighed and reached out her own hand slowly. Did this crazy fool not know who she was dealing with? How had she not heard rumors of the ruthless force captain who didn’t know when to stop? Confused, but also slightly curious, Catra reached her hand out and held it right above the old woman’s hand. It wasn’t too much longer before another thin purple hand reached up to rest over Catra’s. Razz closed her eyes as they stood like that for a minute. 

“It’s hard,” Madame Razz finally said and looked the girl in the eyes. Keeping a hold of Catra’s hand, she gently nudged for the two of them to walk again and the feline found that she didn’t have the energy to argue. 

“There is so much pain and so much left unsaid between you and my Adora right now. It is so hard to have this visit with you, knowing how you smile when you bring her to see me.”

“I don’t-” Catra stopped herself and sighed. 

“In time dearie. Soon you will have plenty of it. The way will not be easy.”

“Look,” Catra tilted her head towards Razz. “I’m just going to let her friends know what I’ve found out and then I’m out of there. I know something she’ll find out and...I don’t think she’ll be able to look at me the same way again. I won’t need drag her down with me anymore and I won’t let her throw away her perfect life to do that either.” 

“She needs you Catra.” 

Those words brought on a feeling that Catra still hadn’t found a name for after all these years. It felt just like that same tightening feeling that she got when Adora told her that she missed her. 

“In more ways than either of you know now.” Catra took a second to finally look around at where they were. The woods were slowly clearing and now she could see a few grassy hills in front of her, there was also a familiar runestone glowing in the distance. 

“Bright Moon,” Catra realized. “How did you know?”

“You like to tell stories dearie,” Razz said. “I have a very good memory.” 

Catra was pretty sure she had had her fill of whatever this was. She gently pulled her hand away and took a few steps towards the clearing. 

“Thank you.” Before she could turn away to put all of this behind her, she felt that same hand go to grab hers again. 

“She needs you Catra,” Razz repeated, “The two of you have to be ready. You will both make mistakes, there’s no running from that. Sometimes we don’t understand what’s really going on until it’s too late.” 

“Uh yeah,” Catra pulled her hand away and began walking, trying to put as much distance between her and the crazy elder as she could. It was all too much and the fact that Catra somehow managed to get out of there without having to clean her claws was a small miracle. 

How did that woman know Adora anyways? And all that stuff about a simple answer and things left unsaid....none of it made sense. Catra wanted to chalk it all up to the random prophecy bullshit that she and Adora seemed to have a habit running into, but that would have only made sense if it was Adora that was being told all of that information. It didn’t matter though. If Catra was honest with herself she knew she’d probably forget all about it by tomorrow. There was something more important to worry about. 

Stuck in her thoughts once again, it took awhile before Catra realized just how close she was to Bright Moon. In fact, she wasn’t the only one aware of the Horde soldier who had managed to sneak into the Whispering Woods by herself and make it out the other side. Apparently Entrapta’s tinkering had worked and there was now a two person welcome party standing just a few yards off. Her ears perked up as she tried to listen for any others that might have been hiding to surprise her, but it was just the two of them. Unsurprisingly, neither one of them looked exactly thrilled to see her, but instead looked rather shocked to find that the small group of Horde soldiers they were prepared to fight was just one ex-force captain. Catra stopped for a few seconds before they were too close and one hand reached for her badge. 

“Come on Scorpia,” she muttered and gently pressed down on the badge knowing that Scorpia’s own badge should be lighting up with a quick ‘ping’ to let her know that Catra had made it. A few nauseating seconds later and her own badge replied in return by lighting up once and letting off a ‘ping’ of its own. Once meant “everything is fine” and two times meant “stay away”. So far their plan was working out. Now all that was left was for Catra to not get herself thrown into whatever Bright Moon had in the way of a prison. 

“Catra?” 

Bow was the first to speak and that was probably due to the fact that Glimmer appeared to be too shocked to say anything. 

“Arrow Boy…..Sparkles,” Catra tried to pull out her usual smirk, but was so caught up in trying to figure out what would come next that it never happened.

“We followed my trackerpad,” Bow explained and held it up for her to see the glowing red Horde symbol and two purple dots that seemed to be standing right where they were on a map of Bright Moon lands. 

“Then Entrapta did her job right,” Catra said. “For once she listened to directions without needing an explanation.” 

“And who’s directions were those,” Glimmer finally spoke up. Her voice still grinded on Catra’s last nerve like it was her job, but Catra bit back a smart remark. If she didn’t give them something then it was all lost. She had to do this for Adora.

“Mine, my last orders as a force captain if you’re wanting specifics.” 

“Catra did you leave?” Bow sounded like he was ready for a hug. 

“No. I’m just here as a one woman army because I decided I could take down the entire kingdom by myself and you know...I’ve got the time.” Gods, he couldn’t be that dumb could he?

“Are you..are you wanting to join the Rebe-”

“Absolutely not,” Catra cut him off with a hiss. The silence that followed felt like it would never end as the Rebellion leaders shifted uncomfortably, trying to figure out what was going on. Catra took that time to finally look around and tried to sniff out a familiar scent. It wasn’t there like she expected.

“Where’s Adora?” 

“Well, Glimmer took her to a meeting with Castaspella and the other sorcerers. They were talking about-”

“We were talking about her memories and she ran off before Bow could tell her that he’d seen you show up on our radar,” Glimmer interrupted and glared at Catra.“You were right about there being something wrong and now ever since we started trying to figure it out it’s only gotten worse. Is that what you wanted to happen?” 

It’s gotten worse. Catra’s ears flattened down against her head and she looked down at her feet. As much as she hated Glimmer right now, she couldn’t help but wonder if the princess was right. If Catra had kept her mouth shut and just handed Adora and She-Ra back to them at the Northern Reach then maybe none of this would have happened. But she’d rather have her own lost memory back then go back to living out a lie that she had unknowingly made for herself and she wasn’t about to let Adora do the same thing. 

“Do you really think I would have just given up such a huge advantage and told you anything if I wanted it to get worse?”

“Of course you did! Everything you’ve done so far has been some way to try and punish Adora for just trying to get out of the Horde. I can’t believe we even wasted our time with any of this.” 

Catra was quick in lunging towards the princess, arm reaching back and claws ready to pounce, but in her rage she momentarily forgot about Glimmer’s powers. The only damage she caused was blinding herself for a few seconds as she landed in the middle of the sparkle left in Glimmer’s wake as the princess teleported herself to the other side of Bow. 

“Say it again,” Catra snapped, standing back up and pushing back her hair out of her face. “If it makes you feel any better Sparkles, this time it’ll have nothing to do with her.” 

Glimmer’s hands were balled up into fists in the beginnings of conjuring up whatever stupid glitter magic she had when Bow turned to her and gently placed his hand on hers. It was quiet between them, but whatever it was that Bow did got the princess to lower her hands. The glare that was aimed back at Catra however, didn’t seem like it would disappear anytime soon.

“This isn’t getting us anywhere,” Bow said. Of course he would be the one that tried to be the voice of reason. He seemed like the type. “Catra why are you really here?” 

“I came to…” Catra hesitated as she tried to put it all into words. She wanted to be the one to save Adora for once, she wanted to make sure their sorcerers didn’t screw up Adora’s mind more than it already was, and so many other desires popped into her head. None of them seemed quite right. 

“I can’t let you do this,” Catra finally said. “There’s more to it...those memories and what’s happened to them. I don’t know how to break it all, but I know there’s a wrong way to do it. You can’t...just let them loose. It’ll destroy her.” 

“Would she...would she die?” The nausea hit Catra like a wall at the thought of that happening. 

“No, but if Shadow Weaver was correct then she’d probably be better off that way.”

“And why should we believe you? The last time we decided to do that, we watched our best friend drag herself over to a wall and beg us to stop...promised us that she would be better. She didn't even know it was us.”

If Catra closed her eyes she knew she’d probably be able to see what Glimmer was describing. She used to think she was the only one who cowered in a corner when she was trying to prepare for the worst, but now she knew better. One thing was for sure though, there wasn’t anything she could say right now that would convince them. Bow might be persuaded after a while, but Glimmer would never budge. It would take showing her to get the princess to believe. 

Before the two of them could say anything else, the brunette took a few steps towards them and slowly turned around so that her back was facing them. It took her only a few seconds to pull her hair up into one hand and lift it off her neck. The gasp she heard behind her told her that they knew exactly what they were looking at. 

“She’s got one too,” muttered Bow. 

“I see it.”

“Glimmer you know that’s got to mean-”

“I know Bow!” 

Catra couldn’t help but smirk at the obvious annoyance in Glimmer’s voice as she turned back to face them. It was easier to deal with Glimmer. She knew where she and the princess stood and their interactions followed a relatively simple pattern. Bow on the other hand, wore a look of sympathy and Catra took an obvious step away from him in case he tried anything. That one would probably cause problems, but she would deal with that later.

“It was only one,” Catra explains before they even attempt to ask. “The process is…it’s not easy. I know Adora’s strong, but I believe Shadow Weaver was right when she said she’d go mad. The bitch planned it that way. I just came to see if that can help her out and if there’s another way it can be done. That’s it.” 

It’s not difficult to tell that she’s won Bow over. It might not be enough for him to completely trust her, but Catra would think he was insane if he did. Then Bow’s glances to Glimmer along with Catra staring her down only take a couple minutes of silence for her to finally break down. 

“Okay...fine!” Mission accomplished.

Bow and Glimmer hold hands and reach out for Catra to grab on as well. It takes a few seconds before Catra slowly takes both their hands and tucks her tail in close to her body. 

“As soon as we’re in the castle I’ll have a guest room set up for you,” Gimmer says, avoiding eye contact. 

“Wait. No prison cell?” 

“The guest room is the prison cell.” 

Catra lets out a shrill laugh right as Glimmer teleports the three of them back to the castle of Bright Moon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 
> 
> Okay so if you're wondering: yes I'm about 80% sure that Catra and Adora will FINALLY be in the same room in the next chapter. I say 80% because it has to be written first before I can make legit promises.
> 
> As always, kudos and comments and constructive criticism but please be nice or I will cry. Bye!!


	8. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra finally sits down with members of the Rebellion and it goes......just as expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again friends! I've got a LOT in mind for the next several chapters and I think from here on out the story is really going to pick up a bit. We're going to be getting plenty more flashbacks though in case anyone was missing those. 
> 
> Also thank you for all the kind words and kudos. They really kept me going and pushed me to finish this chapter. Things have been a little rough the last few weeks and writing has become one of my few "me time" treats". 
> 
> Also I've been thinking about a new idea for a one-shot? I say this knowing full well that this idea would be JUST a one shot unlike when I thought the first chapter of this story was going to be a one-shot. 
> 
> Warnings: For discussions of child abuse, there's some cursing in here, and there is some small mentions of self harm but nothing any more severe or hinted at than in previous chapters.

“So who are you exactly?” 

Catra looked up from inspecting her claws long enough to get a good look at the guard sitting across from her. Glimmer had teleported her and Bow directly into the war room and immediately had a guard brought in while she and Bow went off to find the queen. The ex-Horde soldier had overheard the princess mumbling about keeping an eye on Catra and that they would be right back. Normally, the feline would have demanded to go along and refused to have been left behind to wait. She had been left behind enough to know what could happen next, but she kept trying to remind herself that the guard didn’t exactly give her a choice and she was lucky to have made it this far. In fact, she really wasn’t sure what would happen next. 

“General Juliet,” the woman muttered and let out a huff of disgust as Catra sprawled out in her chair and propped her feet up on the table. 

“General huh? And they left you in here to babysit me? Should I feel honored?” 

“I wouldn’t say that exactly. You're not the first Horde soldier I’ve had to spend some time babysitting .” And suddenly all of the fun of this whole situation was gone for Catra. 

“Whatever.” Catra let out a hiss, but was quickly distracted by the door opening and people coming into the room. 

She knew who the queen was immediately. Catra recognized her face from some of the paperwork on Bright Moon that Scorpia had forced her to look over before one of their attacks. Plus, it was also made obvious by the way that the general quickly turned and stood at attention as the queen walked past her and over to the larger chair at the end of the table. Did everyone have an assigned seat? If anything, Catra hoped she was sitting in Glimmer’s. 

Queen Angella didn’t exactly look angry or disgusted as she looked over at Catra from her seat, but she didn’t look exactly thrilled either. A snarky remark was sitting right on the edge of Catra’s lips, but she was quickly distracted by a familiar scent that was walking closer. It was magic. Her claws came out immediately and her grip on the arm rests of her own chair grew tighter as she finally looked over to see who exactly she was dealing with. The dark haired woman didn’t exactly look like a threat, but Catra was sure that at some point, years ago, she probably thought the same thing about Shadow Weaver. She wouldn’t be caught off guard again. Clearly the woman was unfazed by the glare that Catra stared her down with because she sat right across from the feline. This was slowly becoming the ex-force captain’s personal hell and getting worse. 

Living in Bright Moon had changed it a bit, but Catra would recognize that next scent wafting through the doors anywhere. She wasn’t even in the room yet, but that aroma seemed to squeeze Catra’s brain until it was all she could think about. Adora was here and she wasn’t ready for it. She’d never truly be prepared to see that ponytail and that stupid poof again. Glimmer began to enter, but then Catra watched a hand reach out from behind the door for Glimmer’s arm and gently tug her back into the hallway. 

“Does she look mad?” 

Catra’s ears flicked up immediately and her tail gave a quick swat against the chair legs when she heard Adora’s voice. It was different from the last time she had spoken, more coherent and she seemed nervous. Was Adora afraid of her? Catra from a few weeks ago would have been thrilled, but the Catra that was here now knew better. 

“I thought that was just her face?” 

Gods she really hated the sparkling princess. It was a shame it was too late now for Catra to do anything about her.

“That’s not funny Glimmer!”

Clearly the pink haired brat didn’t agree because she was still cackling as she reentered the room. There were about two seconds of silence as Glimmer sat down before she and Catra made eye contact and then Glimmer burst into laughter again. Catra no longer felt sorry for the claw marks she left on her chair, even if she wasn’t really that sorry to begin with. 

Adora slipped in and closed the door while Catra was still glaring down her friend. It didn’t take too long for Catra to realize what had happened though. There were a few seconds where the only acknowledgement that Catra made of the new presence in the room was that her ears turned just slightly at the sound of the door closing. Finally,she turned her head to meet those familiar ocean blue eyes. She had never seen someone look so sad and relieved at the same time. The look on Adora’s face and the foggy feeling in her own brain were almost too much to bear and for some reason her body immediately responded by quickly swinging her legs back to the floor and jerking up to stand next to the table. She watched Adora’s eyes roam up and down her own body before the blonde sighed and ran over to her.

“Hey Adora.” 

“You’re safe...you’re okay.” 

All Catra could do was stand there as Adora quickly wrapped her up in a tight hug. 

Adora was tired. No, Adora was exhausted, but Catra doubted if anyone besides her had picked up on that. It was the little things that everyone else in this room probably hadn’t noticed yet. The way that Adora’s eyes didn’t seem quite as bright as they usually were, the bags under those eyes were a couple shades darker, and as she continued to hug Catra her body weight shifted just slightly into her friend as though she was asking for support in keeping her upright. Adora needed Catra’s support. The brunette felt herself quickly shift and plant herself firmly in her standing position so that her own body could hold up Adora’s. She could feel her cheeks heat up at this thought. How stupidly easy it was after only five seconds around this idiot for Catra to find some way to protect her or help her. It was just too bad Adora could never have really done the same for her. Too bad that Catra wasn’t able to save them when it really mattered.

Those thoughts snapped Catra out of their quiet moment together and she gently pushed back from the hug. She didn’t dare to nudge her head upwards for fear of seeing the look of confusion on Adora’s face. Instead, Catra gently pushed Adora towards the seat behind her and turned around to walk towards an empty seat by the door. When she was finally seated again, Catra took a second to look around the room and assess the situation, but never looked towards Adora. 

“You left.” 

“I chose to take an indefinite break, but yeah you could call it that if you want to.” Leave it to Adora to try and cut the tension and make everything seem normal.

“Princess Glimmer has informed me that you have chosen to leave the Horde,” Queen Angella began. “She has also stated that you are willing to share information, but that there is no desire to join the Rebellion.” 

“She’s correct.” Wow, saying it was just as bad as Catra thought it would be. “I have some information that will...help and then I plan to leave after I make sure it’s all been taken care of.” 

“I hope you understand then,” Queen Angella stated, “that choosing to come here means waiting until we believe the situation allows you to leave. As much as some of us would like to believe your words, I’m sure you understand that precautions must be taken. I’m asking that you stay for a while. At least, until we can be sure that you won’t turn around and deliver information back to the Horde.” 

“I’m not some kind of pet for you to keep in the house until you get bored of it,” Catra growled, her claws purposely dragging along the edge of the table. It made her feel slightly better to watch the magic woman and Sparkles flinch at the noise, but Adora didn’t. 

“No one’s calling you a pet, Catra.” Adora’s voice was firm, but also soft. It was clear that whatever energy she had left was being poured into this meeting. “We’re just surprised that you’re even here and, to be honest, most of the people here are under the impression that you’ll run away as soon as you get any new information that might help the Horde.” 

“Nope, running away from everything and everyone was more of your thing. I made a plan before I left and I made sure the people I left behind would be safe. Did you?” 

It was a low blow and Catra knew it, but the words felt good as they came out. That was the part that disgusted her the most about it all. In her head, Catra knew that it was wrong to lash out like that and that Adora was trying to show her support and explain the situation. On the other hand, what was Adora expecting? For Catra to come back suddenly nice and ready to listen? There had clearly been a reason why Shadow Weaver had spent so much time punishing Catra. She wasn’t built to be a good friend. Still, the way that Adora’s lips parted as she realized what was being said and then pressed back together tightly hurt something deep down in Catra.

“Anyways,” Glimmer broke in. She was clearly trying to reign in her own frustrations with their guest/prisoner. “What we’re trying to say is that we would appreciate it if you would plan to stick around for a little bit. Your guest room is being set up as we speak and who knows how long this might all take to figure out.”

“I’ll stay until we get this all figured out and that’s it.” Catra took a second to look over at Adora who was now staring at something on her nails, but then looked back at Angella. “Clearly I got here in time to make sure you didn’t screw anything up and that was my only reason for coming here in the first place.” 

“Why don’t we tell you what we know and then you can tell us what information you have.” Castaspella tried her best to remain calm and keep her voice soft as she stood up and summoned the large spell book back over to the table.

Glimmer finally explained who Casta was to their guest and a hush quickly fell over the room as they listened to the sorcerer’s explanations. Catra constantly found her focus switching between the book in front of them and Adora sitting off to her right side. The blonde wasn’t looking up at the book. In fact, she looked like she would have rather been anywhere else but this room. The way her eyes would flicker up to look at the people around her for a few seconds and then back down to her nails was familiar. It was like they were back in the Horde listening to an older force captain chew out their team for a poor performance. Catra would watch Adora stare off into space just nodding along with the words being yelled at them by some oversized asshat and knew damn well that Adora was already thinking up five new drills for the team to work through. That’s what it looked like now. Something about all of this hadn’t added up right in her head and Adora was already planning their Plan B.

“Unfortunately there wasn’t a lot to go off of from the book. We believe that whoever did this to Adora-”

“To us,” Catra interrupted and looked up at the sorcerer and queen who were both standing at the opposite end of the table. “Also, we know who it was. Her name is Shadow Weaver so we might as well use it.”

She wanted to scratch out the looks of pity from their eyes. It was almost as embarrassing as knowing that once again she had let Shadow Weaver do this to her, that she hadn’t been strong enough to stop it.

“Right,” Casta said, “we believe that Shadow Weaver managed to tear out this other page to help her create the spell. It’s powerful. That much was obvious when we tried to see what kind of damage we were dealing with.”

Did they all think Adora was damaged? Was that what Adora believed?

“Adora told us that she probably used the Black Garnet to produce enough power needed to create that spell. It would have been impossible for her otherwise.” Glimmer looked over at Adora and tried to give her a smile, but the blonde didn’t seem up to returning the favor. Something was wrong. 

“So with that information,” Casta continued on, “we believe that her magic combined with the power of the garnet to create these shields around certain memories. These shields and the magic in them are what kept you and Adora from being able to remember them . Any attempt that you two would make at trying to recall these memories would cause extreme pain. It would be nearly impossible for you to do.”

“Well,” Catra scoffed, “that’s not entirely true so jot that down on a new page. None of us would be here if it hadn’t been for Adora’s endless yapping back at the Northern Reach.” It took a few seconds for her to realize that everyone else in the room was staring at her in confusion or shock. In Adora’s case, it was a little bit of both.

“What? I told you that she needed help.” 

“Yeah,” Glimmer snapped, “but you never told us how you knew any of this in the first place!” 

“I don’t remember it.” This was the first time Adora had spoken up during their meeting and she looked directly at Catra. “The Northern Reach….She-Ra getting sick...I can remember trying to stop you and then I woke up in Bright Moon.” 

It was silent for a moment as Catra tried to figure out what she would say next. She didn’t feel right about disclosing all of what Adora had told her. That’s why she never mentioned any of it to the girl’s friends in the first place.

“Adora was...really out of it when Scorpia brought her back to the Reach’s base,” Catra said and looked straight ahead to the queen while she avoided her ex-friend’s gaze. “She was all over the place, wouldn’t shut up, and being really fucking annoying about it too. Eventually, I sent Scorpia and Entrapta to deal with Sparkles and Adora started rambling about having trouble sleeping or having nightmares when she sleeps. I asked her about it and...well.” 

“Well what?” 

It was hard to tell whether Adora was mad at Catra for revealing this information or mad at herself that she told anyone about this in the first place. There was a pause as the girls stared at each other for a second, like Catra was trying to tell Adora what had happened without revealing it to everyone else. 

“You told me about one of the nightmares you’d been having. That you walked in and saw me with Shadow Weaver being...being a bitch and then when you tried to stand up to her,” Catra stopped and looked down at her claws. She tried to push back the images in her head. One hand reached up slowly to her own lips to see if she could open her mouth, in case somehow her caretaker’s magic could shut her up again at any moment. 

“It’s okay Catra.” Once again, Adora’s voice was the only sound on Etheria that could pull her out of those darker thoughts. 

“No,” Catra shook her head and sat back in the chair. “As soon as you finished talking I knew exactly what happened. I got back to the Fright Zone and she admitted it. There were no excuses or trying to hide anything. In fact, she was surprised it took us this long to figure it out.”

“It makes sense. Why didn’t I think of that?” 

Castaspella’s words grabbed the attention of everyone in the room. They all quickly tore their gaze away from the angry feline to turn to the woman now standing with the spell book open to her as it flipped through a few more pages. Her own eyes lifted from the book for a second and then she quickly waved the book back onto the table. 

“What I meant is that it would make sense for Adora to be experiencing these memories in her dreams or even being able to talk about it when She-Ra has been manipulated. The sword and the powers that come with She-Ra could have been weakening this magic the entire time that you’ve been able to connect with the princess of power. In fact, that may be the key to this whole-”

“We are not infecting Adora again,” Glimmer yelled and teleported to stand at Adora’s side. One hand laid defensively on Adora’s shoulder and Catra watched the blonde’s jaw clench for a second. “Tell her, mom!” 

“The disk is broken,” Catra said and looked back at the sorcerer. “I made sure of that and you won’t be able to use it.” 

“Girls.” Castaspella held her hands up, trying to show she meant no harm. “No one is planning to infect Adora. I was trying to say that if she can experience these memories while she’s sleeping then that might make it easier for us to break down the barriers safely. A potion could be made so that Adora sleeps through the entire process and we’ll have healers to monitor her while we break down the magic holding back her memories. We might have her transform into She-Ra beforehand just to be safe. Her own magic has clearly worn away at some of those shields already.”

“It hurts,” Catra warned. “Even just one. I could feel something shatter in my head and then I’m just laying there reliving some stupid day. I was awake though. Shadow Weaver said that it could drive someone mad to break down too many at a time. What if you’re wrong?” 

“I’ll talk to the guild and see what they have to say.”

“It doesn’t matter.” 

Adora stood up and smiled as she looked around at everyone. They all watched as she pulled her ponytail tighter and took a deep breath. 

“I never said anything at the beginning of this meeting because I know how much you all want to help,” Adora’s eyes flickered over to meet Catra’s for a second before looking back at Angella and Casta. “I don’t want to do this. It just doesn’t make sense to do it right now and there’s too much at stake. Bright Moon can’t afford to have to sideline She-Ra while I recover and if I were to lose her…I can’t allow that to happen.” 

“Adora..”

“Queen Angella,” the blonde stopped her. “Your majesty, I promised I would fight for Bright Moon and She-Ra’s purpose is to defend and protect the planet. There’s too much at risk for us right now to take a break. I won’t risk the lives of Etherians just so I can remember a few things from my past. It’s not worth it.” 

It wasn’t worth it. Catra’s attempt to finally be the one to save her friend and get them both out of danger wasn’t worth remembering, at least not to Adora. No, clearly her time was better spent playing dress up in some stupid little get up and throwing a sword around. It was like Adora was leaving her all over again. The only thing different this time was that Adora truly had no idea what she was leaving behind. Catra would never tell Adora, but she knew she should have left with her from the beginning. She would spend nights staring up at the ceiling in her private quarters trying to imagine what her life would have been like if she had taken that hand and let it lead her to Bright Moon. In the back of her mind, a small voice still told her that she would never have fit in and reminded her that Adora had only asked her as an afterthought. Now, once again, Adora was full force ahead with her latest mission and things that were in the way would just get pushed off to the side. Etheria was more important than Catra would ever be. 

“I didn’t realize you were that stupid.” The words were out before Catra could even think to stop them. “I mean I knew, but I had no idea it was this bad.” 

“Catra that’s enough,” Glimmer snapped trying to move Adora and shield her from Catra’s verbal abuse.

“So now Sparkles speaks for you Adora? Did you even make the decision not to go through with this on your own? Or did Shimmers decide it was too risky for her favorite tiara wearing idiot? I knew you ran away to find yourself a new commander, but no one believed me. At least these people have the decency to let you know ahead of time when they’re about to mess with your head.”

“And we’re just supposed to trust that you know all about this,” Adora finally cut in and walked up to the brunette. “The only reason you know about any of this is because you infected me. Besides that, what could you possibly know about those memories?”

“Oh Adora. I remember a hell of a lot more than you do now.” 

She immediately regretted those words and she’d probably have to answer for them later, but in the moment spitting those insults out at the blonde in front of her helped to clear Catra’s vision a bit. There was that familiar tug in her brain telling her that she was hurt and that she needed to hurt something….someone just to ease it. It was the only way to make sure that she wouldn’t get hurt again. She could feel her claws pressing into her palms as she clenched her fists, but it wasn’t enough to make the rage go away. 

“Why don’t you just tell us the truth? Scared you might not like what you see? Maybe you’ll realize you weren’t as strong as a certain person led you on to believe.”

“That’s enough.” The queen’s voice distracted them both and Glimmer was cutting in immediately to pull Adora away. 

“Come on Adora.” Glimmer tried to coax her past Catra and to the door. “We’ll go find Bow and-”

“No...no I need to be alone.” For a second, Adora turned back to look at Catra only to find the feline sitting back down with her back to both of the Rebellion members. And with that, Adora turned and began running out of her second meeting of the day, but this time with Glimmer chasing after her.

Catra watched in silence as Castaspella and Angella tried to figure out what they had just witnessed. To be honest, she would have left but she didn’t know where exactly she was supposed to go. So she sat and watched as Castaspella closed up the book and placed it on a shelf behind the table. 

“Well that...that could not have gone any worse,” Queen Angella finally muttered as she began to make her way to the doors.

“What did you expect,” Catra snapped, “You’re the one that let me in, Your Majesty. I only make things worse.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HOPE YOU LIKED IT!!!!! 
> 
> Remember that the comments and kudos keep me alive and help me to thrive!
> 
> Comments, questions, and constructive criticism but be kind because I will cry.


	9. Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Best Friend Squad Sleepover!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! I'm pushing this chapter out a little earlier than I thought because I'm going home for the weekend and my parents let me know that their wifi is not currently working.....fun. Anyways this chapter is probably one of the first chapters that I came up with after I decided to turn this one-shot into a full fledged story. This chapter was also a bit difficult and also cathartic to write because I really thought about my own experiences with panic attacks and nightmares while I was writing this. That's always fun to relive! 
> 
> I want to say thank you again to everyone who's leaving kudos and comments. Especially those repeat commenters you guys are awesome I see you and I love you! The comments are absolute gold for me and I love seeing other people enjoy my writing. Definitely didn't think this would become such a big deal for me.
> 
> Warnings: There's a few curse words, mentions of physical/emotional abuse, implied self harm and working through a panic attack.

“What on Etheria possessed you into thinking that was a good idea? Did you even ask how Adora would feel about it?”

“We didn’t have a lot of time to really discuss it Bow! Besides, I figured that would be the best possible choice because then we’ll be right here to listen for her in case she tries to sneak around looking for Rebellion secrets.”

“Yeah, except you put her so close that she can probably hear everything you just said,” Adora cut in, stepping out of her personal bathroom to face her friends. “Bow, I appreciate it, but I really don’t mind. Glimmer was just trying to make a quick decision and I don’t mind her being so close again.” Her gaze cut over to the door next to her small desk that led into the adjacent guest room and watched the bottom edge in case Catra was standing there. Did she want Catra to come in after everything that was said? 

“All I’m saying is that maybe after everything that happened in the meeting, Adora and Catra could use a little bit of space.” 

It hadn’t taken Bow and Glimmer very long to find Adora after she ran out of the meeting. They found her in the training yards trying to clean up the last few remaining shards of ice and large vines left over from her session with members of the Alliance. She always forgot just how powerful Perfuma and Frosta really were. After Adora had managed to slice her hand trying to pull out a vine with thorns, the other members of the Best Friend Squad got her to sit down and let them bandage her up. There was an excessive amount of bandage wrapped around her hand, empty threats from Glimmer as she explained what happened in the meeting to their friend, and a few times where Bow looked like he was ready to cry. This all concluded in her friends deciding that a Best Friend Squad sleepover was needed and tonight it was in Adora’s room. She tried to be appreciative of all their support, but deep down she just felt embarrassed. Who else needed their two best friends to sleep in their room just so they could sleep through the night without waking up from nightmares they couldn’t remember? 

“It’s fine,” Adora murmured, she tossed aside her dirty workout clothes that she had changed out of and smiled at her friends. “I’m fine.”

There were a few minutes of awkward silence as Bow and Glimmer set up their cots on either side of Adora’s bed. The blonde pulled all of the extra blankets and pillows out of the closet knowing full well that the cots wouldn’t be soft enough for either of them to sleep comfortably. It was clear from Glimmer’s sighs and lip biting that there was something she wanted to say, but Adora wasn’t going to be the one to ask. She had something else on her mind.

“Do you think I should take some of these to-”

“Why didn’t you tell us,” Glimmer finally shouted. Adora could feel herself tense up for a second. “Why is it that Catra, of all people, knew that you’re having nightmares about these memories and we didn’t?”

“It’s not like I had any control over it.” Adora tossed the blankets and pillows on the cots and sat down on her bed. She scooted back towards the wall and pulled her legs in close to make room for her friends. It was too overwhelming to try and look them in the eyes when they both looked at her with so much pity, so she found herself looking down at her lap. 

“I don’t remember telling her,” Adora finally said. “I don’t know what I said to her and...that dream that she said I told her about, I don’t remember any of that. None of it sounded familiar. But the way Catra talked about it...I knew she was telling the truth. Do you have any idea what that’s like?”

“Adora,” Bow cut in and reached out for her hand. “Is it true? Have you been having nightmares again? You told us those stopped after our trip to Mystacor when you battled….her.” 

The blonde let out a groan and quickly grabbed her pillow to hide her face. She knew that Bow meant well and that she should have been able to trust her friends with this, but there was so much that even she didn’t know. They wouldn’t understand. 

“Is that a yes?” The bed sank slightly as Glimmer moved to sit closer to her friends. 

“I don’t know,” Adora whined and tossed the pillow off the bed. “That’s why I never said anything. It’s like...I wake up suddenly and there’s just this pain stabbing through my head and it hurts so bad. I’ll sit here, wait for it to go away, and then I realize that I’m shaking and I’m sweating. But there’s nothing there and I have no idea what’s happened.” 

Still refusing to look them in the eyes, Adora looked down at her hands now working furiously to pinch the pads of one set of fingers with the other hand. Just something to feel so she could tear herself away from all the thoughts and questions in her head. She was so focused on watching her fingers that she didn’t notice Bow reaching in for a hug until she felt him move in and gently wrap his arms around her. 

“I’m so sorry,” he said, “That sounds like it must be really scary, especially if it’s happening often.” Not wanting to take too long in case she felt overwhelmed, Bow leaned back and placed a hand on Glimmer’s shoulder. “Adora, we’re here for you. I know that the...Horde wasn’t big on talking about this sort of thing, but we don’t want you to feel like you have to hide it.”

“We’re just worried about you Adora.” 

Deep down, Adora knew that Glimmer meant well with those words, but they only confirmed Adora’s fears. They were worried and they didn’t think she was doing well. Did they think she was strong enough to handle She-Ra? To help them save the world?

“I’ll be okay,” Adora said, “I promise. I just think we should wait before we go searching through my head again.” 

Clearly, that wasn’t the answer Glimmer and Bow had been hoping for, but they didn’t try to argue about it and Adora was grateful for that. After another squad hug, the three of them went off in search of some desserts to bring back to Adora’s room. The blonde had insisted on knocking on the door that connected Adora and Catra’s rooms, but there was no answer. Maybe she was already asleep. Or maybe she just didn’t want to be around Adora anymore. Finally, empty plates sat stacked on top of a dresser and each of them laid on their own bed. Only two were asleep. Adora sat up quietly to look back at the adjacent door, saw no light coming in from under the door, and then saw the sleeping faces of her friends as the light from the night moon slipped in through her windows. There was a part of her that felt a little more at peace knowing that people she cared for were close by. Finally, Adora felt like she could lay back and sleep 

____________________________________________________________

Seven year old Adora hears a yowl of pain and a fresh wave of silent tears start to make their way down her cheeks. She’s hiding in the corner of the hallway that heads down to the quarters for the younger initiates. There’s a final glowing red light and a snap that follows, a few seconds later a blur of brown hair flees past her and down the hall. 

“Catra wait,” Adora yells and fumbles around as she tries to quickly push herself up off the ground. It’s hard to see the hallway in front of her while trying to hold back tears.

“Now what are we doing out here? I believe I gave you very clear directions.”

The chill that runs up Adora’s spine lingers as she turns slowly to look up at her caretaker. It only takes a couple seconds of Shadow Weaver staring down at her before Adora bursts into tears. 

“You promised,” she cries, “you said if I left that you were just going to talk to her! You hurt my friend!” The small child tries to quickly turn around to go run after Catra, but is pulled back roughly to meet the gaze of her guardian by a hand pulling on her wrist. 

“Adora, I believe you might want to try explaining that again.” 

“You said...you said that if I walked away that you were just going to talk to her. You promised! I didn’t want her to get hurt.” The laughter that followed was what scared Adora the most. 

“Oh Adora. It’s so easy for us to hear only what we want to. I believe I told you that if you were to return to your quarters and go back to bed that everything would be fine. Now what did we-”

“You hurt her!”

“THAT’S ENOUGH.”

The volume and the sharp tug on her arm bring Adora back into what’s happening. Why is Shadow Weaver yelling at her like this? Wasn’t she the one who told Adora that it was her job to take care of her friends?

“As I was saying,” Shadow Weaver’s annoyance with the girl is obvious. “When I found the two of you meandering about the cafeteria, I told you that you were to go straight back to your quarters so that I would have a few minutes to talk with Catra. Obviously, someone decided to make their own rules.” 

Adora stands there almost too shocked to say anything. Was that really what Shadow Weaver told her? She can’t remember anything besides the pleading look in Catra’s eyes and the way her claws dug in slightly when she gripped her best friend’s hand. 

“No,” the blonde says, “I wanted to wait. She was scared and...and she was screaming.” Adora looks down at her caretaker’s bony hand wrapped tightly around her wrist, too embarrassed to be caught with new tears sliding down her face. 

“So I gave you a promise and then you went out of your way to disobey a direct order. Adora, my dear, what happens to soldiers who don’t follow orders?” 

“They get in trouble…” 

That’s when the realization hits her. It’s all Adora’s fault. Catra wasn’t hurt because they had been trying to get extra ration bars for Kyle, but she was hurt because Adora had tried to fight back. Her chest tightens up and soon it feels like her whole body is shaking. 

“I’m sorry! Please don’t do it again. It was my fault, it should have been me!” She wails and is soon so busy trying to catch her breath that she can’t speak. The hand that had held a firm grip on her wrist has let go and is now making its way to rest gently against Adora’s cheek. Shadow Weaver’s skin always felt a bit cold and prickly to the touch, but it’s the only thing she feels sure of as the rest of the world around her seems to start drifting away. For a second, her whole body feels hot and then it’s over just as quickly.

“We’ll have to do better next time, my child.”

____________________________________________________

“Adora!”

“Come on Adora, you need to wake up!” 

It was the tight grip on her arms that finally pulled Adora out of her dream and forced her to open her eyes. Bow sat over her with a panicked look on his face and Adora could just make out Glimmer looking over his shoulder at her. Her chest still felt tight and the pain in her head didn’t feel like it would go away anytime soon. Strong arms helped to gently pull her up into a seated position and the blonde kept a firm grip on the blanket laying on top of her. 

“Are you okay?” Bow had made room for Glimmer on the bed and now it was impossible to avoid their questions. 

“I...I think so,” Adora lied quickly and pulled more of the blanket up as she pulled her legs into her chest. 

“What happened? You started crying and throwing your hands around. We thought you were fine after a few minutes but then...then you just started screaming.” Adora didn’t remember any screaming. Then again, she didn’t even remember what it was that had caused her to do any of those things. Her mind drew a blank and if she tried to push it too far all she could picture was a flash of red. That always caused her headache to feel worse so she didn’t try too hard.

“I’m sorry,” Adora said and stared down at her hands. “I told you I haven’t been sleeping well lately. It’s fine though...let’s just get back to sleep.”

“Adora,” Glimmer squealed and grabbed Adora’s hand in her own. “We can’t just pretend like nothing happened. That was terrifying! You sounded like someone was torturing you! Right Bow?”

“Well, I don’t know about all that,” Bow tried to smile at Adora. He was always trying to make her feel better. “But you definitely sounded like you were scared.”

“I said I was sorry. Can we just let it go please?” It was all just too much. The pain still throbbing through her skull, the sad worried look in Bow’s eyes, and the way that Glimmer very clearly did not want to let this go. Adora just wanted to disappear. 

“We can’t just pretend like nothing happened!” Glimmer was appalled that it was even an idea in Adora’s mind. “This is what Catra was talking about isn’t it? This dream thing that you told her about! Was it the same dream? Adora you’ve got to tell us. We can let Aunt Casta know and I’m sure that they’ll come up with a plan and then…” 

She just wouldn’t stop. Adora knew that the princess meant well, but there were no answers that she could give that would satisfy all those questions. Glimmer probably knew more about this than she did. In fact, everyone seemed to know more about this than Adora did. That thought and the continuing sound of Glimmer’s rant only made everything worse. 

The edges of her vision were getting blurry and the headache had started to throb. Soon all she could hear was her own frantic heartbeat and Glimmer’s question playing over and over again. Do you remember? Do you remember? DO YOU REMEMBER? 

“I don’t know,” Adora’s hands rushed up to slap her forehead. “I don’t know. I JUST DON’T KNOW!!” Her hands came up everytime she yelled until at last her fingers curled around strands of her hair and started to pull. There was just too much to think about. Everyone was scared for her and maybe even scared of her. She was letting them all down. If she could just get it all to stop, for just a second, maybe she could fix the mess she had made.

“Adora please-”

“No, Adora! You have to stop this.” She felt firm fingers slipping in under her own to pry loose the hair that she was trying to pull out of her scalp. Bow and Glimmer had stopped speaking and now the only sound was Adora’s frantic gasping for breath.

“I can’t,” the blonde muttered and shook her head violently before looking down to see Bow’s hands holding a firm grip on her own. “I’m just letting you all down. I wanted to help and I-I’m making things worse.” 

“That’s not true,” Glimmer said, “We need you Adora.” She sat down next to her friend, smiled, and reached out to brush a few sweaty strands of hair away from Adora’s cheek.

“We’re here to help you.”

She had heard those words before. That she was needed, that someone wanted to help her, or that she just needed to think about how much good she could do for her cause. Adora’s breathing became shallow and panicked as her body went numb. The tunnel vision that she had experienced earlier came back and now she could barely even make out anything except fuzzy outlines of furniture and her friends sitting near her. The hand brushing her hair back now only appeared to be a familiar red glow making its way up the side of Adora’s face. Her brain was yelling at her to run, but she couldn’t even feel her own legs let alone command them to move. Instead, she sat there frozen in place and whimpering as her hands began to grip and tear at the blanket laying in her lap. 

“Adora….Adora come back to us.” 

Something in the very back of her mind begged her not to trust that voice. Surely, it was hiding something.

“You’re safe, Adora.” 

Another hand gently pressed up against the other side of her face. Somewhere off in the distance, Adora could swear she heard her own voice let out a moan like she was begging for her life. It felt familiar somehow. 

“Bow, she’s not moving. I’m not even sure if she’s breathing!”

“Glimmer, you need to go get your mom and aunt now. They’ll know what to do.” 

“No. Both of you idiots get out of my way.”

That voice. Adora recognized that voice and the shadowy outline of someone hopping up onto the bed to face her where her body sat up against several pillows. The hands on either side of her face had disappeared and the two figures that had been on the side of the bed had vanished from her line of sight. It was just quiet enough in her head now for Adora’s ears to pick up the raspy sound of her own attempts to breathe. 

“Come on Adora. You don’t get to wake me up like this and then just sit there with nothing to say. It’s rude.” 

The words had come out in a softer and lower voice than the blonde had anticipated. For a second, her brain broke away from the panic and screaming in her mind to try and focus on this new mystery in front of her. A gentle hand reached out for her own, instead of her face, and placed it on the person’s chest. 

“I need you to breathe okay? Focus on your hand and feel it moving up and down with my breath. You need to do the same thing, got it? And we’re breathing in…..and now out. Do it again. In…...and out. Okay, that’s better. Keep your hand right there and keep breathing.” 

There was a moment of silence as Adora’s head nodded in understanding of the command. While her chest still felt tight, her heartbeat was beginning to slow down and feeling was slowly coming back to her hands and her arms. 

“Adora, am I allowed to touch your arms and your shoulders?” 

It took a few seconds, but eventually Adora’s head bobbed up and down in agreement. She didn’t feel quite ready for words yet. Eventually, the blonde felt five small points on each shoulder and gently those points seemed to drag down from her shoulders, down her arms, and came to a stop at the tops of her hands. It wasn’t painful and not enough to cause any damage, but the sensation of it left goosebumps up and down both arms. Adora’s eyes closed as that feeling of light scratching moved back up to her shoulders and then again down to her hands a few more times. It took a little while longer, but eventually Adora could feel her lungs take in deeper breaths and her eyes fluttered open to a clear vision of the room around her and the person in front of her. 

“Catra?” Ears flicked upward at the sound and a pair of blue and golden eyes stared into her own. 

“And she speaks,” Catra smirked and dropped her hands from her friend’s shoulders. When her legs flipped around to the edge of the bed to stand up, Adora panicked and tried to move quickly with her. 

“Uh where do you think you’re going?” Catra turned back and immediately placed a hand on the girl’s shoulder, gently pressing her back down to the bed. “You’ve got to be exhausted right now or you will be in a second once it finally hits you. Don’t even bother lying your way out of this one. Arrow and Sparkles are going to be coming back with some water and your ass is staying in this bed.” 

Adora didn’t have the energy to argue, but she got scared when she noticed Catra moving to get up again. She quickly leaned forward, grabbed Catra’s hand, and was relieved to see that it made the brunette stop. Catra slowly turned to look at their intertwined hands and then back at Adora. 

“Please,” Adora muttered. The girl wouldn’t have been able to explain exactly what it was that she wanted, but she knew that she didn’t want Catra to leave. Quickly, Adora wondered if she had done the wrong thing and let go of her friend’s hand. Maybe Catra didn’t want to stay, instead maybe she really did want to go back to her own bed. 

“Hey,” Catra’s voice broke through the haze of thoughts once more. “I’m just going to let your friends know you’re okay. I’ll be right back.” 

Adora laid back on the bed as she watched Catra walk over to her bedroom door and peer just outside. She couldn’t help the smile that slipped through when she noticed Catra’s tail flicking a couple times at the door. 

“She’ll be okay. And she’ll probably feel less shitty in the morning if she sees that you two are still in here for your sleepover or whatever this was supposed to be.”

There were a few more mumbles in response, but Adora was too tired to try and focus on what was being said. Catra was right, all of the energy that her body had pushed into this ordeal was gone and Adora felt like maybe now she’d be too tired to dream again. 

She was half asleep when she felt the bed shift down near the bottom edge and a familiar weight press down on her legs and feet. How long had it been since they had slept like this? It suddenly clicked in her mind that maybe Catra missed this too. So much had changed so quickly and it wasn’t like Adora had given her much choice in the matter. Also, ever since Bow had woken her up from that dream something in the back of her mind just kept telling her it was all her fault, now if only she knew what it was she had done wrong. It was enough to cause her breathing to become shallow once more and for her hands to stretch out looking for comfort. 

“Catra?” 

She heard a frustrated sigh and then the weight that had pressed her legs down into the mattress was gone. It didn’t take long for the feline to shuffle up the bed to where Adora’s head laid on the pillow.

“Adora, do you know what sleep means?” In her own way, Adora knew that Catra was concerned, but it would be best if she kept that information to herself. Everyone had already spent so much time worrying and fussing over her, there was no need to complicate the matter even further. 

“I-I just wanted to..” Adora stopped. Catra had turned her body to curl into Adora’s and rest her head on the blonde’s chest. Soon the softest rumble could be heard coming from the feline. No doubt she was doing it in an attempt to get Adora to shut up and rest. 

“I’m sorry,” Adora blurted out. There was the sound of awkward shuffles on the two cots on either side of Adora’s bed and the purrs had stopped immediately. 

“Adora,” Catra said, “what are you sorry for?” 

There were only a few seconds before a few silent tears fell down Adora’s cheeks to the edges of her pillow. It was hopeless.

“I don’t know,” she whispered and felt Catra shuffle in closer. “I just don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If you ever get on tumblr and wanna share stories or discuss fanfiction the account that I've been using most of the time mag-uhh-lin
> 
> Remember! Comments and kudos have really helped pull me through and kept me writing!
> 
> Constructive criticism is always welcome, but please be kind or I will cry :)


	10. Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra and Adora finally get a freaking moment to talk. This only happens after Catra has a small run-in with the queen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry! This post is not happening according to my dream schedule that I set for myself and the guilt is eating me alive. In my defense though, the end of the first quarter with grades and parent/teacher conferences really screwed me over. This chapter made me a bit nervous as I wrote it. It was defintely heavier on the what makes Adora and Catra tick side of the story and I'm just hoping I didn't screw it up. 
> 
> I also want to say thank you because my last chapter got a HUGE amount of comments (we hit 100 hundred comments what???) even when I was feeling bad about not being "on schedule" I was definitely going through and reading those comments so just again thank you my friends. Stay tuned at the end for a small surprise!
> 
> Warnings: Cursing, discussions of past childhood abuse and trauma, implied self harm.

Gods this place was so damn bright. Catra decided to add that to her growing list of why she hated Bright Moon. Too many people, too bright, and probably something else when she could actually think about it. 

Those last few warm, peaceful moments curled up under the softest blanket the feline had ever laid under were cut short by a realization. She had nudged her head up and over into her own little corner of warmth when she opened her eyes to a mass of blonde hair. Adora’s hair...in Adora’s bed. Catra’s gut reaction told her to get out, throw herself out of the bed, and find some place to hide until she forgot this ever happened. However, she stopped herself from doing that when she also realized that the sun had just risen and Adora was still asleep. 

Catra could count on one hand the number of times that Adora’s brain allowed her to sleep in past sunrise and it always meant the same thing every time. Whether it was after an important weapons exam, or after a crucial battle simulation, Adora only slept in like this when she was practically dead on her feet. Catra remembered when she had first walked into that meeting yesterday and couldn’t help but feel a little smug in knowing she was clearly the only person who realized just how tired Adora really was. Was she wrong to feel this way? Clearly, her shiny new friends didn’t know her as well as Catra did, but that also meant that Adora was getting away with not taking care of herself. Adora had probably saved all of their asses multiple times over and now here she was. In fact, they weren’t even here now. The brunette looked down at the two empty cots lying on either side of Adora’s bed.

“Some friends huh,” Catra muttered. 

It wasn’t easy, but Catra eventually managed to slide off the bed without waking up Adora. The last thing she wanted was for Adora’s bright blue eyes to even glance in her general direction. Just the idea of that stupid smile on her face and the hug that would have surely followed after only made Catra walk that much faster to the bedroom door that led out to the hallway. She stopped though, when she got to the door and looked back. With her unique hearing, Catra could still make out the slow deep breaths that the sleeping figure on the bed was making. She didn’t want Adora to wake up with her there, but she didn’t want her to wake up alone either. Surely, Catra wasn’t that cruel. Was she? 

“I’ll be right back,” Catra said. She knew she said it too low for Adora’s ears to pick up, but somehow she felt a little bit better. 

Two guards were posted in the hallway across from Adora’s bedroom door. When Catra walked out, she couldn’t help but smirk at how wide their eyes went before trying to hide their shock from the ex-horde member. This could be fun.

“The princess is going to need a little bit more time to sleep in,” Catra smirked and held up one hand with her claws out. “She had a bit of a rough night, if you know what I mean.” Technically, everything she said was true. The way the guards blushed as she stared them down was enough to keep pushing her on. “Now who’s going to show me where the food is around here? Or do I need to wake her up?” It took only a few seconds before both guards offered to lead a laughing Catra down towards the dining room.   
___________________________________________________

This was so unbelievably stupid. Catra stood in the empty dining hall staring down at the variety of breakfast foods the Bright Moon chefs had laid out. One hand was frozen in place reaching out towards a large selection of fruits, her other hand was gripping tightly to her leg with claws out just beginning to pierce through the tough fabric of her pants. She had been completely fine trying to stuff some of the food into her pockets and now...now she couldn’t even get her eyes to focus on the plates in front of her. All she had tried to do was pick out something that Adora would eat and then it just sort of hit her. What the hell was she doing? What was her goal in all of this? Once again, she had thrown away her hard work and her successes for fucking Adora.

It was a combination of fear, anger, and too many thoughts that kept her frozen in place. After all this time, Catra was embarrassed that Adora still had the ability to do this to her. She could still feel that burning sensation in her chest when the blonde had refused to listen to her and was clearly so determined to abandon their promise and everything they had grown up with. The way it felt when she swore something in her cracked at the realization that new friends and a shiny new toy were all it took for Adora to leave, but watching Catra come back to their bunk bed in tears every now and then just wasn’t enough. It was like two versions of herself were battling it out in her mind. One was raging, screaming and demanding for Catra to not let herself be fooled by the pretty surroundings. It kept trying to remind her that once this was over and Adora had come back to her senses, no one would need her around anymore. They would use the damage she’d caused for so long as a reason to toss her in a real prison and throw away the key like she deserved. The other side was screaming for help. It begged Catra to just make it all stop. She had spent so much time building up walls and just focusing on surviving day-to-day. What was she supposed to do now?

“Catra, I’m so sorry I didn’t know anyone would be in here.” As if this could be any worse, now the queen was here to see her fall apart. A quick prick of pain on her leg and she was able to compose herself enough to slowly turn around to face Angella. 

“Adora’s still asleep,” Catra mumbled and started walking over to the coffee makers. “I was just going to grab something and go back to my room.” She refused to acknowledge Angella as she walked closer to Catra and the tables.

“Why don’t I have them deliver some up to her room then? We can bring Adora coffee and in a few minutes you’ll have breakfast delivered to her door.”

Catra didn’t try to argue as she watched the woman wave down a kitchen worker and begin pointing out a few of the different plates and mumbling something to the staff member. She only flinched a tad when Queen Angella laughed openly about something that the stranger had said and waved off to the man as he walked away. Somehow, she also managed not to scowl at the woman as she turned back to Catra and offered to walk with her back to Adora’s room. In fact, when Angella explained that she wanted to get to know the feline better, Catra kept it cool. It wasn’t like she hadn’t already seen this coming a mile away.

The walk back was mostly quiet. Occasionally, a guard would say good morning to the queen as they acknowledged her presence and more than few had let out a small gasp when they saw Catra accompanying Angella for her walk. The noise would cause her ears to stand up at attention and the fur on her tail would bristle every time. It was enough to make Catra regret even leaving Adora’s room in the first place, but at the same time she was slightly grateful she didn’t have to wander the halls looking for her bedroom. 

“I just wanted to -” Angella tried to cut through the awkward silence as they stopped a couple doors down from Adora’s. 

“I get it,” Catra interrupted and went to grab the coffee mug that Angella had been holding for her. “I’ll give this to Adora and be out. As soon as Adora gets back her memories I’ll be leaving Bright Moon and whatever I have to say or do to prove I won’t go running back to the Fright Zone, just consider it done. I just....just can’t stay here.” 

The queen didn’t look angry. There was no sneer of disgust and the usual darkness that would surround Catra never came. The Horde had prepared her though and those blue and golden eyes were already looking for an exit, a place to hide. She knew that she was quick enough that no one here could catch her, but the woman in front of her didn’t have the same tells as Shadow Weaver. It didn’t matter though, her time was up. 

“I understand,” Angella said quietly, and her hands clasped behind her back. The movement didn’t go unnoticed and Catra immediately took a few steps backwards, eyeing a large window that she knew wouldn’t be too difficult of a jump. 

“My apologies,” Angella moved her hands back around slowly and held them down at her side. The small smile that she gave Catra confused the brunette to no end. “It was one of the first things I learned to do for Adora and I should have known. It won’t happen again.”

What was happening? Catra shifted uncomfortably and nodded at the queen. 

“What I was going to say though was that I wanted to thank you for helping Adora last night. Glimmer came and told me everything. She feels like she only made things worse.” 

“She didn’t know about the hands,” Catra muttered. Angella stayed silent in hopes that the girl would continue. 

“It wasn’t completely her fault,” Catra said, “and Adora probably doesn’t even know why she got scared. It was the hand movement. I saw Shadow Weaver do it once. She placed her hand on the side of Adora’s head...on her cheek. Her shadows slipped right into her ear and then Adora was out. It was probably just the pain of it that she remembered.” 

“Then we’re lucky you’re here to help.” 

“You don’t need to lie to me.” 

Catra tried her best not to let a growl slip, but it didn’t work. Angella kept up the same unreadable face she had had since they stopped walking. Her eyebrows did raise a bit at Catra’s reaction and it was then that Catra figured it out. The queen wasn’t angry or disappointed. No, she just looked sad. She pitied Catra and that only made the feline angrier.

“Catra,” Angella started, “I won’t pretend that I don’t know what you have done to Etheria. I was there protecting the Moonstone from the armies that you were commanding and I’ve seen countless lives destroyed and torn apart by the Horde over the years.”

Images of that particular battle played out in the feline’s mind. Her claws swinging through the air, aimed at a ridiculous looking tiara. She could still feel the way that the fabric of She-ra’s outfit tore against her claws when they made contact with Adora’s back. Then there was the numbing sensation in her chest as she watched Adora and her gang of princesses bring down a colorful wave of magic onto Catra and her army. Once again, Adora had proven how easy it was for her to replace and move on from her life with Catra.

“When Adora showed up, I thought my daughter had completely lost her mind.” Angella’s words caused the ex-captain to meet the queen’s eyes once more. “I let Glimmer vouch for her and decided to trust that she made the right choice. It wasn’t easy. Adora was scared when she got here-”

“She wasn’t scared,” Catra interrupted. “And of course Adora would come here. She found new people to worship the ground she walked on. The only difference was that being here she could say she really was helping people.” In the back of her mind, Catra reminded herself that Adora was so much better than she ever hoped to be. At everything.

“Is that what they told you?” 

“That’s the way it’s always been.” 

“And what about now,” Angella asked and took one slow step closer to Catra. “Out of the blue you leave everything behind just when something is going wrong with your friend. I don’t think Adora and the other Rebellion members caught on when you admitted that Shadow Weaver had taken a memory from you as well. Not only that, but I think you kept some of the details of Adora’s dream to yourself when you explained what you knew.” 

Catra was silent as she glared back at the queen. She was angry, but she wasn’t sure who the anger was directed at. 

“Whether it was for you or for someone else, you were the one who made the choice to come here and that’s the first step. I won’t ask you to do anything else that you don’t want to do, but I hope that you realize just how far you’ve already come.” 

Catra couldn’t look at her. She wasn’t sure if it was anger or embarrassment, but she kept her eyes cast down towards her feet as she stepped past Angella and went to open Adora’s bedroom door. Turning to adjust the coffee mugs in her hands, the sound of Angella walking away from her eased the tightening in her chest. Did everyone talk like that here? Maybe she needed to get out sooner than planned. 

Opening the door to Adora’s room seemed to ease some of the tension building up in Catra’s shoulders. Seeing the empty bed and no Adora though, that brought on a feeling that Catra wasn’t ready to name. She set down one of the coffee mugs on a dresser and quietly walked over towards the door that she knew would lead to her private quarters. Just as she reached for the door knob though she looked over to see Adora standing at her bathroom sink. The ex-Horde member had her back facing Catra. All of her hair had been gathered up and pushed off to one shoulder as she inspected the other side of her face in the mirror. From the way that one hand pushed more hair back and tried to tip her head up it was obvious what she was trying to do. Adora was looking at the marks that Shadow Weaver had left behind. Catra quickly tried to look anywhere else.

Seeing her room now in the daylight, Catra almost laughed at the familiar red jacket hanging from the door knob to the bathroom. Clearly, some things never changed. Although, the sleepwear Adora wore now was definitely different. The light blue sweatpants looked like something the purple haired princess probably loaned to her friend, but it was the shirt that got her attention. The grey tank top seemed to hang a little bit looser on Adora’s body than she remembered from last night. When she had finally decided to barge in, it was clinging to Adora’s skin from sweat. Right as she decided to make her presence known, rather than just standing there like an idiot, Adora’s arm reached around to pull her hair back once more and something caught Catra’s attention. 

“What the hell is that?” Catra didn’t seem to notice when Adora flinched and tried to spin around to look at who had come in. It wouldn’t have taken long for the blonde to figure out as Catra quickly walked up to her, set down her coffee, and gently pushed Adora’s hair forward and off her shoulders. 

“Catra,” Adora stammered and watched the girl in the mirror. “When did you get in here? I was going to go down to breakfast and get you something. I just didn’t-”

“Don’t bother,” Catra muttered, and gently ran one hand over a familiar looking mark that ran down Adora’s shoulder and down under her tank top. “Queenie saw me trying to bring up food after I slipped out of here earlier. She’s sent someone to bring us a tray or whatever.” 

“Slipped out?” Adora clearly hadn’t been awake long enough to start using her brain. 

“Yeah, I couldn’t exactly leave last night when we finally got you back to sleep. The chokehold you had on my neck was uncalled for.” Catra’s hand grazed gently over the other four surrounding scar lines and soon she found the matching set on the other shoulder.

“So you did stay,” Adora said, quietly. “I thought I was-”

“What the hell is this?” Catra pointed to the scars and met Adora’s eyes in the mirror. If she wasn’t already so frustrated from her conversation with the queen, the blue eyes that met her own probably would have calmed her down. 

“Catra, you don’t have to do this right now.” Adora looked down at the coffee mug and smiled. “You brought coffee? Did you bring one for me? I’m going to need it if we’re going to get anything done today.” She was clearly deflecting, but she was moving fast to get out to her bedroom and towards the mug sitting on the dresser. 

“Adora,” Catra hissed as she followed after her. Adora was already taking a sip from her own cup and quietly turned to face the brunette, pressing her back up against the dresser.

“You’re not doing anything today until you tell me why the hell THOSE are on your back when we both know that She-Ra can heal. That was literally the one thing that every Horde soldier was told about you before any battle.” Catra made a mental note to patch through a message to Scorpia with her badge. Someone would need to burn up that file. 

The silence was mind numbing. Adora just stood there, staring down into her mug with one foot tapping softly on the floor. That was something that Catra remembered being reserved for times they got poor marks on their simulation trainings.

“There was so much going on,” Adora started, “I couldn’t fight it all off by myself. I tried, but...there was too much. Sometimes She-Ra’s healing powers can get...weaker I guess? I made sure everyone was okay and then I just faded back before I could do anything. They’re not even that bad and they healed up fine.” 

Bright Moon. That was the only battle that Catra could think of that made sense. It had just been replaying in her mind. That moment, now playing in slow motion, where her claws sliced through the back of Adora’s ridiculous costume. All Catra had wanted to do in that moment was to tear her down and now she realized that she got her wish. 

“Tell me that I didn’t just hear you say that you decided to use your healing powers on everyone else but yourself.” Catra’s fists balled up at her side as she tried to stop herself from shaking the idiot standing in front of her. 

“Catra there were other people….soldiers who needed it way more than I did.” 

“And what makes them so special,” Catra hissed and watched as Adora slowly walked over to sit on her bed. With every step Adora made, she would stop and look up at Catra as if she was asking for permission. Really though, she was just trying to respect a circle of personal space around the feline. 

“That’s not fair,” Adora said, after she sat down. “We both know that the people of Etheria didn’t deserve any of this. 

“NEITHER DID I,” Catra yelled. Where did that come from? She paced back and forth with Adora’s eyes following her every move. 

“I know.” The words made Catra stop for a second. She wanted to look at Adora and tell her that she hadn’t deserved any of it either. 

“How would you know anything right now?”

“It was the right thing to do, Catra.” 

And there it was. Catra let out a low growl as her claws pulled gently at her hair. The pained look on the brunette’s face was quickly replaced with a scowl and her pacing started back up at a much faster pace. 

“Why are you like this? Aren’t you done yet? These idiots haven’t done anything for you! You know the truth now and you know what she did! To both of US! Is that what you tell yourself now? That it’s the right thing to do when you keep telling Sparkles that you won’t make time to take your own damn memories back.” She didn’t want to yell again, but gods Adora was infuriating. The very idea that Adora had turned her back on their promise to protect one another and choose the lives of these people over here was too much. 

“Catra,” Adora said. She was unbelievably calm about it too which only served to piss off Catra even more. “If I were to do all that...if I were to take all that time to play around with my head and deal with….gods know what. Who does that actually help Catra? Who benefits from bringing all of that back?” 

“You do Adora. You deserve to know what happened to you. You don’t deserve all of this pain anymore.” 

“I can handle it.” It’s the crack in Adora’s voice that forces Catra to move so that she can kneel in front of her friend. She takes the lukewarm mug out of Adora’s hands and looks back at her just in time to see a single tear slide down one cheek. That’s when it hits her. 

Adora doesn’t think of herself as a god. She’s not doing this so she can keep showing the Horde what they missed out on. Adora couldn’t give less of a shit about her own life if she tried and if Catra’s being honest with herself that scares her more than anything. She doesn’t have any more time to think about it before she notices that Adora has tensed up again.

“Make some room,” Catra said and soon she was up on the bed sitting next to Adora. She gently pulled the blonde’s hands into one of hers and with the other, she slowly tilted Adora’s head to look at her. 

“I’m going to tell you why you should do this okay?” With a small nod from Adora, Catra began explaining exactly what Adora had told her about at the Northern Reach. She told Adora everything, every detail that she had watched Adora cry about back in that basecamp. Adora never looked away once. When Catra told her how she had seen a younger version of Catra thrown against the wall of Shadow Weaver’s chambers, Adora’s grip on the brunette’s hands got tighter. That was the only one she shared though. Catra wasn’t ready to tell Adora that she had already failed to save her once before.

“It was true,” Catra said, watching as Adora stared back at her. “That’s how I knew something was wrong in the first place. I remember falling back to the floor and seeing you staring back at me. I ran out and I remember I went back and shredded up our pillows. Gods, I was so mad. I couldn’t figure out why I was the only one who was...you know. I thought that if you were there too, then why wasn’t it happening to both of us instead of just me.” As the words tumbled out, Catra could only feel disgust with herself. 

“You said Rogelio ate them,” Adora whispered and Catra couldn’t help the small smirk that formed. 

“He tried to bite my tail.”

They sat like that for a few more minutes. Both girls, hands clasped together and staring off at the bedroom door in front of them. Neither one said anything as they listened to the sounds of the castle around them. A couple times there were footsteps that went by as the Bright Moon guards switched out and at one point Glimmer and Bow could be heard laughing about something in the back gardens, but Adora’s room stayed silent. 

“I guess I really knew what was going on the whole time then huh.” Adora finally spoke up, but when Catra looked over she wouldn’t look back at her. “I think in some way I always knew. There was one time that I heard you...crying in the showers and I went to tell Shadow Weaver because I was worried about you. She just told me that I needed to be a better role model for you or she wasn’t sure how much longer you would last. Why could I stand up for you like that when I was little but I couldn’t do the same thing later?! Why am I not allowed to remember it?”

Catra held her as a new wave of tears started. Neither of them cried often, but here alone in this room, she knew that Adora probably felt safe enough to let it out. She could feel Adora’s arms slip around her waist and pull her in closer. The tighter Adora wrapped her arms around Catra, the more she buried her face in the crook of Catra’s neck. One of Catra’s hand came up to gently run her claws through loose blonde hair while the other hand drew soft circles on her back. She had wanted this for so long after Thaymor, for Adora to feel this pain and admit that she hadn’t protected Catra like she promised. It didn’t make her feel better though. A part of her wanted to agree with Adora and say that she should have tried to do something more as they got older, but Catra knew the truth. 

“That’s exactly why you can remember that one moment. If you had tried to do anything, then she would have taken it away from you and you’d never know.” Adora pushed herself back up to look at Catra and wiped the last couple of tears off her face. “That’s why you should do this. You deserve to know the truth and you deserve to know what she was really trying to do to you...to us.” 

Adora’s eyes seemed to glaze over as she stared out the window behind her bed. Catra was almost sure there for a moment that the girl was sleeping with her eyes opened, but then Adora nodded and looked back at Catra. 

“Okay,” she whispered. “I’ll do it, but I just have one thing to ask first.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I hope you like. We're getting to a point where I'm trying to decide what to do with the story. I had an ending in mind, but then I was like no that's probably too far fetched and unrealistic but then also....it's my story? I don't know but basically it's like how far do I wanna go? 
> 
> SURPRISE!!!!!!!! Ookami777 had commented on a chapter and had asked about making a piece based on the story and recently sent me the link to their artwork! I was absolutely blown away and it made my heart ache for these two! The link will be at the bottom if you'd like to see! 
> 
> Anyways I hope you liked it. Don't forget kudos and comments keep me alive and help me to thrive. As always, constructive criticsm is welcome but do not get mean or I will cry :)
> 
> https://64.media.tumblr.com/b0d853680ba2d0d9adcb43d0047dc6b7/671f37ba588b1ddc-c4/s2048x3072/e27ae47293ddc177ac3625bbedb5acc7434d18a1.png


	11. Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seems that Adora's finally found a way to make a decision that keeps everyone happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp.......my bad.   
> Things got soooooo crazy after I posted the last chapter. I got quarantined thanks to my job, things at my job started to get even crazier (I teach so I don't think I have to tell you what it's been like trying to do that in a pandemic), and there was just so much going on that I had to put this on the backburner for awhile. But I'm back with another chapter! Things will start to pick up a bit after this chapter so I really used this one just to get some interactions and conversations out in the open. As always here's some warnings.
> 
> Warnings: Mentions of implied self harm, small violence, and mentions of blood.

Adora asked Catra to stay. 

“Not permanently,” she quickly added when claws began to prick at the skin on the back of her hand. “Because...because I don’t want to force you to do anything.” 

She explained that she would go through with the procedure, turn into She-Ra, allow the sorcerers to use their magic, but that she wanted Catra there with her. 

“I know you said that she took one of your memories. Did she give it back?” Adora looked over at Catra and received a small nod in response. “You know what it’s like then...nobody else here does. I just…..I’d rather not do this alone.” 

Technically none of that was a lie, but Adora had kept out a small part of her explanation. She wasn’t even sure why she couldn’t get herself to say it. In truth, she never would have been left alone if it were just Bow and Glimmer by her side. Those two would be there until a healer or Castaspella had to kick them out. However, the idea of doing all of this and waking up without Catra was….well Adora couldn’t quite find the words and she didn’t feel like this was the right moment to try. She’d find time for that later.

It took several minutes of silent contemplation before Catra agreed not to leave for a couple more weeks. Not exactly what the blonde wanted to hear, but she would take whatever Catra was willing to give. She couldn’t allow herself to want any more than that.

Adora asked if they could go down to the throne room to explain it to Queen Angella together, but Catra muttered something about needing a nap. After everything that had just happened, Adora wasn’t going to put up a fight. So she found herself changing into her regular clothes and leaving the room alone, only mildly surprised by the two guards standing at attention in front of her. 

“She’s not to be disturbed, understood?” The blonde tried her best to sound authoritative and left before the guards had a chance to argue with her. 

It ended up not taking that long to find the other inhabitants of the castle. Thank goodness for that too. Every step that she had been taking down the halls of Bright Moon was just another step away from that private little bubble she’d had with Catra. Another step away from that strong feeling of confidence and being so sure in her choice. Adora recognized the sounds of voices coming from the War Room and soon found herself surrounded. 

“We were wondering if you would ever stop by,” Queen Angella smiled and waved at her daughter’s friend to sit down. “Castaspella and I were just discussing precautions that we can take that might be able to help you until you decide that it would be time to unlock those memories.” 

Adora tried to listen to the sorcerer. There was something about a powder that she’d need to keep on hand at all times. It was difficult to focus though, especially with Glimmer’s eyes staring into the side of her head. Maybe it had been a mistake to take the seat right next to the princess, but it was the one that Angella had waved to and that was as good as any direct order as far as Adora was concerned. 

“Actually,” Adora cut in and she could see Glimmer clench up a bit at her interruption. “I don’t think that will be necessary.” She could feel her face getting warmer as the other women in the room waited for her to continue. 

“I think, I-I mean..I’ve decided to go ahead with Castaspella’s plan now. That is, if it’s not too late which I totally understand if it is.” 

It took several reassurances from Angella and Glimmer’s aunt before they finally convinced the ex-Horde soldier that she wasn’t going to cause any problems by changing her mind. In fact, Castaspella admitted that she had already talked to the healers and had started making preparations. Better to be safe than sorry. Soon it was decided that Castaspella would send for two more of the council members from Mystacor to come to Bright Moon and then it would begin. When Castaspella said that it would only take a few days for the proper preparations to be made and have everything ready to go, Adora could feel the knot in her chest tighten just a bit more. 

“What about the Alliance,” Adora blurted out. “I’ll need time to set up communications, plans, and make sure that we’re covered in case of any attacks. That could take at least a week and that’s if we can alert everyone in time.” 

“Adora, you're not the only one who can help protect Etheria.” Glimmer’s voice broke through Adora’s clouded thoughts like a knife. If her friend was mad at her, the princess was hiding it behind her General of the Rebellion facade and her commanding voice that she only used to try and impress her mother. Glimmer stood up and soon the tabletop began to glow and Adora could see a familiar landscape laid out in front of them. Soon a few figures collected by the small version Bright Moon and quickly separated, floating over to land by small scale versions of Plumeria and Salineas. 

“I’ve already contacted Mermista and Perfuma earlier today to go ahead with plans for extra protections near the Sea Gate and where Plumeria shares sides with the Whispering Woods. We’ve also considered surrounding the old fort that the Horde had near Perfuma’s kingdom. She’s taking in a few of our extra guards as well as preparing her own people. We offered a few more to Plumeria than Salineas for obvious reasons. Mermista understands. Bow hasn’t been able to find any intel that there is an attack coming and so far we’ve yet to find any Horde soldiers attempting to get through the Whispering Woods. Well…..aside from the ex-force captain that is.” 

Adora’s gut twisted as she watched the holographic figures of Bright Moon soldiers divided into two teams and float over the map towards their designated targets. Plumeria would need extra help because Adora couldn’t protect them. This was Adora’s fault.

Angella seemed impressed by Glimmer’s words and leaned over to whisper something into Castaspella’s ear. There was no way to know what exactly she said, but whatever it was clearly made Casta happy. As the two women stood up, Adora quickly pushed her chair back to stand at attention and nod to them as they walked towards the door, but Angella stopped in the doorway and turned back to face the girls. 

“Adora, you’re absolutely sure that you want to do this?”

It’s what everyone wanted right? Glimmer and Bow wanted her to stop screaming out in the middle of the night, Angella wanted to know that her soldier was well enough to help protect their people, and Catra wanted her to remember. Was this what needed to happen? What if it all went wrong and she could never fight again? 

“She’s sure,” Glimmer cut in and stood up, meeting Adora’s eyes. The blonde could only look at her for so long before silently nodding at the queen and watching her leave. The empty space that the two women left behind made the room suddenly seem so much bigger. Any second now it would swallow Adora up and she’d be a hologram on that table. Always standing at attention and ready to follow orders. A good little soldier. It was probably wrong to think about it that way, but something about that idea sounded a lot easier than anything Adora was going to have to do now.

“You want to tell me what the hell that was?” Adora had expected this, but she would have to admit she had been hoping for a few more minutes to put together an excuse. 

“I changed my mind. Look, I know I probably should have come to you and Bow first about this, but I literally just decided this and….I wanted to get it over with.” 

“You wanted to or did Catra?” 

The blonde sighed as she watched the familiar purple shimmers and suddenly Glimmer was gone. Trust the princess to be dramatic. Adora knew that she wasn’t exactly trying to hide from her though and quickly ran out of the War Room to find Glimmer standing in the hallway, talking to a guard. 

“That’s not fair Glimmer,” Adora said and watched as Glimmer nodded at the guard to leave. The purple haired girl turned to face her friend with a familiar glare on her face.

“No, not fair was the fact that after everything that happened last night I haven’t seen you up until the moment you just suddenly decide you’re fine with everything? You two were practically ready to kill each other during the meeting yesterday and then….I just-” 

“Go ahead, say it.” Adora’s nails pressed into her palms and the tiny stings helped to keep her focused. She could feel nails begin to break through skin in a couple places, but that voice in her head that usually told her when to stop was stuck between trying to decide if Adora deserved this for hurting her friends or for thinking that things could get better. 

“Adora,” Glimmer whispered, and moved closer before throwing herself at Adora and wrapping her arms around her. Adora’s muscles tensed at the sudden movement, but then slowly she lifted one hand up to wrap around Glimmer’s back and one to smooth out her hair. 

“We were so scared for you,” Glimmer said, her voice slightly muffled by the fact that her face is still buried in Adora’s shoulder. “You just stopped…..stopped breathing, you wouldn’t even blink. We tried to get your attention and I’ve never heard someone sound so terrified in my life. We couldn’t help you and then suddenly she just-”

“Stop,” Adora cut in and looked down when she felt Glimmer’s body pull away from her. “She was helping, that’s it.”

“Was she though? It’s obvious that she knows you Adora, and I mean she KNOWS you. What if all that, all of her ‘help’, is just her way of trying to get you to leave? I’ve never heard of someone making it from one side of the Whispering Woods to the other alone! Maybe that’s because she wasn’t alone. Look, we know she was right about the memories, but I don’t think she came here to help. That doesn’t seem like something Catra would do.”

“You don’t even know her,” Adora spat out and started to storm off past Glimmer. 

“I know her well enough,” Glimmer shouted and teleported in front of the blonde to stop her. “You’ve told us all of this terrible stuff about-”

“It wasn’t always terrible.” Adora wasn’t sure if the princess even heard her words. She was trying to walk away, but Glimmer was doing a decent job at keeping up. It would probably work if Adora just broke into a quick sprint, but she still didn’t know exactly where she’d go. 

“OH COME ON!” 

Glimmer made one more teleportation and stopped in front of Adora, holding her arms out to force her to come to a stop. It wouldn’t have been near enough to actually force the blonde, but she did so out of respect for the attempt. 

“Would you just listen to yourself Adora? You’re making excuses for her.” Now where had Adora heard this before? Down a little bit from where they stood in the hallway light footsteps could be heard, but the two Rebel soldiers were so focused on each other that they never noticed. 

“No, you don’t understand. That’s just Catra. You saw how she acted in the meeting yesterday.”

“Uh yeah I did,” Glimmer said, “but did you? Were you really okay with the way that she talked to you? Or how about the fact that she hid that entire memory story from everyone until right when she could use it to prove my aunt wrong? You’re telling me that’s supposed to be your best friend…” 

“She’s changed,” Adora pleads. She takes a step back so that Glimmer’s arms fall to her sides. “Sh-she wouldn’t actually be here if she didn’t want to be. That’s how angry she was with me. Besides, all three of us were in the room last night and she never tried to attack anyone. We all know I’m the only one who would have been able to put up a decent fight.” 

“Maybe on a good day blondie, but last night was definitely not it.” Catra’s voice broke through their focus and both girls watched as the feline jumped down from her spot on a beam up by the ceiling.

“Catra? How did you-”

“Do you two know how loud you are? Like, yeah I knew Adora’s voice carried, but damn Sparkles..”

“It’s Glimmer.” 

“Right, my bad.” The smirk on Catra’s face told Adora that it wasn’t an accident. 

“What are you doing here anyways?” 

“Well,” Catra started, “I was rudely woken up by the sound of two idiots, so I thought I’d see if maybe one of those idiots would be interested in getting her ass kicked for a bit. After all, I’m sure this place has a top notch training center.” 

“I hardly think letting you train right now would be a smart idea.” 

“I thought that’s what Bright Moon was known for. You know, with all of your well thought out ideas.” 

“We beat you, remember?” 

Adora didn’t know what to do. No matter what she thought of to say, none of it sounded right. Soon the sounds of bickering around her became muffled as she looked down at her palms. Four tiny, pink crescent moons stretched across the palm of each hand. A couple of them even seemed a little more on the red side, like the nails had just barely broken through. It was fine though right? 

“ADORA?!” Oops, she had been silent for too long. 

Adora looked back up from her hands to see the other two girls staring her down. Glimmer was looking slightly irritated while Catra still wore that same familiar smirk, like she was expecting this to happen. Then again, it had always been Catra who had written down extra sets of notes for Adora during classes. It was hard sometimes to focus on what their instructors were saying when there were strategies and simulation drills to plan out in her head.

“I uh I don’t mind.” Adora hoped her words were on topic. “It’d be nice to get in some training time before I have some healer trying to tell me what I can and can’t do.” The giggle from Catra told her that she was clearly not responding to the right conversation. 

“Adora,” Glimmer whined, “I was saying that it would probably be best if Catra stayed in her rooms. In fact, I’ll just take her there myself.” 

It all seemed to happen in slow motion. Glimmer reached out for Catra’s arm or her shoulder, any part that she could grab onto in order to start teleporting. She wasn’t fast enough though and Catra had enough time to hiss out her own warning while she reared her claws back ready to protect herself. Adora was watching it all like her worst case of deja vu. In her mind, Glimmer was replaced with a younger version of Lonnie and once again, it all started because Adora wasn’t paying attention. Her reflexes kicked in and the blonde was already trying to step between them before she even considered that she had placed herself in the line of fire. 

“Don’t touch her!” Her warning came too late. 

Later, Adora would be surprised by how little Catra’s claws actually hurt as they swung through the air and made contact with the side of her face. If she had to guess, she’d say that the amount of times she had been accidentally scratched as a child, clawed at during drills, and even in the middle of battle had helped her get used to the feeling. It wasn’t until a few seconds later when the sting began to set in. 

“Catra,” Adora clamped a hand down over her cheek and immediately held the other hand up as if she were surrendering. “It’s okay….it’s okay. I’m fine, see? It’s nothing.” 

“Adora, you’re bleeding.” The blonde turned to face the purple haired princess with a quick glare. Glimmer was right. Adora could feel the warm sensation of blood on the hand that was covering her face, but now was not the time.

“I said I’m fine,” Adora repeated and looked back at Catra. The feline looked scared, but it was hard to tell exactly what she was scared of. She was staring down at her claws, her blue and yellow eyes only flickering up to meet the side of Adora’s face for a split second before looking back down. Her chest rose and fell quickly as she seemed to put together what had happened.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Adora took a step towards Catra and turned her head so that her friend wouldn’t have to face the damage. “You were just protecting yourself.” The silence was almost too much to stand and Adora found herself reaching out to take Catra’s hand.

“No,” Catra pulled her hand back and took a few steps backwards away from the Rebellion leaders. 

“Easy, Catra….everything’s fine.” 

“Stop it,” Catra hissed, “stop protecting me. I didn’t ask for your help and now look at you! Look at your face Adora….look at what I did.” Her eyes flickered from Adora’s to the princess standing behind her and she stared Glimmer down. 

“Honestly Catra, it’s nothing.” Adora smiled at her friend and hoped that Catra wouldn’t notice the small flinch. As she smiled, Adora’s cheek stretched the fresh claw marks just slightly, pulling uncomfortably at the skin. 

“Don’t lie to me.” A low growl escaped along with Catra’s words and the sound of Glimmer taking a step back echoed between them. “Looks like you were right this time Sparkles,” Catra said before quickly turning around and sprinting down the hall. Adora didn’t try to stop her. After watching her run away so many times through the barracks, she knew that there was no point in running after her. Something seemed to tug at the back of her mind as she thought about the times before when she had watched Catra run away and how, after much trial and error, she learned to set a mental timer and wait for the right moment. She never knew how much time it was exactly, but there was always a certain amount of silence that needed to happen before Adora would make an attempt to find her. If only she knew just how long that would need to be this time. 

“Adora…” 

Oh right, Glimmer was here too.

“Don’t.” The blonde couldn’t even bring herself to turn around to face her friend. “Please....just leave it alone.” Nails pressed tightly back into her palms as she heard the sigh coming from behind her. The disappointment wasn’t hard to miss and it was Adora that the princess was disappointed in. 

“Adora, I know those scratches are bleeding and you need to see the healer anyways to discuss preparations. Why don’t we just take care of all of it now?”

“No.” For the first time in several months, Adora finally felt sure about a decision. Maybe it was the way her brain seemed to be screaming at her for some kind of silence. Then again, it could just be a desire to avoid the healer’s rooms until absolutely necessary. “I need to be alone right now.” 

She didn’t wait for Glimmer’s approval or argument against her decision. There were no clear thoughts as to where she was going or what she was going to do, but her feet carried her down a familiar path. Adora was grateful for the muscle memory because she was far too busy trying to hold back tears or wipe away the ones that slipped out before they could fall into the open cuts on her cheek. Between that and the buzzing in her head from trying to piece together what had just happened and what it all meant, she almost walked straight into the large pair of doors that led to the gym used by the Bright Moon guard. 

Of course, she’d end up at the gym. The idea of her and Catra sparring was still stuck in her head and it seemed like the best option. She always did extra training in the Horde when things weren’t going well. Punching out all that anger and that confusion about the things she didn’t understand, and there was a lot Adora didn’t understand, always seemed to fix things. Shadow Weaver would praise her extra efforts, her practices would help push her team back up on the leaderboard, and even now her extra training helped her fight for the Rebellion and gave her better control over She-Ra. Sure she was tired, but if she took the time to fight now then maybe the noise in her head would quiet down so she could sleep later. 

The gym wasn’t exactly what she had grown up used to as far as the variety of training materials, but it would work for now. In fact, Adora only planned on using one of the large blue punching bags hanging up along one wall in the room. 

Usually there were sets of hand wraps or gloves available for anyone to use, but they all must have needed to be washed because the shelf was empty when the blonde looked for them. No problem, it’ll help her focus more if she can really feel where her hits land. She’d probably even be able to clear up the fog in her brain a little bit if she had the sensation of her skin rubbing up against the rough surface of the bag for awhile. Then she’d be able to go back and figure out what to tell Glimmer and how to help Catra. Maybe she’d even have time to meet with Castaspella and the healers. It was just the reset her day needed and everyone was depending on their calm and collected hero.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all for now folks! Hope you liked it. I have two more days of classes with my students and then I'll be on winter break for a couple weeks so expect a new chapter much sooner than I got this one out lol. Thanks for sticking around and being patient. 
> 
> As always, your kudos and comments mean the absolute world to me and I'm always looking through them for positive support!
> 
> Constructive criticism is always welcome, but please be kind or I will cry :)


	12. Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The process of removing the blocks from Adora's memory has began and Catra remembers what Shadow Weaver said in her warning about attempting to do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! Oh my gosh so much has happened since the last time I posted and honestly I was shocked I churned this one out when I did. If you're like me and living in the US then you know what I mean. Hopefully this finds you all safe and well. I also want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH to all the comments and kudos that I got on the last chapter. I think this chapter and the last one are the two that have irritated me the most in that nothing I typed seemed right and I redid so much. Those comments really kept me going and also may have given me a few ideas :) 
> 
> Warning: Mentions of violence and blood as well as implied emotional abuse.

After the incident in the hallway, things had calmed down for a bit around Bright Moon. The two friends did what they did best when confronted with emotional stress and they both silently pushed it down while also checking in on the other. Adora convinced Angella that two guards standing out in their hallway was a bit ridiculous and every night she would crack open the door between their two rooms. She never went in or said anything during these moments, just opened the door and walked back to her bed. After the first night, Adora woke up by herself, but the following evening when she startled awake in a cold sweat she watched a quiet figure slink over and a familiar weight pressed down on her feet as she tried to fall back asleep. She didn’t have a nightmare every night over the past week, but Catra would always end up curled up in that familiar spot. 

There was an emergency Alliance meeting called the day after Adora made her decision and that was the first time that anyone, including Adora, saw Catra after her run-in with Glimmer. It took a lot of convincing from Glimmer to stop Frosta from pummeling the feline to the ground with her own version of ice claws. Adora tried to explain, but Perfuma was the only one who really seemed to take her explanations seriously. Almost like Adora’s opinion was too biased to be considered. It also didn’t help that she got distracted by a familiar tail winding its way around Adora’s wrist to tug it up lightly into Catra’s view. The only reaction to the scabbed over cuts and scratches covering Adora’s knuckles that Catra gave was a twitch of her ears and then letting go of her wrist quickly when she made eye contact with Adora. After Glimmer went through the plans set up for She-Ra’s absence, Adora went back to her room to try and calm down only for the healers to appear soon after to offer their assistance. Apparently, they had learned that She-Ra hadn’t had the proper wrappings to care for her injuries and they wanted to help. Nothing was ever said, but both noticed and made small decisions and changes to accommodate the other. When they all joined together for a meeting with the healers and sorcerers going over plans, there was Catra walking in like she owned the place and flashing a quick smile Adora’s way that made her chest feel like it would explode. She had missed that familiarity. 

Now it was time for the procedure and while Adora was grateful for Catra’s presence next to her, the feline also managed to push her buttons.

“It’s not funny.” 

“I never said it was.” 

“Then stop laughing.” 

“Do you know what you look like right now?!”

Adora did in fact know what she looked like and even in She-Ra’s form her cheeks grew red when she peeked down to see her feet dangling over the edge of the infirmary bed she was told to lay down on. Clearly, the healers didn’t have accommodations for eight foot tall princesses of power. The blonde wished she had a notepad so she could remember to bring that up at the next Alliance meeting.

“Just….shut up Catra,” Adora mumbled the last part when Catra broke out into another laugh from seeing Adora blush. The sound of the feline’s laughter did help to calm her nerves though. How long had it been since she had seen Catra laugh so openly? And how much longer did she have for another chance to see it happen again? 

“I tried to tell you this wouldn’t work,” Glimmer appeared on the other side of Adora’s bed and rolled her eyes. “That’s why they planned on using the chair, but this is what happens when someone wants to make last minute changes.” 

The two ex-Horde soldiers looked over at the medical chair sitting on the other side of the room. There was nothing out of the ordinary about it really. It was just a standard chair you might find in any healer’s office, but Adora could feel She-Ra’s muscles tense up as she looked at it. 

“No,” she said firmly and hoped to leave it at that. 

“Are you sure?” Glimmer didn’t realize that she was pushing. “Because they can raise it or lower it to make more space for you.” 

“I just,” Adora paused to gather her thoughts, “If I’m going to be sleeping for this whole thing, I’d much rather lie down.” The explanation and a flash of her smile seemed to stop Glimmer from pressing the matter any further. It helped that Bow had appeared by her side. He seemed to know just the right time to cut in.

“We’re proud of you Adora,” Bow smiled and reached out for Glimmer and She-Ra’s hands. “All of us.” 

Catra must have taken that as a cue of some kind because Adora saw her stand up a bit straighter. 

“Yeah, what he said,” the brunette mumbled. Her mismatched eyes met Adora’s for a second just before the Castaspella walked in with another sorcerer and the two lead Bright Moon Healers. If she had planned on saying anything to Adora, it was quickly forgotten when Catra turned in the direction of this new chaos. Instead, Adora watched as her ears flattened down and her tail bristled as they all watched the newcomers set up their work. 

“We’ll be ready soon,” Castaspella called out as she waved her hands around trying to give directions to everyone else in the room. Bow and Glimmer gave Adora’s hand one more squeeze before getting out of the way, but Catra continued to stand there staring everyone down. 

“Catra?” If only she’d had more time for the two of them to talk about everything. They both grew up terrified of the medical ward in the Fright Zone and for good reason too. Even as She-Ra, Adora could feel her own heartbeat pick up a little bit as she watched as a healer pulled out a syringe while another grabbed a small vial of an iridescent liquid from Glimmer’s aunt. 

“It’s fine,” Adora said, “they said they’d only be here to administer the potion, check my vitals, and then they’re going to stay out of the way until Castaspella tells them otherwise. No big deal.” She wasn’t sure if she was saying this more for Catra’s benefit or her own. 

“She’s right you know,” the healer with the syringe cut in with a smile. Catra let out a quick hiss before walking around to the other side of Adora’s bed. “She-Ra,   
they’re ready to begin whenever you are. The Head Sorceress has said that your friends can stay in the room so long as everything is going according to plan. You’re in good hands.” 

“She better be,” Catra mumbled and Adora caught a glimpse of a familiar set of claws. 

“She’s kidding,” Adora said and tried to laugh it off. “Just….she’ll be fine.” It took all of her power not to shoot a glare towards the sound of a low growl before pointing out the glowing vial. “About the potion though. How does it work exactly? I mean, I don’t have the best control over all the healing powers yet, but how do we know those won’t interfere? Is there a chance that I’ll wake up in the middle of this? How bad exactly would it be if this happened? I had all of these questions written down when we had the last meeting, but then I couldn’t find the paper. Actually...Catra could you go get it for me now? I think I might have left it in my jacket pocket. We have plenty of time for just-”

“She-Ra,” Castaspella cut in and walked over to grab Adora’s hand. “Everything is under control. The potion is a typical sleeping draught, but it’s been changed just a bit specially for you. It’ll keep you asleep without having to numb out any of your powers that might be interfering with the mental shields. We want those weakened as much as possible before we go in and break them. All you have to do is lay there and relax.” 

“Did you hear that She-Ra,” Glimmer teleported in, right next to her aunt. “All you have to do is lay there and do nothing. Everything’s fine!”  
“Because that’s so easy for Adora to do.” Catra quickly pulled up a small chair and sat down next to Adora. The two exchanged a quick glance before Adora looked over to nod at Casta and avoid Glimmer’s glare. 

“Let’s just do this already.”   
\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Catra would never admit it out loud, but having to sit there and watch as the healer poked the needle into Adora’s arm was a lot harder than she thought it would be. The way that Adora turned her face away from the needle to look at Catra but never winced or made a face didn’t help either. Both of them knew that it hurt, but once   
again Adora had to make sure she proved just how tough she was. 

The potion didn’t take effect right away. Catra watched for any signs of drowsiness as Adora’s eyes glanced around the room and her fingers drummed along the sides of the bed she laid on. Bow and Glimmer had stayed close by as well, but back a few feet in their own chairs talking about Alliance plans. They’d probably kick Catra out as soon as their hero closed her eyes. 

Catra noticed that Adora was still tapping her fingers, she could tell that her drumming had slowed down a bit but not completely. The feline looked up from where she was watching her friend’s hands and saw Adora staring intently straight ahead of her. Her jaw was clenched up like it always got when the girl was trying to work out something in her head. Catra hadn’t seen that look of frustration in so long that it took her a second before she finally remembered what to do. Quietly she slipped her hand up and over Adora’s tapping fingers, squeezing just slightly to force the other girl’s hand to be still. 

The movement pulled Adora out of whatever mental argument she was having with herself and she squeezed her friend’s hand back in return.

“Hey,” she mumbled. Catra took note of the way her voice seemed hushed and slow. “I’m okay, no need to worry.” 

The feline bit down on the hiss that tried to escape and instead rolled her eyes. 

“This isn’t because I’m worried about you,” she snapped back quickly. Why couldn’t Adora just admit that she wanted Catra here? Catra would have had to count on each finger and each claw separately to remember all the times that she had reached out to calm down the fidgeting and the nail biting.

“Catra,” Adora finally said after a moment of silence. Her eyes were struggling to stay open by this point and her grip on her friend’s hand has loosened quite a bit. “Does it….I mean, if you can remember. That is, you don’t have to tell me but just….will it hurt?” 

If it had been under any other circumstances, Catra would have seen that question as a challenge. Was the pain too much for Catra? Will Adora be able to withstand more than her? Was Adora stronger than her? After everything that had happened in the last couple of months though, Catra could only guess that maybe it was Adora’s only way of admitting that she was scared. She was She-Ra after all and there were too many people around. Now was not the time to admit to being afraid. 

“You’ll be okay,” Catra said and watched Adora give a small smile before closing her eyes. The next several seconds that passed were silent as Catra watched She-Ra’s chest rise and fall slowly and listened for the tell tale sound of a steady slow breathing. 

“She’s out,” Catra called out and nodded at Castaspella. Quickly, she stood up, grabbed her chair, and walked back several paces with Bow and Glimmer as the two sorcerer’s went to work. Bow was kind enough to flash a quick smile as Catra came to stand next to them. Glimmer did her best to avoid any eye contact which was probably for the best. 

The small group watched as a blue powder was poured out to create a large circle around She-Ra and the bed she laid on. Once the circle was made, a purple powder was then poured inside of the circle to create swirls, lines, and sharp points around the floor. When Castaspella connected the last two lines and raised her palm out over that section the entire circle began to glow and a familiar sinking feeling made its way into Catra’s chest. It might have been a different color, but she knew that glow all too well. As she looked up to see She-Ra’s sleeping form, her mind seemed to flash between seeing the hero bathed in blue light or smothered in an uncomfortable red. 

“I can’t be here,” she managed to blurt out before her body kicked into autopilot and walked her out of the infirmary into the lobby wing. 

The way that light...that magic completely covered Adora was too much. Catra pressed the palm of her hands into her eyes, claws pressed down into different points of her forehead, and she tried not to scream. Again those two voices yelled out in her head. One ordering her, begging her to go in there and pull Adora out. Magic couldn’t be trusted and how did these strangers even know that what they were doing would work in the first place. The other voice sounded like a child. It begged her to get out of there, to run. She had never seen that exact magic before and she didn’t know what it was truly capable of. If Adora was going to make the mistake of trusting them fine, but Catra could learn from that mistake. She still had time to get out.

“What the hell are you doing?” Catra snapped back to attention as Glimmer stormed into the waiting room area with Bow trying to keep up. “She asks you to stay with her and within the first five seconds you just bolt?”

“Yeah,” Catra snaps, “it seems we’re both really good at that.” 

It was clear the princess had another smart remark in mind, but Bow’s hand on her shoulder stopped her from saying anything. Instead, Glimmer turned back to the doors to get a look at any progress through the windows and Bow stepped closer. 

“It’s okay,you know?” Bow took a seat in one of the chairs sitting in rows in the middle of the room and nodded for Catra to sit down next to him. “It’s okay if you’re scared.” 

“I’m not scared!” The feline turned away from him to face the infirmary. The glow of magic was slipping in through the cracks around the doors.

“Okay, maybe you aren’t.” Bow’s brow furrowed like he was trying to think five steps ahead of this conversation. “But Adora is, whether or not she says so and I think you know that. You seemed fine until they cast the magic, was that it?”

“What would you know about any of that, Arrow Boy?” Catra couldn’t help but grow angrier as Bow tried to connect. 

“Nothing.” Her ears perked up at the word. “I only know what Adora has told us and clearly that wasn’t everything. She never really told us that much to begin with.”

“Yeah well,” Catra looked back at him and almost regretted it when she caught sight of that stupid smile on his face when they made eye contact. “Maybe it should be you all in there with her instead. She’s going to need her friends with her when she wakes up, trust me.” 

Bow let out a sigh as he stood up and walked towards Catra and the door leading back into the infirmary. He stopped for a moment when he reached the feline. 

“Adora asked you to be here for a reason. I’ll be honest, I don’t know exactly what that is, but something tells me you know a lot more about what’s going on then you’re saying. That’s okay though, you don’t have to share if you’re not comfortable right now.” Bow went to give her a hug, but stopped for a second to rethink his actions and decided on a quick shoulder pat instead. The brunette stared at his feet as he walked up to Glimmer, gave her a quick hug, and walked back into the infirmary. Catra was too busy trying to blink back the stinging tears at the corners of her eyes to notice Glimmer turning back to her. 

“She told me to apologize to you,” Glimmer muttered, “Adora, that is.” 

Catra snorted and rolled her eyes at the apology. She walked up next to the princess and looked in through the window. The glow of the spell magic had died down a bit and She-Ra could be seen sleeping just as peacefully as she had when Catra had been in there with her. 

“And do you want to apologize, Sparkles?

Glimmer gave no look of disgust at the name or even seemed to react to Catra’s question at all. Instead, both girls watched their friend sleeping as the two sorcerers switched between mumbling words that they must have been reading from the very large book floating in front of them and looking over to check on Adora. 

“She knew her too,” Glimmer finally chimed in after a few minutes in silence, “My aunt Casta, when she was a little girl, used to see Shadow Weaver around Mystacor all the time.”

“What the hell?” Adora had spent the last few days convincing Catra that they could trust these people and now she learns about this?

“Well, my aunt was never around her really. Mostly Shadow Weaver trained my dad when he was little.” Catra’s ears picked up on the shaky breath that Glimmer let out and decided against looking over at her. “I think that he was...he was like that first version of Adora before she ever found the real Adora. Not Casta though, I overheard her talking to my mom once about how Shadow Weaver watched one of her spell trials and laughed at her. She told the council that my dad was the only hope for the future of Mystacor and maybe even Etheria, that training his little sister would be a waste of time. Casta was told she didn’t have nearly enough natural talent to even be bothered with.” 

“I’ve heard that one before.” Catra couldn’t help the laugh that escaped as she listened to Glimmer’s words. In some way, this new information made Catra feel a little bit better and less alone. She wasn’t the only screw up, or the only one that Shadow Weaver saw as a screw up. Not only that, but one look at Castaspella told Catra that the woman had plenty of talent that Shadow Weaver hadn’t seen. Maybe it was possible for the bitch to be wrong twice. 

“I’m sure she’d agree to talk to you about it sometime. After the incident in Mystacor, Aunt Casta spent a lot of time talking to Adora about what happened to my dad and-”

“Why are you telling me this?” Catra tried to say it as kindly as possible, or at least as kind as she could pretend to be.

“I really don’t know,” Glimmer sighed and pushed open the door before looking over at Catra. “But it seemed like something you should know about.” 

The brunette looked inside once more before accepting the gesture and walked back into the infirmary. Bow was sitting in her chair that had been pulled back up next to Adora’s bed. He was staring down at where he held her hand until he heard footsteps and immediately looked up at them. Catra could tell he was struggling to keep a smile on his face for the two of them. Something was wrong.

“What’s going on?” Catra watched Bow slip his hand out of She-Ra’s and give up his seat for her. 

“Nothing.” He said that too quickly. “It’s just that...she’s got a really firm grip.”

“What are you talking about?” Catra went to see for herself and quickly walked over to sit down by her friend’s side. The blue glow surrounding both of them wasn’t even an afterthought in her mind now. All she could do was stare down at the slightly bigger version of her friend’s hand twitch and tighten into a grip around nothing. Without a second thought, Catra slipped her own hand into Adora’s and didn’t even wince as she felt She-Ra’s iron grip crush her fingers together. There were no clues that Adora was in any pain and her face looked as calm as ever. But the small whimper that slipped out just a few seconds later made Catra’s fur stand on end and her tail bristle out. 

“You said she’d be fine,” Catra hissed as her eyes continued to flip back and forth between watching the blonde’s face for any signs of discomfort and watching that hand twitch and grip at her own. 

“We’re almost there,” Castaspella said, without looking up from the book. “She-Ra was able to weaken the shields like we expected, but these memories are taking a toll on Adora. Her mind is trying to process them at the same time that it’s trying to make space for them now that the brain knows that they exist. She’s just trying to hold on.” 

None of the woman’s words made any sense and the worst part of it was that there was nothing Catra could do but sit there and believe her. Sure she could have sliced that ridiculous looking book apart and taken everyone in the room down, but what would that do to Adora? She wasn’t willing to risk it. 

“She-Ra’s strong enough,” Glimmer said from behind Catra, “She can handle this.” Why did they all talk about her like she was a completely different person? 

“Adora,” Catra corrected, “shouldn’t have to handle it.” The Alliance members continued to stand watch behind her, but not another word was said. 

A few more minutes went by, but things only seemed to get progressively worse. Catra’s hand was going numb from where She-Ra now kept a firm grasp on it, but she never said a thing or even noticed. They were all too busy watching her face for signs of distress. Her brows would furrow quickly and then relax or her jaw would clench up for a second only for it to relax again after her head would twitch to one side and back.

“Glimmer...,” Bow’s voice barely over a whisper.

“There’s nothing we can do.” Glimmer didn’t sound like she was even convinced of that herself. 

“This has got to stop,” Catra finally said, making sure she was loud enough for Castaspella and the other sorcerer to hear her. 

“We can’t,” the other sorcerer gasped out and shook her head. It was obvious that they were struggling just as much as the blonde sleeping on the bed. 

“There’s only a couple left,” Castaspella said. “If we stop now, then who knows when we’ll get the chance to try again.” 

How much more did they expect Adora to take? 

She got her answer fairly quickly when a sudden burst of light came from where the blonde was lying on the bed. Catra’s reflexes forced her to yank her hand out of She-Ra’s grip to shield her eyes. She tried to look behind her to see if Glimmer and Bow were still there, but the light grew too bright for her to keep her eyes open. A few seconds later and the light was gone just as quickly as it had appeared revealing Adora as herself, but this time she was curled up on the bed. Beads of sweat were collecting on the blonde’s forehead as she shivered and her arms wrapped around her body like she was trying to protect herself. She was still sleeping, but the short harsh breaths that she took were nothing like the soft and steady ones that Catra had heard when she first fell asleep. This wasn’t the Adora that Catra knew and she was practically choking on the fear that was building up inside her chest as she watched helplessly. 

“That’s it, I’m stopping this. She’s done, do you hear me? We’re stopping this now!” 

Catra unsheathed her claws as she reached over to the bed. If she could grab Adora by the shoulders and shake her, then maybe that would wake her up. If not, then it wouldn’t be the first time that Catra left her mark and she’d deal with the consequences later. What she hadn’t accounted for was the pair of arms now reaching around her, trying to press her own arms down to her side, and attempting to drag her away. The fear and adrenaline of the unexpected motions kicked in and Catra immediately swung her legs out and down while throwing her weight into it. It was easy to ignore the pain of crashing into the floor and breaking the fall of the person now on top of her when she had a goal in mind and she had to act fast. Her hands shot out as she broke through the arms trying to hold her down and scrambled to sit up.

“Catra, you have to stop!” Glimmer’s screams could be heard from somewhere behind her, but they weren’t important. They were muffled out by the replay of Shadow Weaver’s words about what would happen. All that pain and all that truth would make Adora go mad. She must have gotten stuck in her own thoughts for too long though because the arms were back, grabbing her the same way, except this time she was thrown over someone’s shoulder. It was easier this way to pull her arms out of the trap and she started to wildly throw them around, not sure where her claws made contact with the stranger or just air.

“Glimmer, get us out of here,” Bow’s voice echoed out and soon Catra’s vision was blocked out by sparkles. Her stomach turned and the next thing she knew she was rolling off someone’s shoulder and onto the floor of the main lobby where she had just been minutes ago. 

“Lock the door,” Bow’s voice ordered again and Glimmer scrambled to try and lock the door before deciding to barricade it with chairs as well. 

“Are you okay?” 

As Catra’s mind came back to her, she rolled over onto her back slowly and kept her hands in close. It was easier to get her breathing under control now that she recognized the voices around her. Her eyes opened to reveal a white ceiling hovering over her and when she finally felt the strength to turn her head to the side she could see Glimmer standing with Bow by the doors. Bow’s white shirt looked like it had gotten attacked by a cloud of swords and there were red patches that began blooming out on the fabric. 

“They’re so sharp,” Bow hissed as Glimmer began to move around him to see what damage had been done. “How does she keep them so sharp?” 

Oh. 

At the sound of Catra’s gasp of realization, Glimmer turned to face her with a familiar death glare. The princess probably would have said something if it weren’t for Bow reaching around and pulling her away from where Catra laid still. 

“Don’t,” he whispered. “It wasn’t her fault. She was scared and she only did what she thought she had to.” Glimmer huffed and stepped aside. 

“I’m going back in,” she said, “stay out here until I find out more.” 

Catra closed her eyes to avoid the brightness of the sparkles that Glimmer left behind and then opened her eyes to see Bow sitting down by the stack of chairs. She was grateful for the amount of space between them. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, not breaking eye contact with her. “Castaspella kept trying to say that if you woke her up then it would only be more difficult. I didn’t know what else to do and you have every right to be angry at me. But I knew that if it made Adora hurt more, then you’d just be angrier at yourself.”

“I get it.” Catra’s voice came out hoarse and a lot weaker than she wanted, but she needed Bow to shut up. Her head was pounding from where she hit it on the floor and the fact that she didn't know what was happening in the infirmary right now made her skin itch. 

“We have to wait here.” 

Catra nodded quietly in response before slowly sitting up and looking around the lobby. She’d need to find something to do and fast. Otherwise, she’d spend the time just replaying those few seconds where Adora was back to herself and Catra already had plenty of material for her nightmares at the moment. Now all she could do was wait and see how this one ended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOF what a way to end the chapter right?! I kept trying to change it up, but this just felt right. The next chapter is going to be what is happening in Adora's mind while this was all going on and also will finally reveal the other side of the story to a certain memory you all might remember reading. Also, I'm currently working on another idea that I've had bouncing around my head for the last month or so. I'm still trying to plan it out, but I'll let you know when it's ready to share in case you're interested. 
> 
> Remember kudos and comments give me the strength to carry on and I ALWAYS love seeing your thoughts and ideas on what you want to see or where you think the story is heading :)


	13. Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Catra and her Rebellion friends monitor her from the outside, Adora uses She-Ra to help guide her through her missing memories one at a time. She ends up learning things about herself and her guardian that she wishes she hadn't while fighting to keep herself together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just.....I don't even know what to say here. I hope you guys like this one because I really struggled with it. There was so much I wanted to do and put in, but as I kept typing I realized that I was just trying to do too much. So I ended up cutting out a HUGE chunk, narrowing it down a little bit, and I decided that Adora's pov of the memory that both girls lost needed to have it's own chapter. There was just so much that I wanted to make sure I touched on or made clearer so that's what I focused on instead. There's maybe even a little sneaky detail that I added in and I'm anxious to see if anyone notices.
> 
> Just as a small heads up this chapter will touch on things previously mentioned in chapters 9 and 12 so do with that what you will. 
> 
> Warnings going forward: Detailed explanations of child abuse, physical and emotional. Mentions of blood and violence.

It wasn’t so bad when it first started out. Adora wasn’t sure what to expect, but it seemed that Castaspella had been correct when she believed that She-Ra would be able to make the process easier and safer. There was no physical pain, at least in the beginning. 

When she closed her eyes to the real world, she found herself waking up in a very large and empty hallway. It was immediately recognizable as one of the halls of the Crystal Castle, but it didn’t feel quite as lonely as it did in the real world. Not much time had passed before the first doorway appeared. One second she was looking down the hall trying to determine what the bright lights at the end would lead to and then she was turning around to see that a dark patch had appeared on the sidewall. Her body moved without any direction from her and Adora could only watch as She-Ra’s feet seemed to force her a little ways down the hall to stand directly in front of the opening. 

She should have been scared. Standing there and looking in, there was nothing but pitch black darkness. Something told Adora that it would be okay though. Maybe it was the fact that she was able to look down at herself and still see that she had managed to hold onto She-Ra’s form or maybe it was the tiny balls of blue and purple light floating past her and disappearing into the doorway. They coaxed her in as if to say that they’d help keep her safe from anything in that darkness and they did. 

Those tiny bits of floating magic kept close to her as she walked through and watched the scene play out in front of her. Darkness had opened up into a familiar Horde infirmary where a much younger Adora sat, strapped down and terrified, on a medical office chair as looming black figures walked around her. It was hard to tell, but the miniature version of herself appeared to be maybe four or five. She never once cried out and demanded any answers as she watched a figure that had been pacing around the room turn into Shadow Weaver. It was like the pieces of the puzzle suddenly fit together and Adora knew what was coming. Her heart shattered for her former self as she watched the tiny child squeal and beg for everything to stop, only to be silenced into submission as the needle extracted just enough blood to fill one small vial. The encouraging words of how important this work was and how she’d be better for it in the end did nothing to soothe the little girl. 

“I want it tested.” Adora could now remember hearing Shadow Weaver hiss to the medic in the room and watched it happen now in front of her.

“Anything that seems different and you report it directly to me. Do you understand? A baby doesn’t just get pulled through a portal like that without being something worthwhile. I want to make sure I haven’t wasted the last few years of my life.” 

Catra was right. It was always about what Adora could do for their caregiver, what Shadow Weaver could turn her into. 

The blonde continued to watch as the second in command blocked her view of the future Horde force captain and raised her hand up to the side of the child’s face. 

“This will just have to be one of our little secrets.” And it was, until now that is. 

As quickly as she was pulled in, Adora was pushed back out into the familiar hall of her own Crystal Castle. Her chest felt like it was caving in on itself and she looked down to see her hands shaking. There was now a tiny dot of blood in the crease of her elbow where her younger self had been prodded by that needle and chafing in the same places where she had watched the leather rub into the child’s wrists. Was that supposed to happen? How could it happen if she wasn’t really there…was she even really here? Adora lost control of her own thoughts as she tried to replay the fresh memory. For some reason it wasn’t surprising that Shadow Weaver had done that. The idea that her caretaker had been after some kind of mysterious information about her this whole time didn’t shock her either, but it was beginning to eat away at Adora. Then, very suddenly, it stopped. 

Just as Adora could feel a panic attack coming on she was surrounded by a warm golden glow. Maybe someone else would have been concerned, but Adora immediately recognized the warmth as She-Ra’s healing powers, her healing powers. Glimmer’s aunt would be thrilled to know that they had been right in thinking that She-Ra was the key to getting this done the right way. Now she just had to make sure she remembered to tell Casta when she woke up. 

The healing powers didn’t exactly fix her, but maybe there wasn’t anything that really needed to be fixed. Yet, Adora felt a little calmer as she watched the glow slowly fade away to leave her standing there and wondering where the path would take her next. It was clear, even after only one memory, that things weren’t going to get any easier but for once it felt manageable. She just wished there was a way for her to reach back to her body and let Catra know she was okay. 

It went on this way for a little while longer. Adora continued down the hall after deciding that maybe going in the direction of the light wasn’t such a great idea and soon enough another passage appeared just a few feet away from her. Before that though, there had been other passages too, but those weren’t covered in darkness. They were easy to look into and see moments playing out in front of her and Adora wasn’t sure how much time she had lost trying to watch those memories, instead of walking towards another black hole. The magical orbs found her though, and ended up guiding her to the darker path and then through it to the other side. The only way that Adora could possibly describe walking into those mysteries was cold. It took She-Ra’s strength to push her through to the other side and it felt like walking through a wall of ice cold water. Nothing like the waterfall that was in her room in Bright Moon. This sensation made her chest seize up and she’d involuntarily gasp out for air before trying to sort out where exactly she had ended up. The way this invisible rush of weight pushed down on her felt similar to the few times Mermista had managed to hit her with a wave of her own watery powers. 

The next few recollections after that first memory weren’t without their own pain, but she managed to survive. In the back of her mind, Adora had always known that she hadn’t been crying out at night over silly dreams, but to see them unfolding and to realize that it was all real was exhausting.

Hearing a tiny Catra’s screams running down towards their barracks and then watching her being tossed around like a training dummy in Shadow Weaver’s quarters made her nauseous, but the worst part was always watching her former self try to be a hero afterwards. She was realizing now that, in her own little way, Adora had tried to stick up for her friend. Sure, it wasn’t anything like covering for her during a simulation attack or distracting a higher up from noticing Catra’s remarks, but Adora couldn’t remember ever feeling as brave as her younger self appeared to be. It was a little amusing at first, watching the child ball up her fists and puff her chest out to make herself seem bigger, a tactic she learned from growing up in the Horde. Soon though that laughter would turn to bile stuck in the older Adora’s throat as she listened to her caretaker twist her own words against her. Nothing Adora said or did in those moments would be enough to save Catra or to get Shadow Weaver to show even the smallest amount of mercy and she understood this now. Nothing she could have done would have ever been enough. 

“You hurt her!”

“THAT’S ENOUGH!” 

Adora flinched and had to look away when Shadow Weaver yanked on little Adora’s arm. She could feel it happening though, that jolt of movement and the sting of Shadow Weaver’s nails digging into the underside of her upper arm. After taking a deep breath, She-Ra’s arm lifted to reveal four tiny red lines forming right where the pain had been felt. Was her body reliving these as well? 

“So I gave you a promise and then you went out of your way to disobey a direct order. Adora, my dear, what happens to soldiers who don’t follow orders?” Her guardian’s voice mixed with the tightening sensation that had moved from her arm to down around her wrist forced her to look back at what was happening. 

“They get in trouble…” 

“That’s not fair!” Adora yelled out and watched as her words were ignored when the tinier blonde began to cry and beg for Shadow Weaver to hurt her instead. “What else was I supposed to do? I don’t understand!”

She would never get an answer though. There was only a split second of time where Adora reached out to grab the little girl in front of her just as Shadow Weaver reached up towards her face, but she was too late. A blinding flash of light distracted her and once again, ocean blue eyes opened up to the same metal walls of her mind’s making. 

“DAMNIT.” 

She didn’t know what else to do. It was clear now that this process wasn’t working out quite as expected. And now Adora was learning that maybe she had never had a chance when it came to keeping the only promise that mattered to her.

That thought alone was enough to mess with the carefully laid out plan for Adora’s mind. The blonde looked down at herself in confusion as She-Ra’s form seemed to stutter for a second and came back. It was almost a blink and miss thing. For just a split second she was looking down at her much smaller frame and then the muscles and gold trimmed outfit were back just as quickly as they had disappeared. She could practically hear Glimmer and Bow promising that this wasn’t her fault, that she was doing so good, but all she could see was someone who was losing. If she lost She-Ra before she woke up, what would happen then? 

It held out for another memory of a private training from Shadow Weaver. Adora thought she remembered that training ending with her memorizing past battle plans of former force captains, but now this was just one more thing she was wrong about. Her body tensed up as she watched herself pace in front of the doors to the Black Garnet Chamber. The young trainee was trying to figure out just what she had been called to a private meeting for and her feline friend was sitting there watching her pace and trying to calm her down. All that she could pick up from their mutterings was something about a tech test and rumors of a loss near a place called Dryl. Adora almost forgot just how much intel Catra managed to gather for the two of them once she learned how to make her way through the vents. Pretty soon a blast from inside the chamber caused the conversation to cease and Catra slipped away after a quick squeeze of her friend’s hand. 

Entering the Black Garnet Chamber, even if it was just all in her head, was still as chilling as Adora remembered. Following on the heels of her former self, the two blondes made their way right up to where Shadow Weaver starred down at a large book sitting on her podium. 

“Adora,” the way she drew out the last sound made the child straighten up immediately. “I believe there’s something you would like to tell me.” 

So this was about the test? The older girl watched in confusion at the stammering and excuses that seemed to pour out of the tiny, soldier-in-training. There was something about promising to study harder and that Shadow Weaver had every right to be disappointed, if only her guardian would just give her another chance to prove herself. 

“That’s enough,” The older woman sounded tired. “I don’t have time to listen to your excuses, you know better than that. You’re already so much closer than your peers to reaching all of your goals. It’s just so sad to see wasted potential. You have no idea.” 

It was easier to ignore when the glaring eyes looking through the mask weren’t pointed directly at her face. Adora walked around a little bit as she continued to listen in to the conversation. Something had happened in a village near Dryl and now the Horde was without a force captain. She listened to her guardian weave a story about the Horde trying to take in as many children as they could to help out families in the area who were being ignored by the princesses and struck down for their rule breaking. 

Unfortunately, the caretaker’s protege took the story in like it was gospel. Her blue eyes widened and her mouth pulled into a tight lipped frown as Shadow Weaver shared details of the Horde team in charge of that fortress being ambushed by a team of princesses. None of this made sense to She-Ra standing in the corner watching it all happen, until Shadow Weaver got to the end of her story. 

“You see child,” Shadow Weaver reached down to tilt up the small face in front of her. “The only reason we were able to bring back so many survivors and stop the princesses from gaining any of our intel was because the force captain did his job. He stayed behind to make sure the fort was destroyed and even took down enemies with him.” 

“He’s dead.” 

The girl cut right to the point with a quiet whisper and Adora felt sick again. 

“Just imagine,” Shadow Weaver reached down to brush a hair out of young Adora’s face. “He will be remembered as a hero. I think that you could be even greater than him. Prepared and ready to do whatever it took to fight for our cause, what a fantastic force captain you’ll be one day.” 

“Stop it,” Adora shouted out as she stormed up in another attempt to shield her former self. The words were wasted, but she couldn’t hold it in. “How could you ask me to….why would you ask me to do that?!”

“Would I have to do that?” The small voice from behind her made Adora’s heart break.

“You care about us don’t you, Adora? Think of all of us counting on our force captain to step in and save the day. Your teammates would need your help. We all know Catra would be doomed without you.” That got a reaction from the small girl as she took in a sharp breath. “And what about me? After everything I’ve done for you already my dear, don’t you want to be able to do the same for me?” 

“I don’t want anyone to get hurt, but I..”

“But what, Adora?” 

For a second the smaller girl’s wide eyes met Adora’s and soon she felt she was being pulled down towards the child, but She-Ra’s stance never faltered. It was like something in the air around them was squeezing at Adora’s brain until her vision blurred out for a second. Only then when she thought she was opening her own eyes once more, could she feel Shadow Weaver’s bony fingers forcing her chin up to look at her mask and the world around her appeared much larger than it had a second ago. 

“I don’t want to die.” 

Adora could feel her mouth moving and the words coming out, but the voice that said them was much younger. There were tears that she could feel sliding down her face, but the tiny hands that moved to wipe them away didn’t feel like her own. It was only after feeling those small fingers smearing the tears across one cheek that she realized where she was, or rather who she was. She-Ra was gone and Adora was now forced to relive it as herself, just like Catra had warned. 

“Oh my dear,” Shadow Weaver’s words felt cold as she knelt down now to be eye level with her favorite. “I imagine Catra will be quite uncontrollable when she learns that you’d prefer to let her die. Probably for the best if we keep this a secret.” 

Just as in the other memories, Shadow Weaver’s hand came to rest on the side of Adora’s face only for a bright flash to take over the entire space around them. Only this time, she could feel it take place rather than watching from the outside. Shadow Weaver’s magic was a single flame that ignited the stick of dynamite that was Adora’s brain. Her mouth opened to scream, but no sounds came out as the blinding light finally died down and she found herself stranded once more in the corridor. 

Adora was in pain, there was no other way to explain it. Looking down at her body, it was clear that She-Ra was nowhere to be found. Obviously, no She-Ra meant no healing but the girl had no idea just how much she had been relying on the princess of power to get through this process. Now that it was just Adora, her muscles had tensed up and every nerve ending was screaming out for mercy. 

“Please,” Adora gasped out as she tried to slow her breathing and focus her attention on something besides the pain. Her calves screamed out as she used the wall next to her to prop herself back up. “Just a few more.” 

“What’s going on?” 

The voice got Adora’s attention. Any pain she had been feeling before she heard that question was now ignored as she wildly whipped her head around from where she stood, leaned up against the wall of the Crystal Castle. She hadn’t heard any voices out here, only ones from within the memories she was revisiting. But she could have sworn that she just heard..

“Catra,” her attempts to yell barely echoed down the hall, let alone if she was actually talking out loud in her sleep. It was difficult to remember that this was all just happening in her mind when it felt so real. 

“What are you talking about?” 

Could Catra hear her? Was she shouting out into that infirmary or was it all in her head? There wasn’t enough time to consider all the possibilities. From looking down the path she was walking, it was clear that there were still a few doorways left and if she was going to make it to each of them she needed She-Ra. 

“Okay...please, please you have to do this,” Adora murmured to herself as she struggled to take a few steps forward. “You have to come back. I can’t do this without you. I’m just not…I mean I won’t be….please don’t let me do this alone.” 

Her foot slipped out from under her and she found herself beginning to fall forwards, but she was able to stop herself before it was too late. However, in the process of stopping herself from falling she hadn’t considered the pain that would burn through her body. The sensation made her gasp out as she attempted to stop herself from moving anymore and find a comfortable position.

“Come on!” Adora was past trying to stay calm and tears began to sting at the corner of her eyes. “You have to get this done! She’s still here….you know she is. If we just get this done then maybe she’ll be there when I wake up. Maybe...maybe I’ll get the chance to tell her goodbye. If she really needs to leave then I just….I want to say goodbye.” 

She must have said something right because the next thing Adora knew a familiar warm glow seemed to spring from her chest and move outwards until she was covered in light for just a moment. This wasn’t the first time she had been grateful to see She-Ra, but it was probably the most relieving. It hadn’t gone unnoticed that the pain she had been feeling earlier wasn’t completely gone, but it had settled now into a low, dull ache that Adora found would be easier to ignore.

“Thank you,” Adora whispered to whichever part of her mind housed She-Ra and ran her fingers along the gold cuffs on one wrist before walking towards the next doorway. 

Now She-Ra walked down a familiar path to the training gym following after a stupidly proud preteen version of herself. She remembered this, at least, this walk anyways. Her scores in her classes had been good enough that Shadow Weaver said she was ready to move up to junior cadet status. This meant more hand-to-hand combat training and simulations. She was so ready to prove herself prepared for a real battle. But as Adora tried to figure out what that said about her, the young girl stopped and let out a gasp at something happening in a connecting hallway. 

This was different. Adora always thought she walked straight into the training room. Instead, the child pressed herself close to the metal wall as she tipped her head out to continue watching something while Adora stood there confused. Finally, Adora bent down to follow her younger self’s intense gaze. When she landed on the object of her attention, her blood turned cold. 

It was something she wasn’t meant to see. Even in a twisted way, it seemed obvious to Adora why she wouldn’t be allowed to remember this. The future junior cadet was just trying to get to training early to make a good impression. She was doing what Shadow Weaver told her to, but no one had told her how to ignore strange behavior. Or at least, the ten year old found it strange to see two women embracing in a way she had never seen before and pressing their lips to one another’s like one was trying desperately to save the other’s life. There were no words for that action in the small blonde’s mind, but the older Adora knew better. She also knew better when she watched the larger purple girl push her companion away in desperation when they all heard the sound of a familiar voice coming into view and demanding to know what was happening. 

“How dare you!” Shadow creatures slipped out from their guardian’s sleeves and spun their way through the air, gripping tightly onto the purple girl’s long white ponytail and keeping the other girl frozen in her shocked state against the wall. 

“Have you no shame? If Lord Hordak were to hear about this insubordination it would be a one way ticket to Beast Island.” 

Adora looked down at the small gasp that came from the figure next to her. She had almost forgotten that her younger self was there, but she wasn’t surprised by the reaction to the mention of Beast Island. Just the words alone had been enough to fuel the small girl’s nightmares for years after hearing all the stories. 

“Please you can’t,” Shadow Weaver’s magic allowed the other girl to talk from where she stood, pressed up against the wall. “It won’t happen again...we promise.” 

Back then, Adora could only imagine what she had thought was going on between the two soldiers when those words were spoken. Now it was all too clear from the way both of them tried to avoid eye contact and blink away any tears that might slip out. They were being forced to break their own hearts.

“Oh I know it won’t happen again,” Shadow Weaver’s minions released the larger girl’s ponytail and Adora’s caretaker moved over closer to the one still trapped in her magic. “It’ll be rather hard for you two to go on with these distractions and little displays of affection when one of you isn’t even here. Lord Hordak will be pleased though, he’s been looking for one more member to add to his Crimson Waste scouting team.” 

Shadow Weaver laughed as the first girl screamed out and tried to put herself in front of her partner, but it was too late. Her magic pulled the girl off the side of the wall and whisked her away, probably to sit in a cell until the scouting team was sent off, and Adora had watched it all. 

“I’ll get her back if it’s the last damn thing I do,” the other soldier said before glaring down her superior and storming off in the direction of both She-Ra and her former self. The younger Adora had begun panicking immediately and ran out into view of the hallway just in time to bump into the purple girl. 

“Watch where you’re going blondie,” she snapped before charging past her and into the training gym. 

“Ignore her child,” Shadow Weaver glided over to offer a helping hand to her young ward sitting on the floor. “One day she’ll thank us for this.” 

“But I….I didn’t do anything.”

All it took was hearing that laugh again for She-Ra’s powers to disappear for the final time. Small, tear filled blue eyes stared up at their older counterpart and once more that pulling sensation seemed to reach up past She-Ra’s tiara, into her mind, and forced Adora back into the mind and body of her younger self. This time though she really was that former preteen self. There was no worry about getting She-Ra back. The princess of power no longer existed. 

“Adora, if you hadn’t been here I wouldn’t have known to come this way. Think about it. I only came down that hall to make sure you were prepared for your first day of training and here I find the perfect opportunity to teach you another lesson. They were just distracting one another my dear, ignoring their true potential to wallow in their feelings. Letting the Horde down with every second wasted on one another. You must never let that happen to you. It would be best tostay away from those who would try to distract you that way.” 

“But,” a whimper escaped Adora’s lips as thin fingers gripped her shoulder tighter and nails began to push down into her skin. “They didn’t look like they were hurting each other.” 

“Oh Adora,” the hand that had been holding her in place now slid up to brush back a strand of hair that fell out of her ponytail. “How wrong you are.” 

Pain. That was the only thing she could focus on when she found herself back in the metal corridor once more. Pain seemed to explode out of each corner and crevice of her being at this point and somehow she knew it was pointless trying to beg She-Ra to come back. A small part of her found comfort in the idea that maybe none of this was really happening anyways, she was asleep after all. Still, she couldn’t help but feel like she was letting down the people that had tried to help her. They had all worked so hard to find a way for this to be done safely and when they had discovered that She-Ra’s magic had been the key to weakening those mental barriers it had been their big miracle. Now, they had put in all this effort to make it as comfortable as possible and Adora couldn’t even hold up her end of the bargain. She was letting everyone down, just like she always did. 

It hit Adora just then how very true that was, now that she was beginning to remember everything. She had watched herself cower in corners and avoid her responsibilities several times. There was that moment when she tried to find loopholes in the rules and it only ended in her best friend being hurt. Or the time when she had made poor excuses and admitted her fears only to realize that it meant allowing her friends to die for her. Adora didn’t even want to think about the two soldiers she had just watched lose each other all because she couldn’t just do what she was told. If there was ever a chance to find them and help them, she knew she’d have to do it. She owed them that much. 

Just then Adora thought she could hear another voice, but not like Catra’s from before. It still sounded familiar but more urgent and panicked. With barely any energy to move from where she sat on the floor, all Adora could do was listen as that voice tried to coax her into moving forward. It kept saying how close she was and how soon it would all be over, that there were friends waiting for her to open her eyes but she had to do this first. 

“I don’t think I can do this anymore,” her voice raspy, “I’m so tired.” 

Clearly she wasn’t talking out loud because the person kept saying how proud they were of her and how they knew she was strong enough to do this. Although she wanted to give up, Adora knew it would be impossible to do. She couldn’t let this person down. They were counting on her. 

“I won’t make it.”

Adora had gotten as far as rolling over onto her stomach and attempting to push herself back up into standing position before she knew it was pointless. Lying there, face down on the floor, she considered how much more effort it would take to crawl down the hall instead of trying to walk. Finally though, she lifted herself up to begin her crawl only to find the next doorway had presented itself to her on the right side of the hall. She tried to be grateful, but all she could think about was what was on the other side and knowing that she had no choice but to lose herself in it, rather than watching it. That made it that much more terrifying. 

“Just…just get it over,” Adora said to herself and grimaced as she slowly crawled over until the doorway seemed to suck her in. There were a few seconds where everything went numb and it was like she no longer existed, but it didn’t last long. 

It was almost like she had blinked and completely missed it, but it didn’t matter. There were a few seconds of groggy confusion as the darkness in front of her slowly morphed into a familiar training locker room. Her body turned on its own and Adora found herself facing a familiar mop of brown hair and a smirk that always made her heart beat just a little bit faster. The sound of her best friend’s voice, talking about a meeting, became clearer as her mind seemed to snap back into the new reality in front of her. Soon, like it was a line off a script she was forced to read, she found herself throwing her arms forward in a friendly shove and shouting at Catra.

“I told you to stop doing that because you’re going to get caught!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EEEEEEEEEk okay then so that's done. I hope you liked and I hope it made sense. In my mind it did but I mean.....that's not saying a lot. Sometimes I can feel myself getting super stressed about this and I have to remind myself that I'm doing this as a personal hobby and FOR FUN. 
> 
> I will say that after doing this specific chapter I am considering making a series of stories just going into detail of each memory just because I feel like they were a bit glazed over with the way the story needed to move forward. Also, not ALL memories were mentioned. There are a couple more I'm saving to bring up later.


	14. Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Catra and Adora had a specific memory taken away by Shadow Weaver. This is Adora's side of that story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hello there, I strongly suggest going back and reading chapter 5 as that chapter is Catra's POV of this memory while this is Adora's. Also, this ended up being a LOT longer and a lot more detailed than I orginally planned but I'm pretty proud of it. However, we do need to go over some warnings. 
> 
> Warnings: There is quite a bit of violence and blood mentioned in this chapter specifically one section in particular. When the heavier scene begins I have placed three lines to show when it begins and then another three lines where it ends. Also there are descriptions of physical and emotional abuse as well as manipulation.

“I told you to stop doing that because you’re going to get caught!” 

Adora knew her friend well enough from their sparring matches together to prepare for a counter attack and she couldn’t help smiling when she was proven right. It took just a quick shuffle of her feet to move out of Catra’s way. Was that surprise on her face? Maybe now she’d stop nagging Adora for doing so many extra sparring sessions on their own time. 

For just a second, Adora worried that maybe she had taken it too far. Maybe she should have stayed put and let Catra have her moment of fun, that wouldn’t have been so hard. But then, as she looked over to see Catra down on all fours and still staring up at her with wide eyes, she couldn’t help but laugh. It was even better when Adora noticed her tail lay down flat and her ears twitched slightly at the noise. Crisis averted. 

The future force captain took a second to really look at her friend as she stood up next to her. Her hair looked wild, poking out in all directions behind the small mask that kept it from getting in her eyes. At one time, Adora had tried to convince her to put it up in a ponytail like hers, but when Catra tried stretching the hair band out with her claws to fit around her hair it snapped and that was that. She wasn’t sure how long the mask had been around, but now she couldn’t imagine Catra fighting alongside her without it. 

Now looking in those familiar blue and yellow eyes, Adora felt a small pang in her chest when she couldn’t help the feeling that something was off. Catra had been upset about her trying to protect her best friend in the simulation and now she’s openly trying to discuss things that she wasn’t even supposed to know. The blonde’s protective nature desperately wanted to kick in and demand that Catra be safer about what she said, but she knew that Catra didn’t need a reminder of what could happen if she was caught. 

“Catra?” Adora knew she finally had the girl’s attention when she looked down to see her hand, with claws put away, was reaching out to squeeze her own. “Th-this is important, Catra.” 

Adora paused as she tried to find the right words to say. This never happened to her best friend, the brunette always had the sharpest remark or wittiest reply right on the tip of her tongue and Adora could only ever watch with a sense of dread or wonder. Not her though, Adora’s words always seemed to be jumbled up in her head and never came out right. It’s why she used her guardian’s final words on the matter to explain it all to her friend now.

“She said I’m going to be the only cadet in the hall with all of the force captains. It’s an honor and I only have one chance.” Did that make sense? Catra didn’t look very pleased with it. Except now, Adora was too busy imagining their big plans together. They were going to go out, finally see the world, and make it safe for the two of them. She had to keep her end of their promise after all. “Think about it! Going to the meeting and us getting that new score together, they’re bound to make us force captains in no time!” 

“You mean bound to make you a force captain.” 

Not this again. Adora let out a sigh, but it was cut short by a hand pulling away from hers and then she watched as the other girl moved to sit on the bench right across from their lockers. Now she was avoiding her. It was easy to tell from the way that Catra was averting her eyes and refusing to look up from where she stared down at her feet, even when the blonde slowly moved to sit next to her. Maybe if Adora wasn’t so bad at explaining this then she wouldn’t have ruined the fun moment they were just having a few seconds ago. She just didn’t know how to make Catra see that this was all so they could stay together, to get them one step closer to their dream. If Adora could do it for both them, then surely it was worth it right?

“Catra, you know I’ll demand that you’re on my team. I’m not going into any battle with any dumb princesses without you by my side. Force captain or not…...we look after each other.” 

“Just go,” Catra muttered, “have fun at your dumb meeting. They’ll probably just hand over your force captain badge as soon as you get in the room.”

She’d only made it worse. Adora knew that now and that all too familiar guilty feeling was back, sinking low into her chest like some kind of infection. The future force captain knew she had to get going if she was going to be outside her guardian’s chambers in time, but she had to make one more attempt. Slowly she reached out for Catra’s hand and she was sure the feline knew what she meant. The little squeeze of each other’s hand could happen anytime they needed it, just to show the other that they were there. This little signal was supposed to solve everything. Feeling her friend’s hand grip hers for just a second was enough to lighten that guilty burden sitting in her heart and Adora was able to get up and walk away with a smile. All she had to do was impress Shadow Weaver once more and Adora would have their ticket to a new life in her grasp.  
___

“Do you understand?”

The question cut through Adora’s daydream like a dagger and she could feel her whole body jerk into attention as she turned to face her guardian. Even with the mask, it was clear that Shadow Weaver was aware of what her shining student had really been doing. 

“Adora-” 

“I’m sorry, Shadow Weaver.” The only time Adora dared cut the woman off was for an apology. “There’s just so much to think about and consider...I know I’m ready. I won’t fail you.” 

“I have no fear of that happening,” a hand came up to rest just under the girl’s chin and gently tipped it up. “You know better than to let any mistakes crop up, especially when there’s so much at risk.” 

It was a compliment, but Adora recognized the message laying underneath Shadow Weaver’s words of praise. Don’t mess this up. Whatever punishment had been used in the past would be nothing compared to what would happen if this went wrong. The blonde promised herself that she’d keep that silent message tucked away to remember. She didn’t want to chance forgetting and run the risk of anything happening. 

“I’m ready,” Adora repeated. She hadn’t realized that she was holding her breath until Shadow Weaver’s hand disappeared from under her chin as she walked away to look at something on her podium.

“It’s time you understand just what all goes into being a force captain. I’ve trained you and done everything I possibly can so that you would even be considered for this position and now it’s time that you prove to Lord Hordak that there’s no risk in choosing you.” 

The doubt behind those words didn’t go unnoticed. Did Shadow Weaver really think there would be anything that would cause Lord Hordak to question Adora’s ability? Almost immediately, slow motion replays of all the most recent scrimmages, sparring challenges, and simulation attacks replayed through her mind as she searched for any errors. She couldn’t think of any issue that stood out, but knew that if given the time to really comb through all of her actions then there’d be a glaring mistake that could easily be pointed out. Hopefully, Shadow Weaver wouldn’t end up being the one to find it.

A few minutes later, Adora found herself following behind the second-in-command as they made their way down the hall towards Hordak’s meeting room. A few times she made eye contact with older force captains and their faces would hold a look of confusion for a second. Then, they’d glance over at the woman she stood next to and soon the confusion would turn into a mixture of disgust and a smirk. It was like they knew something the senior cadet didn’t and they were all just waiting for the pieces to be put together.

“That’s enough.” 

Hissed into her ear, Adora felt herself tense up when Shadow Weaver’s mask slipped into her peripheral, but it got her to focus. She had nearly walked into her guardian as the older woman stopped near the edge of the stairs that led up to Hordak’s throne. It wasn’t easy to keep her arms plastered to her sides, but the fear of being called out for her nervous habit of pinching and picking at her fingers helped her ignore the itching sensation running up and down her arms. There were also people to look around at when Adora finally noticed how large the group around her was. She recognized all of the force captains, but also noticed quite a few soldiers that had been given assignments over the last year. Looking around at all the facial expressions, it was clear that no one was exactly thrilled to be there. Nearly every force captain now seemed to awkwardly shuffle around and murmur to one another while the few soldiers that were standing near the room entrance looked tired. Adora watched their movements to see if she could determine who would fall from exhaustion first and who would be able to fight it off until the end of the meeting. What was going on here? 

It was the sound of a door being closed that silenced the room. The large metal door slid over to trap everyone in the large space and now the only sound that could be heard was the soft buzzing of machinery in the background. Then after a few minutes, Adora’s ears began to pick up the sound of heavy breathing coming from the direction of the door. 

“They’re ready, Lord Hordak.” Shadow Weaver’s voice was like a string that pulled Adora back into position and she could feel her muscles tighten up into the perfect posture. Good timing too, as Lord Hordak was beginning to walk down the stairs from his throne to stand in front of his prized Horde soldiers.

“Bring them forward,” he said. 

Slowly, three figures began to walk up from the back of the hushed chamber. Well, two of them were walking, but it seemed that the final person was being dragged along with them. When they finally got close enough to be seen in the dim lighting, it took everything in Adora not to gasp out at the sight in front of her. She had been right in assuming that the third stranger wasn’t walking forward. Two force captains, one the cadet recognized as Octavia, had a hold of a soldier’s upper arms and were forcibly dragging this person up towards Lord Hordak. The soldier, dressed only in their general day clothes, looked like they would fall if there weren’t people holding them up. Their clothes were dirty and torn in some places. Several small wounds littered their arms and Adora could tell that they hadn’t been cleaned yet. It was almost as if they had been scraped right off the battlefield and dragged in, but the glowing green emitting from the cuffs on their hands told everyone that this person had just been brought in from one of the prison cells. 

When the small group finally made it over to stand in front of Hordak, Octavia gave a nod and both force captains immediately let go of the soldier, watching them fall to the ground. They both stayed though and walked around slowly to stand on either side of their commanding officer. 

“What you see before you,” Lord Hordak said, “is a traitor. Someone who thought they were better than our cause, could do better than our cause, and decided to destroy years worth of work all because -” 

“Stop.” 

Adora could have heard a pin drop after the traitor decided to interrupt. The silence seemed to suck the air out of the room and everyone standing at attention didn’t dare move. Shadow Weaver’s reaction to the soldier attempting to interrupt their own trial was swift though. A familiar red glow seeped through the room quickly and the blonde watched as the guilty party was now encased in their own silent cage. 

“I’m sure you all have heard the rumors about our team near Salineas.” Lord Hordak nodded towards the back of the room and the other soldiers that Adora had noticed earlier quickly stepped forward to acknowledge their leader before stepping back into line. 

“Those soldiers trusted that their fellow team member would have their back and would help keep them safe. Unfortunately, we all trusted in the wrong person, but that’s a mistake that will not be repeated. The best we can do now is make sure that this never happens again. What do you have to say for yourself?” 

As Hordak finished speaking, he gave a nod to his second in command who then quickly brought her magic away from the face of the prisoner. 

“I-I couldn’t do it anymore,” the voice gave Adora chills. It sounded like someone who had already given up. “Watching it day after day, it was wrong! People were dying and it was our fault! We all knew that.” 

“Lives lost can be terrible,” Shadow Weaver cut in, looking up to meet Adora’s shocked face. “But we also know those people chose their side and they decided to stand by while princesses have abused their powers for years.”

“We didn’t have to kill them,” the soldier muttered and looked down at the floor. “They weren’t doing anything but just trying to live their own lives. We had to be stopped.” 

They were killing people. The Horde was killing them, innocent people. Adora’s mind couldn’t make sense of the words spoken just a moment before. All her life she had known that sacrifices had to be made. Sometimes a training coach went away to help with a mission and just never came back. That’s how life worked during a war, but what this stranger was saying sounded completely different. 

“Those who don’t support the cause are against us,” Adora didn’t need to look up to know that her guardian’s eyes were still fixed on her. She could feel those eyes bearing down on her like a ton of weights.

“Let’s not waste time,” Lord Hordak’s voice cut in and was met with the full attention of the room. “Captains, Octavia will begin and then you all will follow behind. Every soldier is your equal responsibility and they all look to you for an example. Be that example now and take this warning back to your teams. We do not tolerate any form of treason in the Horde.” 

As their leader turned to talk to Shadow Weaver and then left, the crowd in the room immediately sprang into action. Soldiers near the doors now lined across the clearing that had been made previously to look forward at the prisoner still on their knees in front of the throne, while all of the force captains walked over to one side to stand in a group behind Octavia. There was so much going on around her that Adora almost missed Shadow Weaver making her way over to nudge the cadet towards the group of force captains. 

“It’s time,” she said. “Hordak will approve your movement in rank, as well as your team, after this ceremony. You should make sure you pay attention because your group will need to know what’s at stake for you and for all of them, especially Catra.” 

“I don’t understand. What’s supposed to hap-”

“That’s enough.” The hand gripping the back of her neck told Adora that questions were no longer an option. “This is one small matter to take care of and then you get everything you’ve been working for. All of these questions are just a waste of our efforts.” 

Even if she wanted to consider one, Adora knew that there were no options left. She gave a small nod to keep from tearing her skin on Weaver’s nails and felt that iron grip release her. As she walked over to stand a few feet behind the other force captains, two of them walked forward and forced the soldier up to their feet again and kept a hold of each arm. It was obvious that this was being done to keep them standing and to keep them from running away. Both captains stood facing out to where the other soldiers shifted uncomfortably, but left the traitor facing Hordak’s throne.  
_________________________  
_______________________________________  
________________________

“The more you fight it, the worse it has to be.” Octavia’s words came out with a hint of a laugh as she walked back a few paces. “Try not to move too much. I’d hate to miss.” 

There wasn’t much time for Adora to try and put the pieces together before Octavia shifted her right foot forward so that her body turned just slightly to the left. The top tentacle on her right side stretched so that it was laying straight out for a second. A smirk formed as the force captain shook it out one last time before raising it back and quickly bringing it back around. 

CRACK

Adora was absolutely sure that she’d continue to hear that sound in her nightmares for years to come. She could only stand there in shock, with her fists shoved into her pants pockets, as a flash of green reached up and around before making contact with the back of the prisoner. The reaction was instantaneous when Octavia’s appendage met its mark and the force captains were forced to do their job and hold up the defector as their legs gave out. A red streak running from the soldier’s right shoulder down to their left hip appeared mere seconds later and the pieces of torn shirt around it began to turn red as well. 

CRACK 

It never occurred to the blonde to watch for another wind up, but Octavia already unleashed another damaging whip at the soldier who looks like they’re clinging onto their jailors for dear life. Their shirt is now barely clinging onto shoulder muscles and stuck in places where it had begun to soak up the blood seeping out of the fresh wounds. 

“I don’t want to take up all the time we have,” Octavia said and she nodded to the two force captains holding up the traitor as she walked over towards where Adora and a few other captains still stood. “Besides,” she smirked, “we have a new captain who needs a turn. I’d hate for her to miss out.” 

Adora refused to acknowledge the comments as she stared forward at the scene in front of her, but Octavia clearly wasn’t done. The larger woman stayed standing next to the blonde and only got closer as everyone watched the prisoner being forced down onto their knees by one captain. The other, who had been previously holding them up, now stood in front of them and used one hand to tip their face up into the dim light. 

“I hear congratulations are in order.” 

Octavia’s voice in Adora’s ear does nothing to muffle the sound of a fist making contact with the fugitive’s face. It doesn’t block out the cry of pain or obstruct the   
view of blood now dripping onto the chamber floors.

“It’s an honor.” 

The words are so rehearsed that Adora doesn’t even have to think about saying them, it just comes out. It’s a good thing too because she’s much too busy trying to comprehend and digest what’s happening in front of her. Though, there must be some sort of struggle in her voice because Octavia snorts at her reply. She doesn’t look over at the force captain. She can’t. Instead, she focuses on the wall on the other side of the chamber. Another captain has switched out to take their turn, but the prisoner has no one to hold them up any more. 

“Sure,” Octavia says and nudges Adora forward with push to her back. “Unless someone screws it up for you. I’d hate to imagine how much more difficult this would be if...well nevermind.” 

“If what?” 

Adora knew that Octavia was only trying to egg her on. If the Horde had taught them anything it was to find weaknesses and exploit them, but Adora also learned how to hide her fear well. It never made sense to waste time on showing it. 

“It’s your turn.”

Adora feels Octavia grip onto her arm and force her forward closer to where the soldier is now laying in a fetal position on the floor. Their breathing is raspy and it’s clear that the movement of their chest is almost too painful for them to bear. Octavia doesn’t pay any attention to those signs though as she pushes Adora out in front of them before kneeling down and jerking the prisoner up into a seated position. The blonde can see where blood from their face has now smeared onto Octavia’s hand and her stomach clenches up at the sight. 

“Come on,” Octavia’s hands forced the fugitive to sit up straighter and the sudden movement caused Adora to take a jerky step backwards. “We wouldn’t want to disappoint anyone now would we?” 

Adora hated that she was so easily swayed by those words. Her hands, still balled up into fists, slip slowly out of the pockets on the sides of her pants. 

“It’ll be over quick,” Octavia said, “and just think, after today Shadow Weaver won’t have to be the one to punish your little friend anymore. That’s what you want right?” 

Adora can feel her body slowly go numb starting with her hands. It all plays out in her mind as she stands there staring down at her future. Catra with her hands cuffed kneeling in front of her and the other force captains as Lord Hordak reads off some small mistake as a huge tragedy. Adora will be standing there, next to Shadow Weaver, trying to figure out how she could have let this happen. The rest of her teammates will be standing off to the side, trying to get Kyle to stop sniffling because he knows what’s coming. They all do. Then Adora will have to stand out here once more, stare down the only person that makes her feel safe, and try to figure out how to hurt Catra enough so that no one else will be allowed to touch her, but not hurt her at all. Catra will probably laugh too and tell Adora to stop thinking and just follow orders because that’s what she’s good at. Nobody will try to stop her and that’s the part that makes her sick. 

__________________________  
___________________________________________  
__________________________

“No.” 

It’s quiet when she says it. Octavia immediately began to laugh, but Adora didn’t take any time to focus on reactions. She immediately turned and ran toward the entryway that had opened once the beating began. There’s laughter behind her and someone shouts out something, but all of it is muffled in Adora’s head as her legs push her further away from the situation. 

Was she going to do it? Was she actually going to beat that person? Is that what she had been training for her whole life for? These questions raced through her head as images of the violence kept playing out in her mind. The sound of Octavia’s appendage, turned whip, cracking as it flashed across a white shirt that soon turned red. Jeers from the other captains as one pulled his leg back to kick it into the prisoner’s side. Blood dripped from their nose as they looked up at Adora through swollen eyelids. There hadn’t even been any fear in those eyes as they looked up at the cadet, they were just trying to wait it out by that point. She couldn’t deal with this right now. In fact, Adora didn’t know if she’d ever be able to process it. 

When she finally took a second to look around her, the blonde realized that she had run straight back to her barracks. While she was too busy trying to determine what had just happened, her reflexes had kicked in and must have tried to get her somewhere safe. But looking down at her hands now, hands that nearly did gods know what to a stranger, Adora realized she wasn’t really safe. She’d just run out of the most important meeting of her life, or at least that’s what Shadow Weaver had kept saying beforehand. 

Shadow Weaver knew. 

It dawned on Adora just then and she was finally able to put the pieces together. Shadow Weaver knew what was coming. Her caretaker had known and had planned it all out, which meant that she had wanted Adora to follow through on the task. However, that meant that she had probably been watching the cadet the whole time and had probably seen her panic at the last second and run away. The blonde’s hands shook uncontrollably as she looked down at them. She was going to be in so much trouble. 

Again, her body kicked into autopilot and she spun around to run over to the doors. It wasn’t much, but maybe it would buy her some time. Time for what exactly, she didn’t know. After the doors were pulled shut the only thing she could think to do with her time was to hide. Her bed was the only option available and it was the closest. She didn’t feel safe until every part of her was tucked under the blanket and then finally she cried. Nothing outside of that blanket existed as she finally let it all out, but then in the middle of it she was mentally yelling at herself to stop. After all, she wasn’t the one who had gotten hurt was she? She didn’t know what to do. 

“Adora my dear there’s nothing to be afraid of, please come out.”

The voice makes her want to retch, but Adora doesn’t because she can’t tell from the sound if the woman is angry or not. A slender hand reached under the blanket, fingers bent upward as if to ask, as if she had a choice whether or not to follow those orders. Quietly, she grabbed the hand and slowly pushed the blanket back to reveal herself to her caretaker. A few tears still manage to fall before she can wipe them away and she can feel the coarse fabric of her blanket twisting between her hands. Just from the way that her guardian is looming over the bed tells the blonde that she’s not happy with her. She’s made mistakes before, but not like this.

“I’m sorry Shadow Weaver,” she says, still refusing to look up. “I was a coward. It was stupid of me and….and I won’t do it again.”

“Oh my dear sweet child,” a whimper slips out as a hand reaches down to brush blonde hair out of her face. Adora would have done anything to move away from that touch. “I’m glad that you understand and I know you’ll do better next time. After all, one day they’ll need someone else up there to take charge.”

“NO,” this time she looks up to see Shadow Weaver standing over her bed. The blood, the sounds, the wounds. It’s all replaying in her mind. “I can’t do th-that. Please there must be some mistake. I...I’m going to be a force captain not….not that.” 

“Oh Adora that’s what only the best force captains do. They take charge of their soldiers, lead them to victory, and help them take responsibility for their actions.” 

“Not like that,” she grabs Shadow Weaver’s hand between hers. “Please I can’t….I’m not ready. I won’t do it!.” 

Her guardian’s hand brushes up the side of her face and reflexes cause her to lean into it. As she does this, Adora hates to admit it but something about the movement makes her feel better. A calm just washes over her and she’s too tired to fight it. Suddenly everything starts to feel warm, it’s nice, and she can feel her muscles relaxing. It’s getting warmer…..it’s too warm. Adora’s hand flails out for a second as she tries to pull Shadow Weaver off of her. Something’s wrong. She feels a prickling sensation by her ears. Suddenly the prickling feels like a stab to the head, her vision goes red, and that comforting warmth has turned into a heat that seems to choke out any air in the room.

“Hey idiot, it’s time to wake up.” 

Adora could hear the sounds of things being moved near her, but the world around her cot didn’t really come into focus until she heard Catra’s voice. Now she could begin to register just how heavy her body felt and how her head seemed to have this never ending pulse of pain that spread through her brain in waves. 

“Just give me a second….headache. I’ll be fine.”

“No.” Something heavy landed on the bed near where Adora’s legs were curled up under the blanket. “You need to wake up now and we need to go.” 

The order got Adora’s attention, as did the tone of Catra’s voice. The blonde sat up quickly, but stopped for a second as she fought off a dizzy feeling before she started ruffling through the items that Catra’s thrown into her bag. Why is Catra packing their stuff like they have an off-base mission to leave for? Was there something in the timing round instructions that she missed? 

“Go,” Adora was confused, “we’re not going anywhere today are we? I could have sworn all we had today was that third timing round. I’m not forgetting anything am I?”

When Catra’s bag dropped to the ground, Adora couldn’t help but flinch just slightly at the sudden noise. The sound wasn’t going to help the headache, but there was no point in trying to find some kind of pain relief. No matter, it wouldn’t be the first time Adora had dealt with a headache during a timed strategy round. Good thing she had already spent the last couple of weeks preparing for it. Sure her teammates thought it was a little over the top, but the cadet knew they wouldn’t be able to understand the nauseous feeling that gnawed at her insides until she came up with any and all possible plans.

“Adora….we already did the training round.” Catra’s voice cut through her thoughts. “We did that and then you left for a force captain meeting.” 

As soon as she said it, Adora felt sick. No one was supposed to know she was going to that. Shadow Weaver had made her promise not to say a word about it to anyone. Consequences had been a promise if it slipped out.

“How did you hear about that?” 

Catra looked scared. It might have been awhile since she had seen it, but Adora would have recognized that look on her face any time. She wanted to stand up and wrap Catra in a hug, but something about the way that the feline was looking at her told the blonde that maybe she was the problem. Something about Adora seemed to terrify her best friend.

“Adora,” Catra sat down and took Adora’s hand in hers, “you already went to the force captain meeting. You were gone for hours and then…” Adora watched, her eyebrows scrunched together as mismatched eyes seemed to check her face for something that obviously wasn’t there. “You ran back in here and Shadow Weaver came in after you. She did something, I don’t know what it was, but you fell right to sleep. Please Adora...how about we just go walk around for a bit?” 

“Catra no,” Adora set her bag on the floor. It was too much information all at once. How did Catra know about the force captains meeting? What was this about Shadow Weaver doing something to her? Her gut instinct was to ask what they had done wrong, but she couldn’t even remember what they would have done. “I don’t get it. I don’t remember any of this. Th-the round with the bots, the meeting, and you said I ran away from Shadow Weaver? No this doesn’t make sense.” Catra squeezed her friend’s hand gently, trying to bring her back to the present. Adora looked down at it for a second before her eyes darted to the two bags still packed on the floor.

“I don’t know Adora. But please let’s just go and get some air and we’ll figure it out. I promise.” 

“No no no.” Adora wasn’t listening anymore, she couldn’t. None of this was adding up and the way that Catra was talking only made the blonde feel crazier. Why could she know about all this and remember stuff that Adora could swear hadn’t even happened yet? Her nails digging into her skin and stinging her palms were the only things keeping her from tumbling over the edge. “There has to be a better explanation. I was probably just nervous or something and she wanted to make sure I didn’t ruin my chances...she knows I can get-”

“ADORA.”   
Adora jumped and immediately stood up a little straighter as Catra’s irritation with her seemed to grow.

“She. Did. This. To. You. I don’t know what it was, but it was bad. Would you please just this once listen to me? Just let me help.” 

The silence that followed seemed to suffocate them both for a moment. It was the way that Catra asked Adora to let her help that convinced the future force captain that maybe she was onto something. Catra never usually asked first, she just did whatever and Adora would try to figure it all out along the way, but not this time. For some reason, it also bothered Adora that her friend felt like she had to convince the blonde to do something. Hadn’t they made a promise to help each other no matter what? Catra was clearly ready to run to the ends of Etheria for her, why couldn’t she just believe her?

“....okay,” Adora said quietly. “Just...just for a few minutes and then we’ll figure out what to do from there okay?”

But they wouldn’t get that chance.

“Adora I tried to tell you this would happen one day.” Shadow Weaver made her presence known rather quickly. Catra tried to reach out and pull Adora back onto the bed, but their guardian’s shadow minions were too quick for the both of them. The blonde could only watch in fear as familiar terrors grabbed at Catra and pulled her down to the floor. It looked like they were trying to smother her as the woman reached over and jerked Adora over to her side. The nails digging into the skin of her upper arm were a silent warning. Stay quiet and maybe this will be over quickly. 

“I had really hoped that letting you play around in those vents would be enough to keep you entertained and out of the way.” Shadow Weaver reached over with her other hand to gently nudge Adora’s chin to turn to face her mask. “It’s such a shame Adora had to pick a companion that would be willing to undo all of her hard work. All the time and energy I put into helping her.” Shadow Weaver’s grip on Adora’s face was unyielding and when the girl would try to jerk her head away, her guardian only held on tighter. There would surely be a bruise around the edge of her jawline later.

“So you did do something,” Catra gasped. Adora could hear her friend struggling to fight, but she couldn’t do anything. Whether it was magic or fear that had locked up all the muscles in her body, the blonde was stuck and all she could do was listen. “I’ll fix it. She’ll be fine. We’ll be okay.”

“Oh Catra. We both know you can’t really do anything here.” 

When Shadow Weaver released her grip on Adora, the cadet struggled to keep herself from falling down. She would have tripped too if it wasn’t for the large red enclosure that stopped her from going anywhere. Adora froze as she waited for the pain to start, but it never came. It wasn’t until she opened her eyes once more and saw Catra’s lips moving that she realized she couldn’t hear anything. Their guardian was going to force her to watch in silence. 

“I warned you, Adora. Over and over again I tried to help you and this is how you repay me? Letting this….filth convince you to leave after everything I’ve given you?” She can hear Weaver speaking, but all of her attention seems to be focused on the brunette. The sound of that witch’s voice seemed to echo from the inside of Adora’s mind as the older woman yanked Catra’s head back towards her by the scruff of her neck. “Didn’t I warn you what would happen to her if you couldn’t keep her under control?” 

“Please, she was just worried! It was something wrong with me, she had nothing to do with it.” 

Adora knew that she was saying something. Hell, she could feel herself forcing the air out as she yelled at the top of her lungs. Yet, no sounds came out. All she could hear was Shadow Weaver and her own breathing.

Catra’s head dropped slightly when the older woman let go of her neck. It looked like the two of them were talking, but Adora couldn’t tell what was going on. She could only watch in horror as Catra made an attempt to fight off the onslaught of shadows that were trying to pin her to the floor.

“Please, stop. I’ll do better I swear.” 

“This is for your own good, Adora. If you can’t manage the problem on your own, then it’s time I take care of it.”

The shadows continued to wrap themselves around Catra’s limbs, hang off her shoulders, and wrap themselves around her neck as Adora’s vision got blurry from holding back tears. If she had just said no to her, then would Catra still be fighting for her life? Finally the feline’s body crashed to the floor when it seemed that Catra had become too tired to fight. A pair of mismatched eyes looked up at the blonde from their place on the floor. They weren’t glaring up at her with anger, but instead it looked like Catra was preparing to watch her die instead of the other way around.

“Come on now I’m sure if this all really meant something to you...if she mattered at all you would have tried harder right?” 

Shadow Weaver reached through her magical barrier and caressed the side of Adora’s face as the young girl tried not to shake while she stood there. Those bright blue eyes refused to look anywhere but straight ahead of her, like Adora’s own little protest against what was happening to her.

“Catra,” finally she could hear herself and she didn’t know how much longer she had. “I’m so sorry. I should have just listened to you from the beginning. I swear I’m going to fi-” 

She never got to finish her plea before the gentle hand against her cheek gripped at her face. Her body locked up and right before she lost consciousness Adora had the strangest feeling that she was falling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: this memory in particular is one of three chapters that I have had planned out since the very first time I sat down to begin planning out this thing. It probably doesn't answer all of your questions but I hope it does explain a few things. Don't worry I still have more in mind. Adora will be waking up back in the infirmary soon and I'm sure she has plenty to start processing and she can't do that alone
> 
> Just as a reminder: comments keep me alive and help me to thrive. I really want to start interacting more with comments so don't be afraid to share your thoughts!


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